I've been reading some of my older posts on this blog and who knew I had such intuition as to how life would pan out...or is it just mere insight to the fact that when circumstances change, so do people? Third year uni...how did this even happen? Time flies by so quickly, that it's sometimes even harder to comprehend what happened within all those voids. Were these years lived or dreamed? (ah gwen harwood how you voice my anxieties)
Looking back into the past and re-evaluating my actions is something I do almost all the time. Perhaps that's the sentimental side seeping through to young adulthood. Everyone that was in my life three years ago (HSC year) are not necessarily there in my immediate life anymore. Nor were some of the people that were heavily involved with my life last year. Does that mean that everything is temporal? That life is in constant change, that every moment will yield different things. I don't want to believe it, for the present that I am living in is the present that I so value to the point that I want to make it my future and for more.
For most of 2012, I didn't understand why things had to happen a particular way. But now I understand, it was to simply shape the 2013 I know today. And I hope that most of the things and people I value here in 2013 will still be involved in the years to come because I've never felt any more bliss in my life than I currently do. Yeah, I may put on a front to seemingly hate everything I come across...sometimes I don't even know why I do that. Is that to detract everything away from me? maybe it's because i'm so afraid of losing what i love that i refuse to proclaim my affections and my love anymore. yeah, perhaps that's it.
thanks blogger, you helped me figure out why i am the way i am.
24.5.13
dancing on my own.
I wish I had heard this song earlier but I only recently found this song after watching a Girls compilation video. I think this song reflects how I feel about everything at the moment. 'I'll keep dancing on my own...'
Everything in life is unpredictable as ever, but I'll keep dancing on my own... I think there's nothing better than enjoying life yourself, feeling appreciative of whatever it has manifested itself as because you know deep down there's nothing else you could have done different. I bet there must be a reason as to why I have ended up in this position.
It'll make sense in the future.
But for the time being, I'm alone.
30.3.13
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
I think it will always be a dream of mine to wake up in a bed in Manhattan, be it an apartment or a hotel room...anything really, overlooking the city and feeling the sun's warmth shine on my face and feeling truly, truly alive. That's always the mental image that conjures in my mind whenever I listen to death cab's marching bands of manhattan. . .
26.3.13
When I’m Lonely
MAR. 25, 2013 By RYAN O'CONNELL
When I’m lonely, I’m rarely alone. Those many sleepless nights I’ve had in New York when you’re almost positive that the entire city that never sleeps took an Ambien except for you? I happen to like those quiet moments. I don’t feel detached. On the contrary, I feel more in tune to to the rhythm of things when there’s nothing but silence.
I feel most alone at 2pm on a Saturday when you’re surrounded by nothing but couples or groups of friends and you don’t fit into either category. You’re just kind of floating by languidly while everyone else seems to be busy connecting with other people.
I feel most alone on a bad date, when you’re sitting across from someone who clearly doesn’t get you and never will. You wonder how someone that looked so good on paper could get lost in translation. You wonder just how hard it is to find someone who looks at things the same way you do. Are you really such a rarity? Is the way you look at life really so odd? That’s loneliness to me: feeling like you’re not being heard or recognized and sitting across from a person who was supposed to be part of your tribe but isn’t. Not even close.
A few months ago, I went to brunch at a friend’s house and I didn’t really know anyone there. When I entered the apartment, it was like a scene out of The Big Chill. There were ten or fifteen people cooking food together dancing in the kitchen and, like, listening to Motown. Everyone seemed close, like a big giant family, and I immediately felt lonely because even though I have a great group of friends, they’re all sort of scattered. And I don’t think many of them would cook pancakes and sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with me. It’s always so strange and alienating when you get a peek into someone else’s world and see how they do things differently than you, isn’t it?
Basically I feel the most lonely when I’m supposed to be feeling a connection but can’t or won’t or don’t. You bank on feeling one way and you end up feeling another. That’s the worst. That’s far more isolating than eating brunch alone or going to the movies alone or being awake at 5am. Because those are choices. You are doing a solitary activity. You expect it. You don’t expect, however, to feel completely alone at a bar or a party. You left your apartment to socialize and you ended up feeling more disconnected than when you started. That was not supposed to happen! That’s why, for me, life has the ability to wound me more when I’m outside and doing social activities than it does when I’m alone in my bedroom. Nothing can hurt me when I’m alone, besides myself. It’s the other people that I worry about, it’s the other people that can really make me feel truly lonely.
