hey i heard you were a wild one.

midsems have finally finished and goodness, that was a terrible week. well actually, lately things have been terrible but i'm coping cause that's life eh?

my music tastes have deviated a bit from the usual form...i've taken quite a liking to the stuff that is often heard on radio in particular flo rida's wild one ft sia. it's splendid and sia's voice is just achingly beautiful. and what else? well, today i realised that the word 'ache' is one of my faves cause it just encapsulates a shitload of emotion into one simple word...'ache'. looking at it makes me want to ache already. saying it makes me want to break as well. 

well, from what happened around 2 weeks ago, i think i'm okay. i'm still living, surviving and being me. i just have to learn to not be so affected by external things but simply just take life as it is. because life is truly unpredictable and nothing will ever go to plan if you plan yourself to death. well, certainly not in my situation. 

i have got to learn to stop being so goddamn naive and immature in thinking optimistically. do you know why i am a realist? simply because being optimistic gives false hope and too much of that will inevitably lead to utter disappointment. it's better to sever false hope before it gets you down so you won't be left so fking dry. i feel dry. yeah. yep yep....... gosh i promised myself that none of this shit will get to me but it is doing so. gahhhhhhhh... T_T

this is another pointless post for ignoring. yep. sorry.

Chilly

Why is it so freaking chilly today?
I woke up with condensation on my phone as I reached out for it.

Anyway, I can't wait till my exams are over.

But I don't know what to do after. Perhaps indulge in the movies I have accumulated. . . Sounds good?
Wish tomorrows test was my last but unfortunately I still have COM. Wish me luck please! :(

“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways? My insides don’t match up with my outsides. Do anyone’s insides and outsides match up? I don’t know. I’m only me. Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and outside. ‘But it’s worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.”

- Jonathan Safran Foer

Today, you were far away.

Instead of studying, I had the brilliant idea of watching Warrior on the train home intending to stop at midway because I had to study for my upcoming exams. Yet I couldn't help but finish the whole movie because it was just so engaging that I found it hard not to watch it all. 

I'm not typically one who is into such fighting films because well, I don't really know much about the UFC or MMA. However, the movie not only showed a lot of fighting scenes but had a beautiful storyline and terribly fine acting that made it so accessible by well, myself even. 

I personally cannot stop listening to 'About Today' by The National now. That was played at the very last scene and captured the raw emotions so beautifully. I would advise you to watch it if you haven't because the movie is so well done and well, it doesn't exploit your emotions like other sympathy movies do, but the way that it led to the gradual build up was very human and very real. Yes, that's right. The refreshing aspect about this movie was just how raw everything was, untouched by the glitz and glamour that I am so used to seeing in movies today and hence, that's why I really enjoyed it. I would watch it again when I have time.

I can't wait until the end of mid-sem exams. I'm actually excited to start reading some books I bought because I am keen to further my knowledge into whatever interests me. There's this really quaint bookstore at the Rocks called 'Ariel Books' and I just love the atmosphere in there. The other day when it was raining like crazy, I popped by to collect a book I had ordered previously. I got off Circular Quay and walked at such a fast pace to the bookstore without an umbrella, just having the rain pelt my slightly heavy duty APC coat and splash my boots in the puddles that I really did not intend to walk into. It was freezing, perhaps I was rather underdressed and I listened to the melodies of The National as I did so encapsulating a mood that was melancholy at best. I power walked past tourists and 9to5 businessmen, as I was in a rush, keen to catch the train home after that arrived 15 minutes after I got off the previous service. To be blatantly honest, it felt rather lonely to be doing what I did and in the rain as well, as if my emotions were being reflected by the incredible outpour from the skies. But there may be a threshold of loneliness, that perhaps the dreary and perennial loneliness felt starts to become comforting...

It is evident that I am starting to listen too much of The National. 

High and Dry

Two jumps in a week I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?

There comes a point when you're just so exhausted emotionally that you realise that you cannot be bothered with the things that once made you elated. Because you lose hope and well, lose faith in people as well and realise that some things were simply in vain. Mm yes, I've been a fool lately. High and Dry is my song choice in such situations. Cause yeah, 'don't leave me high, don't leave me dry'... Indeed. Don't leave me feeling so high above the world and don't just drain me, leaving me dry? Actually, what I truly feel right now is just dryness. Apathy. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to give a fuck.

I think that's the saddest part of anything. When you just don't want to give a fuck. Cause you just give up.

