I've been reading some of my older posts on this blog and who knew I had such intuition as to how life would pan out...or is it just mere insight to the fact that when circumstances change, so do people? Third year uni...how did this even happen? Time flies by so quickly, that it's sometimes even harder to comprehend what happened within all those voids. Were these years lived or dreamed? (ah gwen harwood how you voice my anxieties)
Looking back into the past and re-evaluating my actions is something I do almost all the time. Perhaps that's the sentimental side seeping through to young adulthood. Everyone that was in my life three years ago (HSC year) are not necessarily there in my immediate life anymore. Nor were some of the people that were heavily involved with my life last year. Does that mean that everything is temporal? That life is in constant change, that every moment will yield different things. I don't want to believe it, for the present that I am living in is the present that I so value to the point that I want to make it my future and for more.
For most of 2012, I didn't understand why things had to happen a particular way. But now I understand, it was to simply shape the 2013 I know today. And I hope that most of the things and people I value here in 2013 will still be involved in the years to come because I've never felt any more bliss in my life than I currently do. Yeah, I may put on a front to seemingly hate everything I come across...sometimes I don't even know why I do that. Is that to detract everything away from me? maybe it's because i'm so afraid of losing what i love that i refuse to proclaim my affections and my love anymore. yeah, perhaps that's it.
thanks blogger, you helped me figure out why i am the way i am.
24.5.13
dancing on my own.
I wish I had heard this song earlier but I only recently found this song after watching a Girls compilation video. I think this song reflects how I feel about everything at the moment. 'I'll keep dancing on my own...'
Everything in life is unpredictable as ever, but I'll keep dancing on my own... I think there's nothing better than enjoying life yourself, feeling appreciative of whatever it has manifested itself as because you know deep down there's nothing else you could have done different. I bet there must be a reason as to why I have ended up in this position.
It'll make sense in the future.
But for the time being, I'm alone.
30.3.13
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
I think it will always be a dream of mine to wake up in a bed in Manhattan, be it an apartment or a hotel room...anything really, overlooking the city and feeling the sun's warmth shine on my face and feeling truly, truly alive. That's always the mental image that conjures in my mind whenever I listen to death cab's marching bands of manhattan. . .
26.3.13
When I’m Lonely
MAR. 25, 2013 By RYAN O'CONNELL
When I’m lonely, I’m rarely alone. Those many sleepless nights I’ve had in New York when you’re almost positive that the entire city that never sleeps took an Ambien except for you? I happen to like those quiet moments. I don’t feel detached. On the contrary, I feel more in tune to to the rhythm of things when there’s nothing but silence.
I feel most alone at 2pm on a Saturday when you’re surrounded by nothing but couples or groups of friends and you don’t fit into either category. You’re just kind of floating by languidly while everyone else seems to be busy connecting with other people.
I feel most alone on a bad date, when you’re sitting across from someone who clearly doesn’t get you and never will. You wonder how someone that looked so good on paper could get lost in translation. You wonder just how hard it is to find someone who looks at things the same way you do. Are you really such a rarity? Is the way you look at life really so odd? That’s loneliness to me: feeling like you’re not being heard or recognized and sitting across from a person who was supposed to be part of your tribe but isn’t. Not even close.
A few months ago, I went to brunch at a friend’s house and I didn’t really know anyone there. When I entered the apartment, it was like a scene out of The Big Chill. There were ten or fifteen people cooking food together dancing in the kitchen and, like, listening to Motown. Everyone seemed close, like a big giant family, and I immediately felt lonely because even though I have a great group of friends, they’re all sort of scattered. And I don’t think many of them would cook pancakes and sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with me. It’s always so strange and alienating when you get a peek into someone else’s world and see how they do things differently than you, isn’t it?
Basically I feel the most lonely when I’m supposed to be feeling a connection but can’t or won’t or don’t. You bank on feeling one way and you end up feeling another. That’s the worst. That’s far more isolating than eating brunch alone or going to the movies alone or being awake at 5am. Because those are choices. You are doing a solitary activity. You expect it. You don’t expect, however, to feel completely alone at a bar or a party. You left your apartment to socialize and you ended up feeling more disconnected than when you started. That was not supposed to happen! That’s why, for me, life has the ability to wound me more when I’m outside and doing social activities than it does when I’m alone in my bedroom. Nothing can hurt me when I’m alone, besides myself. It’s the other people that I worry about, it’s the other people that can really make me feel truly lonely.
MAR. 25, 2013 By RYAN O'CONNELL
When I’m lonely, I’m rarely alone. Those many sleepless nights I’ve had in New York when you’re almost positive that the entire city that never sleeps took an Ambien except for you? I happen to like those quiet moments. I don’t feel detached. On the contrary, I feel more in tune to to the rhythm of things when there’s nothing but silence.
I feel most alone at 2pm on a Saturday when you’re surrounded by nothing but couples or groups of friends and you don’t fit into either category. You’re just kind of floating by languidly while everyone else seems to be busy connecting with other people.
