Speech Day

As much as I would have loved to have won an award at speech day when I was still a student at my high school, I never ever won one until I left the school. I was always so disappointed when my name was never called out because deep down I knew I worked so hard and that after all these years of trying, maybe I would be deserving of an award at least? I only ever really got an award in year 12 and it was one of those stupid community award ones which you actually apply for, completely pointless. Nevertheless, I got that but it wasn't something that was reflective of my educational efforts. Fast forward to 2011 and I receive a letter in the mail telling that I have won one award due to my ATAR and all. I was pleasantly surprised but bitter....in the way that it was only externally that I could have validated my dedication and the amount I have tried in school.

Speech day was on Friday and I received my award. After receiving it, I felt nothing. It was really just a piece of paper where the school validated your efforts that you've made over the years. After the ceremony, people ran off to talk to teachers...catching up and everything. I decided to do the same with teachers and all, but unlike other students who had endless things to talk to their teachers about, I had nothing. In fact, in the few conversations I had, I was lost for words and everything I said to one teacher was just met with a few confused looks...as if I was deluded or just a terribly awkward person. And as I gathered, I thought about all the times at school. I tried hard every year, trying my best to achieve something to validate my achievements....a piece of bloody paper with a few signatures scrawled over them. I value how the school has given me an award for my ATAR but in a way, I feel like it has taken this long for actually someone to notice that I have tried so hard all my life.... and in the end it was all for a piece of paper. And to know that no teachers recognise me (except for one very very dear maths teacher whom I'll always love for her patience, kindness and teachings) kinda sucks...as if I was truly a forgettable student. Writing this kinda implies that I think I was deserving of some recognition. Of course, maybe my marks were not truly up to standard to what teachers were looking for. But I truly don't think that topping my maths class, doing really well in science and quite okay in english in year 8 did not warrant any sort of improvement award. 

I was cleaning up my room today and I found the certificate I received on Friday. It was a bit crumpled and creased....something I would be horrified about if I were to receive it during my schooling years. I filed it away and in doing so, I realise that high school is over for me. If not for anything, I'll not step foot into high school anymore. It's taken me ages to realise but you have to bloody move on and not dwell in the past. It's a habit I'm trying to stop and if you read my blog, I think you're probably sick of my nostalgia. But looking back at this chapter, I think I would rather forget it than to remember much. 

I'm gonna marry the night, I'm not gonna cry anymore. I'm gonna marry the night, leave nothing left on these streets to explore.