I've been reading some of my older posts on this blog and who knew I had such intuition as to how life would pan out...or is it just mere insight to the fact that when circumstances change, so do people? Third year uni...how did this even happen? Time flies by so quickly, that it's sometimes even harder to comprehend what happened within all those voids. Were these years lived or dreamed? (ah gwen harwood how you voice my anxieties)
Looking back into the past and re-evaluating my actions is something I do almost all the time. Perhaps that's the sentimental side seeping through to young adulthood. Everyone that was in my life three years ago (HSC year) are not necessarily there in my immediate life anymore. Nor were some of the people that were heavily involved with my life last year. Does that mean that everything is temporal? That life is in constant change, that every moment will yield different things. I don't want to believe it, for the present that I am living in is the present that I so value to the point that I want to make it my future and for more.
For most of 2012, I didn't understand why things had to happen a particular way. But now I understand, it was to simply shape the 2013 I know today. And I hope that most of the things and people I value here in 2013 will still be involved in the years to come because I've never felt any more bliss in my life than I currently do. Yeah, I may put on a front to seemingly hate everything I come across...sometimes I don't even know why I do that. Is that to detract everything away from me? maybe it's because i'm so afraid of losing what i love that i refuse to proclaim my affections and my love anymore. yeah, perhaps that's it.
thanks blogger, you helped me figure out why i am the way i am.
24.5.13
dancing on my own.
I wish I had heard this song earlier but I only recently found this song after watching a Girls compilation video. I think this song reflects how I feel about everything at the moment. 'I'll keep dancing on my own...'
Everything in life is unpredictable as ever, but I'll keep dancing on my own... I think there's nothing better than enjoying life yourself, feeling appreciative of whatever it has manifested itself as because you know deep down there's nothing else you could have done different. I bet there must be a reason as to why I have ended up in this position.
It'll make sense in the future.
But for the time being, I'm alone.
30.3.13
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
I think it will always be a dream of mine to wake up in a bed in Manhattan, be it an apartment or a hotel room...anything really, overlooking the city and feeling the sun's warmth shine on my face and feeling truly, truly alive. That's always the mental image that conjures in my mind whenever I listen to death cab's marching bands of manhattan. . .
26.3.13
When I’m Lonely
MAR. 25, 2013 By RYAN O'CONNELL
When I’m lonely, I’m rarely alone. Those many sleepless nights I’ve had in New York when you’re almost positive that the entire city that never sleeps took an Ambien except for you? I happen to like those quiet moments. I don’t feel detached. On the contrary, I feel more in tune to to the rhythm of things when there’s nothing but silence.
I feel most alone at 2pm on a Saturday when you’re surrounded by nothing but couples or groups of friends and you don’t fit into either category. You’re just kind of floating by languidly while everyone else seems to be busy connecting with other people.
I feel most alone on a bad date, when you’re sitting across from someone who clearly doesn’t get you and never will. You wonder how someone that looked so good on paper could get lost in translation. You wonder just how hard it is to find someone who looks at things the same way you do. Are you really such a rarity? Is the way you look at life really so odd? That’s loneliness to me: feeling like you’re not being heard or recognized and sitting across from a person who was supposed to be part of your tribe but isn’t. Not even close.
A few months ago, I went to brunch at a friend’s house and I didn’t really know anyone there. When I entered the apartment, it was like a scene out of The Big Chill. There were ten or fifteen people cooking food together dancing in the kitchen and, like, listening to Motown. Everyone seemed close, like a big giant family, and I immediately felt lonely because even though I have a great group of friends, they’re all sort of scattered. And I don’t think many of them would cook pancakes and sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with me. It’s always so strange and alienating when you get a peek into someone else’s world and see how they do things differently than you, isn’t it?
Basically I feel the most lonely when I’m supposed to be feeling a connection but can’t or won’t or don’t. You bank on feeling one way and you end up feeling another. That’s the worst. That’s far more isolating than eating brunch alone or going to the movies alone or being awake at 5am. Because those are choices. You are doing a solitary activity. You expect it. You don’t expect, however, to feel completely alone at a bar or a party. You left your apartment to socialize and you ended up feeling more disconnected than when you started. That was not supposed to happen! That’s why, for me, life has the ability to wound me more when I’m outside and doing social activities than it does when I’m alone in my bedroom. Nothing can hurt me when I’m alone, besides myself. It’s the other people that I worry about, it’s the other people that can really make me feel truly lonely.