I feel most alone on a bad date, when you’re sitting across from someone who clearly doesn’t get you and never will. You wonder how someone that looked so good on paper could get lost in translation. You wonder just how hard it is to find someone who looks at things the same way you do. Are you really such a rarity? Is the way you look at life really so odd? That’s loneliness to me: feeling like you’re not being heard or recognized and sitting across from a person who was supposed to be part of your tribe but isn’t. Not even close.
A few months ago, I went to brunch at a friend’s house and I didn’t really know anyone there. When I entered the apartment, it was like a scene out of The Big Chill. There were ten or fifteen people cooking food together dancing in the kitchen and, like, listening to Motown. Everyone seemed close, like a big giant family, and I immediately felt lonely because even though I have a great group of friends, they’re all sort of scattered. And I don’t think many of them would cook pancakes and sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” with me. It’s always so strange and alienating when you get a peek into someone else’s world and see how they do things differently than you, isn’t it?
Basically I feel the most lonely when I’m supposed to be feeling a connection but can’t or won’t or don’t. You bank on feeling one way and you end up feeling another. That’s the worst. That’s far more isolating than eating brunch alone or going to the movies alone or being awake at 5am. Because those are choices. You are doing a solitary activity. You expect it. You don’t expect, however, to feel completely alone at a bar or a party. You left your apartment to socialize and you ended up feeling more disconnected than when you started. That was not supposed to happen! That’s why, for me, life has the ability to wound me more when I’m outside and doing social activities than it does when I’m alone in my bedroom. Nothing can hurt me when I’m alone, besides myself. It’s the other people that I worry about, it’s the other people that can really make me feel truly lonely.
7.3.13
Routine.
when routine bites hard and ambitions are low
back to uni week 1. it's been rather tiring to say the very least...waking up early is something to get used to again and to keep concentration is what i need to achieve. there's a lot to be learned in such a short period of time and there's that inevitable sense of feeling absolutely flustered because nothing is going into my head. ah well. i need to revise obviously.
this is one of those moments when i feel like writing but nothing is coming out properly.
in fact i feel like i've lost the flair for writing.
i'll see ellie goulding for the 2nd time tomorrow. im excited.
back to uni week 1. it's been rather tiring to say the very least...waking up early is something to get used to again and to keep concentration is what i need to achieve. there's a lot to be learned in such a short period of time and there's that inevitable sense of feeling absolutely flustered because nothing is going into my head. ah well. i need to revise obviously.
this is one of those moments when i feel like writing but nothing is coming out properly.
in fact i feel like i've lost the flair for writing.
i'll see ellie goulding for the 2nd time tomorrow. im excited.
5.2.13
We make plans for big times
...get bogged down, destructed.
we make plans for good times, all neon all surface
this was spose to be published a week ago, i just didn't finish writing.
There comes a point in life where you realise exactly why some things are cliches, only because they ring the truth and it has been tried and tested with many different people. Time. Time the great healer of everything nasty and hurtful.
It's amazing how potent the healing abilities of time is. I still recall a time in November 2012 where all I thought of was one thing and I simply didn't live life, I just existed through it. For some obvious reasons, it was very evident as to where my sadness was coming from but at that time, it didn't feel justified since most of it was one sided. So in the end, you just need to stand up tall and strong, for there really is no one else but yourself who will lead the road towards rehabilitation. And here I am, living at the end of January 2013. I got through it, not over it and now that past is behind me. Sometimes I do think of the past and how the fantasy world I constructed felt much more satisfying than reality and true, a wave of nostalgia hits me hard in the face. But you learn to accept that these momentary thoughts will pass, that it's only a minute second that your heart dies for a bit...but inevitably restarts to continue this journey of life.
Things have changed for everyone that was in my circle for most of 2012. Circumstances arise, obligations take over and fate drives people apart. Change is inevitable but you learn to accept it because in the most twisted of ways, life has a penchant for throwing blessings in such disgusting disguises that you never saw what was there to begin with. 2013 has been good for me thus far, albeit quite slow but perhaps a smooth sailing is preferable over a dramatic rise and fall. But how do we know how high we can get if we never fall down? Ah. I've fallen so many times last year that everything this year seems to be somewhat more favourable and optimistic.
My holiday in Hong Kong was rejuvenating. It seems as though every trip overseas teaches me something about myself and gives me lessons to be learned. How on earth for the vast majority of 2012 did I forget my roots? Maybe that happened because of the people I was around...or you could say it was because of the person I was around. They say you are the melting pot of everyone you have ever met and with him, it wasn't any different. I adopted traits off him, mannerisms were exchanged and I learnt many useless new things that have simply helped shaped the person I am today. Nevertheless, he was one who was adamant to ditch the asian side of him, preferring to concentrate on the Australian culture that is largely dominated by white culture. I suppose it was a learning experience but in the end, I became more and more like him.
