My body clock has been mucked up ever since I arrived from Hong Kong. It's edging 3am but I can still soldier on because I am so use to living in a different time zone now. Nevertheless, here goes nothing...
At times like these, when it's early in the morning and thoughts are wild, I proceed to just vomit verbally. So I must admit, I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to matters concerning people I am interested. Ugh how cowardly is that, I can't even plainly say 'matters concerning the people I LIKE' fuck why are you so retarded, Katie ? I don't understand. Being a girl, I've never learnt what to say to the other of I ever liked them. I suppose it has stemmed from too much watching shitty romcoms, silencing me forevermore to say anything for fear of feeling embarassed. And whenever I talk to them I over think what to write what to say what to do, rendering a pretty damn loves by me who hides behind a facade of being really tough and as if I couldn't give more of a shit. That's way beside the truth and ...not true at all. I guess having a crush is fun yet kinda kills you. Because you don't know what to do and are given mixed signals. It's just baffling to figure out what the hell is going on. In one frame of mind, you want to believe what you're sensing because you just believe in it. But then on the other hand, your logic tells you not to be so naive concerning such matters and not to over think a thing because it may have been just a fixation that occurred within your mind.
Sometimes I just wish I could perhaps become someone else who just isn't afraid of getting hurt and just confront feelings and seek out answers. But then I can't because I start to think about their lifestyle and all and start to feel intimidated because I realise that maybe we are worlds apart in several aspects....just their experience. Exause of their difference in age.
Lately, I cannot stop thinking about them. (I don't use he because it sounds like he is mine so therefore I use them and so despite widespread belief, I am not a lesbian). But really, I have no idea what the fuck to do. Do I just hope that they will know ? Hope never gets anyone anywhere but I am way too afraid to say a thing. They are a semi j sort of person and at times, kinda serious when it is serious. But I'm afriad if i take some initiative that it will backfire, that I will become the laughing stock of some. Because this infatuation is rather bizarre. And therm I start having doubts whether they feel the same or not. I'm just so confused and lost in the world of emotions.
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