MAR. 25, 2013 By RYAN O'CONNELL
When I’m lonely, I’m rarely alone. Those many sleepless nights I’ve had in New York when you’re almost positive that the entire city that never sleeps took an Ambien except for you? I happen to like those quiet moments. I don’t feel detached. On the contrary, I feel more in tune to to the rhythm of things when there’s nothing but silence.
I feel most alone at 2pm on a Saturday when you’re surrounded by nothing but couples or groups of friends and you don’t fit into either category. You’re just kind of floating by languidly while everyone else seems to be busy connecting with other people.
I feel most alone on a bad date, when you’re sitting across from someone who clearly doesn’t get you and never will. You wonder how someone that looked so good on paper could get lost in translation. You wonder just how hard it is to find someone who looks at things the same way you do. Are you really such a rarity? Is the way you look at life really so odd? That’s loneliness to me: feeling like you’re not being heard or recognized and sitting across from a person who was supposed to be part of your tribe but isn’t. Not even close.
A few months ago, I went to brunch at a friend’s house and I didn’t really know anyone there. When I entered the apartment, it was like a scene out of The Big Chill. There were ten or fifteen people cooking food together dancing in the kitchen and, like, listening to Motown. Everyone seemed close, like a big giant family, and I immediately felt lonely because even though I have a great group of friends, they’re all sort of scattered. And I don’t think many of them would cook pancakes and sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with me. It’s always so strange and alienating when you get a peek into someone else’s world and see how they do things differently than you, isn’t it?
Basically I feel the most lonely when I’m supposed to be feeling a connection but can’t or won’t or don’t. You bank on feeling one way and you end up feeling another. That’s the worst. That’s far more isolating than eating brunch alone or going to the movies alone or being awake at 5am. Because those are choices. You are doing a solitary activity. You expect it. You don’t expect, however, to feel completely alone at a bar or a party. You left your apartment to socialize and you ended up feeling more disconnected than when you started. That was not supposed to happen! That’s why, for me, life has the ability to wound me more when I’m outside and doing social activities than it does when I’m alone in my bedroom. Nothing can hurt me when I’m alone, besides myself. It’s the other people that I worry about, it’s the other people that can really make me feel truly lonely.
7.3.13
Routine.
when routine bites hard and ambitions are low
back to uni week 1. it's been rather tiring to say the very least...waking up early is something to get used to again and to keep concentration is what i need to achieve. there's a lot to be learned in such a short period of time and there's that inevitable sense of feeling absolutely flustered because nothing is going into my head. ah well. i need to revise obviously.
this is one of those moments when i feel like writing but nothing is coming out properly.
in fact i feel like i've lost the flair for writing.
i'll see ellie goulding for the 2nd time tomorrow. im excited.
back to uni week 1. it's been rather tiring to say the very least...waking up early is something to get used to again and to keep concentration is what i need to achieve. there's a lot to be learned in such a short period of time and there's that inevitable sense of feeling absolutely flustered because nothing is going into my head. ah well. i need to revise obviously.
this is one of those moments when i feel like writing but nothing is coming out properly.
in fact i feel like i've lost the flair for writing.
i'll see ellie goulding for the 2nd time tomorrow. im excited.
5.2.13
We make plans for big times
...get bogged down, destructed.
we make plans for good times, all neon all surface
this was spose to be published a week ago, i just didn't finish writing.
There comes a point in life where you realise exactly why some things are cliches, only because they ring the truth and it has been tried and tested with many different people. Time. Time the great healer of everything nasty and hurtful.
It's amazing how potent the healing abilities of time is. I still recall a time in November 2012 where all I thought of was one thing and I simply didn't live life, I just existed through it. For some obvious reasons, it was very evident as to where my sadness was coming from but at that time, it didn't feel justified since most of it was one sided. So in the end, you just need to stand up tall and strong, for there really is no one else but yourself who will lead the road towards rehabilitation. And here I am, living at the end of January 2013. I got through it, not over it and now that past is behind me. Sometimes I do think of the past and how the fantasy world I constructed felt much more satisfying than reality and true, a wave of nostalgia hits me hard in the face. But you learn to accept that these momentary thoughts will pass, that it's only a minute second that your heart dies for a bit...but inevitably restarts to continue this journey of life.
Things have changed for everyone that was in my circle for most of 2012. Circumstances arise, obligations take over and fate drives people apart. Change is inevitable but you learn to accept it because in the most twisted of ways, life has a penchant for throwing blessings in such disgusting disguises that you never saw what was there to begin with. 2013 has been good for me thus far, albeit quite slow but perhaps a smooth sailing is preferable over a dramatic rise and fall. But how do we know how high we can get if we never fall down? Ah. I've fallen so many times last year that everything this year seems to be somewhat more favourable and optimistic.