Quequ'un M'a Dit

Carly Rae Jepsen has one thing in common with Carla Bruni...and that is the first three letters of their names. Whenever I feel like listening to Carly's ridiculously catchy Call Me Maybe, I type in Car in my iTunes and every single time, Carla Bruni's Quequ'un M'a Dit sits above her song and reminds me to opt and listen to her beautiful song instead. There's something about that song that despite not even understanding the lyrical content, I still get chills because I think the emotion is there and her voice is just so delicately angelic.

Hrm. . .

nothin =\

I'm a bit of an idiot.

Autumnal Chill

It may sound really odd....but once the weather stepped into its cooler form, it seems like everything is now instantly better. For lack of better words, I fucking love autumn. It is seriously the best season out because everything seems so mellow. The sun shines yet the air is crisp and cool, exactly how I love it. I don't ever want this season to end...can everyday just be like today (as in weather-like)? And you know what is even better? Listening to The National in this splendid weather. I AM IN FUCKING BLISS. 

Anyway, I bought a pair of Vans shoes today and the earphones I ordered online finally came in the mail. I never ever want to take them off. The music quality is so lush, the bass pulsating and everything just sounds better. I love how atmospheric the music is in my ears and I just want to live in the melodies forever. One of my best purchases ever....

And because everyone is doing it, here are just two photos that I took with hipstamatic. Haha, I don't know, I just can't seem to get into instagram. And facebook acquired instagram as well! Odd.

the pursuit of happiness.

how does one start living? i don't know...maybe because I am too afraid to take risks or to try anything new. i'm too accustomed in my own little bubble that doing something unfamiliar makes me feel nervous and afraid. like say for example, going on a holiday trip with friends...there are those moments where i feel uncomfortable and long to go home. i really have to shake these habits and learn to embrace every moment and perhaps, be braver. Yes...that's what I'm lacking, bravery. i am brave when seeking adventurous thrills...like climbing things etc that kinda physical adrenaline stuff...but when it refers to conquering my mind, i am not brave enough. you know what...it feels like i have unlocked what i am lacking just through this stream of consciousness. the brain knows better than you. 

life isn't worth thinking what could have been or lingering in thoughts that you know you cannot control...that's where the stress stems from inducing strain on the body. i think it's time for me to reclaim my body back from my thoughts and nurture it with self respect and self love, because that's the only good thing i can think of what to do. 

this easter weekend off has been boring to say the least and terribly slow. i haven't been doing much at all.  but i have been making plans regarding my future...though they say you shouldn't really plan out too much cause what do you know, 'the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray'... but in the event that i don't ever get into medicine, i shall complete physiotherapy and seek a life off in the uk if there is nothing grounding me here. and to think about it i don't really think there will be...it sounds rather selfish. haha... my mother is really against this ... she doesn't really know what entrances me about the uk. i don't know myself but for some odd reason, it all felt familiar when i was there and simultaneously, i felt i was alive and living. ideally, i really want to go now. take me away uk.

Hi Midsems.

I have revamped my blog...well just a bit because I was getting really sick of the old colour scheme. So now it's just black and white whilst the highlighting of the text isn't girly anymore but instead of a really lovely lavender-ish colour.

Mid-sem break came early this year though I suppose it's now because the uni wants it to coincide with the Easter holiday. Since I get on and off at Lidcombe everyday, I see a lot of those promos and signs for the Easter show and when it opened yesterday, there were flocks of people that caught the train to the shows. Naturally, I got rather jealous because I really want to go this year for some unknown reason. Perhaps its because I just want to retreat elsewhere and well, do something spontaneous. But all in all, I think lately I've been okay. It helps to have great friends to talk to.

Overthinking is a terrible thing to do but I guess you have to learn how to stop thinking and just let whatever flows and happens, happen. That way you don't drain yourself emotionally. I'm not necessarily talking about negative experiences either but those positive ones that fuel your happiness, elating you into euphoria. So as of late, I'm working on block out excessive thoughts in my mind. I'll see how that eventuates.

Lights Out, Words Gone

Why did I only listen to this song now? Dammit. That's what I am most afraid of, missing out on good music if I don't keep listening. I swear these days I'm just always listening to music, no matter what. Easter break is approaching so soon. Bizarre. When did it even become Easter so soon? I only remember Christmas. I don't know what I will do during the break, perhaps just study my ass off since assessments follow the break and then it'd be the mentored clinical placement. Hooray! Ugh...lately my life just feels so tiring and somewhat boring. I want to do stuffs but I just don't seem to have the energy nor the time. Makes me miss the holidays I guess.

I started running yesterday. It was good to start getting back in shape and I noticed that I felt way more energetic to do work and stuff. Must have been the endorphins that were released so that pumped me up. But dang it, work was so tiring today. I am going to bail. BAIL.