MAR. 25, 2013 By RYAN O'CONNELL
When I’m lonely, I’m rarely alone. Those many sleepless nights I’ve had in New York when you’re almost positive that the entire city that never sleeps took an Ambien except for you? I happen to like those quiet moments. I don’t feel detached. On the contrary, I feel more in tune to to the rhythm of things when there’s nothing but silence.
I feel most alone at 2pm on a Saturday when you’re surrounded by nothing but couples or groups of friends and you don’t fit into either category. You’re just kind of floating by languidly while everyone else seems to be busy connecting with other people.
I feel most alone on a bad date, when you’re sitting across from someone who clearly doesn’t get you and never will. You wonder how someone that looked so good on paper could get lost in translation. You wonder just how hard it is to find someone who looks at things the same way you do. Are you really such a rarity? Is the way you look at life really so odd? That’s loneliness to me: feeling like you’re not being heard or recognized and sitting across from a person who was supposed to be part of your tribe but isn’t. Not even close.
A few months ago, I went to brunch at a friend’s house and I didn’t really know anyone there. When I entered the apartment, it was like a scene out of The Big Chill. There were ten or fifteen people cooking food together dancing in the kitchen and, like, listening to Motown. Everyone seemed close, like a big giant family, and I immediately felt lonely because even though I have a great group of friends, they’re all sort of scattered. And I don’t think many of them would cook pancakes and sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with me. It’s always so strange and alienating when you get a peek into someone else’s world and see how they do things differently than you, isn’t it?
Basically I feel the most lonely when I’m supposed to be feeling a connection but can’t or won’t or don’t. You bank on feeling one way and you end up feeling another. That’s the worst. That’s far more isolating than eating brunch alone or going to the movies alone or being awake at 5am. Because those are choices. You are doing a solitary activity. You expect it. You don’t expect, however, to feel completely alone at a bar or a party. You left your apartment to socialize and you ended up feeling more disconnected than when you started. That was not supposed to happen! That’s why, for me, life has the ability to wound me more when I’m outside and doing social activities than it does when I’m alone in my bedroom. Nothing can hurt me when I’m alone, besides myself. It’s the other people that I worry about, it’s the other people that can really make me feel truly lonely.
7.3.13
Routine.
when routine bites hard and ambitions are low
back to uni week 1. it's been rather tiring to say the very least...waking up early is something to get used to again and to keep concentration is what i need to achieve. there's a lot to be learned in such a short period of time and there's that inevitable sense of feeling absolutely flustered because nothing is going into my head. ah well. i need to revise obviously.
this is one of those moments when i feel like writing but nothing is coming out properly.
in fact i feel like i've lost the flair for writing.
i'll see ellie goulding for the 2nd time tomorrow. im excited.
back to uni week 1. it's been rather tiring to say the very least...waking up early is something to get used to again and to keep concentration is what i need to achieve. there's a lot to be learned in such a short period of time and there's that inevitable sense of feeling absolutely flustered because nothing is going into my head. ah well. i need to revise obviously.
this is one of those moments when i feel like writing but nothing is coming out properly.
in fact i feel like i've lost the flair for writing.
i'll see ellie goulding for the 2nd time tomorrow. im excited.
5.2.13
We make plans for big times
...get bogged down, destructed.
we make plans for good times, all neon all surface
this was spose to be published a week ago, i just didn't finish writing.
There comes a point in life where you realise exactly why some things are cliches, only because they ring the truth and it has been tried and tested with many different people. Time. Time the great healer of everything nasty and hurtful.
It's amazing how potent the healing abilities of time is. I still recall a time in November 2012 where all I thought of was one thing and I simply didn't live life, I just existed through it. For some obvious reasons, it was very evident as to where my sadness was coming from but at that time, it didn't feel justified since most of it was one sided. So in the end, you just need to stand up tall and strong, for there really is no one else but yourself who will lead the road towards rehabilitation. And here I am, living at the end of January 2013. I got through it, not over it and now that past is behind me. Sometimes I do think of the past and how the fantasy world I constructed felt much more satisfying than reality and true, a wave of nostalgia hits me hard in the face. But you learn to accept that these momentary thoughts will pass, that it's only a minute second that your heart dies for a bit...but inevitably restarts to continue this journey of life.