My holiday in Hong Kong was rejuvenating. It seems as though every trip overseas teaches me something about myself and gives me lessons to be learned. How on earth for the vast majority of 2012 did I forget my roots? Maybe that happened because of the people I was around...or you could say it was because of the person I was around. They say you are the melting pot of everyone you have ever met and with him, it wasn't any different. I adopted traits off him, mannerisms were exchanged and I learnt many useless new things that have simply helped shaped the person I am today. Nevertheless, he was one who was adamant to ditch the asian side of him, preferring to concentrate on the Australian culture that is largely dominated by white culture. I suppose it was a learning experience but in the end, I became more and more like him.
Going to Hong Kong this year made me realise how naive it was to ditch everything about my own cultural background. Despite practicing the language and customs at home, there was a certain part of me that was reluctant to adhere to being strictly Chinese or whatever. I guess that's the odd thing, having two cultures inherrently embedded into your being, your personality and quite frankly, the way you operate. Home is where the heart is. Your roots are where you belong and knowing your heritage, comes an illuminated understanding of the present and why the way things are the way they are.
we make plans for good times, all neon all surface
this was spose to be published a week ago, i just didn't finish writing.
There comes a point in life where you realise exactly why some things are cliches, only because they ring the truth and it has been tried and tested with many different people. Time. Time the great healer of everything nasty and hurtful.
It's amazing how potent the healing abilities of time is. I still recall a time in November 2012 where all I thought of was one thing and I simply didn't live life, I just existed through it. For some obvious reasons, it was very evident as to where my sadness was coming from but at that time, it didn't feel justified since most of it was one sided. So in the end, you just need to stand up tall and strong, for there really is no one else but yourself who will lead the road towards rehabilitation. And here I am, living at the end of January 2013. I got through it, not over it and now that past is behind me. Sometimes I do think of the past and how the fantasy world I constructed felt much more satisfying than reality and true, a wave of nostalgia hits me hard in the face. But you learn to accept that these momentary thoughts will pass, that it's only a minute second that your heart dies for a bit...but inevitably restarts to continue this journey of life.
Things have changed for everyone that was in my circle for most of 2012. Circumstances arise, obligations take over and fate drives people apart. Change is inevitable but you learn to accept it because in the most twisted of ways, life has a penchant for throwing blessings in such disgusting disguises that you never saw what was there to begin with. 2013 has been good for me thus far, albeit quite slow but perhaps a smooth sailing is preferable over a dramatic rise and fall. But how do we know how high we can get if we never fall down? Ah. I've fallen so many times last year that everything this year seems to be somewhat more favourable and optimistic.
My holiday in Hong Kong was rejuvenating. It seems as though every trip overseas teaches me something about myself and gives me lessons to be learned. How on earth for the vast majority of 2012 did I forget my roots? Maybe that happened because of the people I was around...or you could say it was because of the person I was around. They say you are the melting pot of everyone you have ever met and with him, it wasn't any different. I adopted traits off him, mannerisms were exchanged and I learnt many useless new things that have simply helped shaped the person I am today. Nevertheless, he was one who was adamant to ditch the asian side of him, preferring to concentrate on the Australian culture that is largely dominated by white culture. I suppose it was a learning experience but in the end, I became more and more like him.
Going to Hong Kong this year made me realise how naive it was to ditch everything about my own cultural background. Despite practicing the language and customs at home, there was a certain part of me that was reluctant to adhere to being strictly Chinese or whatever. I guess that's the odd thing, having two cultures inherrently embedded into your being, your personality and quite frankly, the way you operate. Home is where the heart is. Your roots are where you belong and knowing your heritage, comes an illuminated understanding of the present and why the way things are the way they are.
29.12.12
(hanging) by a moment.
These days I'm becoming more and more nostalgic.
The new year is coming. I'm looking back at what has happened. There are times when life plays out in your head like an episode after one another. Perhaps it would be better that way, at least there would be a more cement way of reliving moments for memory is poor and pieces of the past chip away as time progresses. Soon the memory will only be recalled in some fantastical way, with some moments added in, the important bits remaining and the petty bits completely dreamed up.
Life last year on this exact day was different. It was only beginning for me. I still remember .. that exact look on your face. What you said. Everything.
2013. I'm scared it will become a year where I'll spend everyday looking at the calendar and trying to recall what happened on that exact day in 2012. The days of 2012 were spent looking forward to what else life could throw at me. The nostalgia and the sentimentality of 2012 will really leave me in ruins, there has to be some way where I can just live in the present. The music that I listened to throughout 2012 should be replaced, for they only spark up certain feelings at certain times. Carla Bruni.. oh how you make my heart burn and long for that exact moment when I felt like life finally happened. Katy Perry, for unleashing a stronger me. Ellie Goulding, for everything.
Dreams were made and lost. Reality hit home harder than expected.
This was a year of...
Light All My Lights - Seeker Lover Keeper
This song will be the song I will remember 2012 by.
The first time I heard this song was before the worst, before anything happened, before everything changed. It was the last calm before the storm...
We were sitting in the car, driving home from Bondi Junction after a long day of hanging out... The day was gruelling hot, stinking even, for I never anticipated the heat but instead brought my checkered cardigan along. It poured as we left Bondi, much to our surprise but to relief as the warm August day reverted to the norm as to being chilly instead.
It was truly the day before absolute change.
This was the day before life progressed to the next level for you, preparing you for full time work, before she broke off a relationship that was strong for her and well, for our other friend, before the phase where she would realise that there were other people in the world. As for me, I was content in my world, enjoying the company of everyone, thinking that this...was the life. Little did I know that that day marked the end for a new beginning in all our lives. I would go off to admitting feelings, she would go off to meet her current boyfriend and ultimately be exiled from the group's lives, our other friend would settle for a period of downtime with her boyfriend and you, well... in some way, you didn't change then...But from my eyes I thought life took hold of you because you suddenly became so busy and you found some other new friends along the way out to creating the current you.
As 'Light All My Lights' played, the car's windscreen wipers were on the maximal speed and I sat in the backseat, thinking about how I would remember that exact moment every time I hear this song...and I wasn't wrong. I looked out the window and saw the magnificent city we lived in and all the rain that drenched it and thought to myself that it couldn't get any better. Inside that car were four souls, our lives were all interconnected at that moment. We were four great friends, all seemingly content though perhaps, we were all hiding a part of ourselves that would soon be revealed.
And now in the present I still maintain connections to all of you. ....Can it be the way it was?
Time changes everything. People make decisions and then hurt one another. Lack of foresight complicate things. Trust is easily traded away for acceptance as part of the norm, part of the popular opinion.
Times like these will never happen again, much to my dismay. For most have all moved on, except for one...and I suppose that's me. Fabulous memories like these ignite a flame inside and looking back, it is truly bittersweet to recall everything. And all this time I was wondering why you were the way you were.
I understand now.
I understand now.
25.12.12
yo-lo
After several attempts to actually start writing a blog post then having it being abandoned due to sheer laziness or perhaps a lack of things to say, here I am being ever so adamant to write about life itself. I haven't blogged all month, ever since that time when I was so heartbroken and all. I think it is safe to say that I no longer feel broken or anything in fact, life is just passing by and I am fine.
December always feels like a fun month, no matter what year it is. It's the time when everyone is preparing to go on extended holidays and well, feels like everything is ending. 2012 has been such an odd year, one that I'll remember as having to grow up in many ways. I learnt a lot, made many new friends...and if I look back at this time last year, things have certainly changed and I wouldn't be able to have envisioned my current life as it is. But you know, that's life. You make a small decision at some point and down the track, that small decision would be so ever pivotal and influential to your life... I'm not sure if I can remember much of 2011 these days given the intensity of the situations experienced this year. It has been full on and absolutely crazy but maybe that's how I like it.
There will be times when you find something absolutely amazing but maybe the timing just isn't right. But you can't help but notice how fate keeps twisting itself. Perhaps you shouldn't look too much into it, because wanting to control how life unfolds will only result in a disappointment of how life isn't happening as it should do so.
2012 - YOLO.
December always feels like a fun month, no matter what year it is. It's the time when everyone is preparing to go on extended holidays and well, feels like everything is ending. 2012 has been such an odd year, one that I'll remember as having to grow up in many ways. I learnt a lot, made many new friends...and if I look back at this time last year, things have certainly changed and I wouldn't be able to have envisioned my current life as it is. But you know, that's life. You make a small decision at some point and down the track, that small decision would be so ever pivotal and influential to your life... I'm not sure if I can remember much of 2011 these days given the intensity of the situations experienced this year. It has been full on and absolutely crazy but maybe that's how I like it.
There will be times when you find something absolutely amazing but maybe the timing just isn't right. But you can't help but notice how fate keeps twisting itself. Perhaps you shouldn't look too much into it, because wanting to control how life unfolds will only result in a disappointment of how life isn't happening as it should do so.
2012 - YOLO.
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