Things have changed for everyone that was in my circle for most of 2012. Circumstances arise, obligations take over and fate drives people apart. Change is inevitable but you learn to accept it because in the most twisted of ways, life has a penchant for throwing blessings in such disgusting disguises that you never saw what was there to begin with. 2013 has been good for me thus far, albeit quite slow but perhaps a smooth sailing is preferable over a dramatic rise and fall. But how do we know how high we can get if we never fall down? Ah. I've fallen so many times last year that everything this year seems to be somewhat more favourable and optimistic.
My holiday in Hong Kong was rejuvenating. It seems as though every trip overseas teaches me something about myself and gives me lessons to be learned. How on earth for the vast majority of 2012 did I forget my roots? Maybe that happened because of the people I was around...or you could say it was because of the person I was around. They say you are the melting pot of everyone you have ever met and with him, it wasn't any different. I adopted traits off him, mannerisms were exchanged and I learnt many useless new things that have simply helped shaped the person I am today. Nevertheless, he was one who was adamant to ditch the asian side of him, preferring to concentrate on the Australian culture that is largely dominated by white culture. I suppose it was a learning experience but in the end, I became more and more like him.
Going to Hong Kong this year made me realise how naive it was to ditch everything about my own cultural background. Despite practicing the language and customs at home, there was a certain part of me that was reluctant to adhere to being strictly Chinese or whatever. I guess that's the odd thing, having two cultures inherrently embedded into your being, your personality and quite frankly, the way you operate. Home is where the heart is. Your roots are where you belong and knowing your heritage, comes an illuminated understanding of the present and why the way things are the way they are.
we make plans for good times, all neon all surface
this was spose to be published a week ago, i just didn't finish writing.
There comes a point in life where you realise exactly why some things are cliches, only because they ring the truth and it has been tried and tested with many different people. Time. Time the great healer of everything nasty and hurtful.
It's amazing how potent the healing abilities of time is. I still recall a time in November 2012 where all I thought of was one thing and I simply didn't live life, I just existed through it. For some obvious reasons, it was very evident as to where my sadness was coming from but at that time, it didn't feel justified since most of it was one sided. So in the end, you just need to stand up tall and strong, for there really is no one else but yourself who will lead the road towards rehabilitation. And here I am, living at the end of January 2013. I got through it, not over it and now that past is behind me. Sometimes I do think of the past and how the fantasy world I constructed felt much more satisfying than reality and true, a wave of nostalgia hits me hard in the face. But you learn to accept that these momentary thoughts will pass, that it's only a minute second that your heart dies for a bit...but inevitably restarts to continue this journey of life.
Things have changed for everyone that was in my circle for most of 2012. Circumstances arise, obligations take over and fate drives people apart. Change is inevitable but you learn to accept it because in the most twisted of ways, life has a penchant for throwing blessings in such disgusting disguises that you never saw what was there to begin with. 2013 has been good for me thus far, albeit quite slow but perhaps a smooth sailing is preferable over a dramatic rise and fall. But how do we know how high we can get if we never fall down? Ah. I've fallen so many times last year that everything this year seems to be somewhat more favourable and optimistic.
My holiday in Hong Kong was rejuvenating. It seems as though every trip overseas teaches me something about myself and gives me lessons to be learned. How on earth for the vast majority of 2012 did I forget my roots? Maybe that happened because of the people I was around...or you could say it was because of the person I was around. They say you are the melting pot of everyone you have ever met and with him, it wasn't any different. I adopted traits off him, mannerisms were exchanged and I learnt many useless new things that have simply helped shaped the person I am today. Nevertheless, he was one who was adamant to ditch the asian side of him, preferring to concentrate on the Australian culture that is largely dominated by white culture. I suppose it was a learning experience but in the end, I became more and more like him.
Going to Hong Kong this year made me realise how naive it was to ditch everything about my own cultural background. Despite practicing the language and customs at home, there was a certain part of me that was reluctant to adhere to being strictly Chinese or whatever. I guess that's the odd thing, having two cultures inherrently embedded into your being, your personality and quite frankly, the way you operate. Home is where the heart is. Your roots are where you belong and knowing your heritage, comes an illuminated understanding of the present and why the way things are the way they are.
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