Going to Hong Kong this year made me realise how naive it was to ditch everything about my own cultural background. Despite practicing the language and customs at home, there was a certain part of me that was reluctant to adhere to being strictly Chinese or whatever. I guess that's the odd thing, having two cultures inherrently embedded into your being, your personality and quite frankly, the way you operate. Home is where the heart is. Your roots are where you belong and knowing your heritage, comes an illuminated understanding of the present and why the way things are the way they are.
we make plans for good times, all neon all surface
this was spose to be published a week ago, i just didn't finish writing.
There comes a point in life where you realise exactly why some things are cliches, only because they ring the truth and it has been tried and tested with many different people. Time. Time the great healer of everything nasty and hurtful.
It's amazing how potent the healing abilities of time is. I still recall a time in November 2012 where all I thought of was one thing and I simply didn't live life, I just existed through it. For some obvious reasons, it was very evident as to where my sadness was coming from but at that time, it didn't feel justified since most of it was one sided. So in the end, you just need to stand up tall and strong, for there really is no one else but yourself who will lead the road towards rehabilitation. And here I am, living at the end of January 2013. I got through it, not over it and now that past is behind me. Sometimes I do think of the past and how the fantasy world I constructed felt much more satisfying than reality and true, a wave of nostalgia hits me hard in the face. But you learn to accept that these momentary thoughts will pass, that it's only a minute second that your heart dies for a bit...but inevitably restarts to continue this journey of life.
Things have changed for everyone that was in my circle for most of 2012. Circumstances arise, obligations take over and fate drives people apart. Change is inevitable but you learn to accept it because in the most twisted of ways, life has a penchant for throwing blessings in such disgusting disguises that you never saw what was there to begin with. 2013 has been good for me thus far, albeit quite slow but perhaps a smooth sailing is preferable over a dramatic rise and fall. But how do we know how high we can get if we never fall down? Ah. I've fallen so many times last year that everything this year seems to be somewhat more favourable and optimistic.
My holiday in Hong Kong was rejuvenating. It seems as though every trip overseas teaches me something about myself and gives me lessons to be learned. How on earth for the vast majority of 2012 did I forget my roots? Maybe that happened because of the people I was around...or you could say it was because of the person I was around. They say you are the melting pot of everyone you have ever met and with him, it wasn't any different. I adopted traits off him, mannerisms were exchanged and I learnt many useless new things that have simply helped shaped the person I am today. Nevertheless, he was one who was adamant to ditch the asian side of him, preferring to concentrate on the Australian culture that is largely dominated by white culture. I suppose it was a learning experience but in the end, I became more and more like him.
Going to Hong Kong this year made me realise how naive it was to ditch everything about my own cultural background. Despite practicing the language and customs at home, there was a certain part of me that was reluctant to adhere to being strictly Chinese or whatever. I guess that's the odd thing, having two cultures inherrently embedded into your being, your personality and quite frankly, the way you operate. Home is where the heart is. Your roots are where you belong and knowing your heritage, comes an illuminated understanding of the present and why the way things are the way they are.
29.12.12
(hanging) by a moment.
These days I'm becoming more and more nostalgic.
The new year is coming. I'm looking back at what has happened. There are times when life plays out in your head like an episode after one another. Perhaps it would be better that way, at least there would be a more cement way of reliving moments for memory is poor and pieces of the past chip away as time progresses. Soon the memory will only be recalled in some fantastical way, with some moments added in, the important bits remaining and the petty bits completely dreamed up.
Life last year on this exact day was different. It was only beginning for me. I still remember .. that exact look on your face. What you said. Everything.
2013. I'm scared it will become a year where I'll spend everyday looking at the calendar and trying to recall what happened on that exact day in 2012. The days of 2012 were spent looking forward to what else life could throw at me. The nostalgia and the sentimentality of 2012 will really leave me in ruins, there has to be some way where I can just live in the present. The music that I listened to throughout 2012 should be replaced, for they only spark up certain feelings at certain times. Carla Bruni.. oh how you make my heart burn and long for that exact moment when I felt like life finally happened. Katy Perry, for unleashing a stronger me. Ellie Goulding, for everything.
Dreams were made and lost. Reality hit home harder than expected.
This was a year of...
Light All My Lights - Seeker Lover Keeper
This song will be the song I will remember 2012 by.
The first time I heard this song was before the worst, before anything happened, before everything changed. It was the last calm before the storm...
We were sitting in the car, driving home from Bondi Junction after a long day of hanging out... The day was gruelling hot, stinking even, for I never anticipated the heat but instead brought my checkered cardigan along. It poured as we left Bondi, much to our surprise but to relief as the warm August day reverted to the norm as to being chilly instead.
It was truly the day before absolute change.
This was the day before life progressed to the next level for you, preparing you for full time work, before she broke off a relationship that was strong for her and well, for our other friend, before the phase where she would realise that there were other people in the world. As for me, I was content in my world, enjoying the company of everyone, thinking that this...was the life. Little did I know that that day marked the end for a new beginning in all our lives. I would go off to admitting feelings, she would go off to meet her current boyfriend and ultimately be exiled from the group's lives, our other friend would settle for a period of downtime with her boyfriend and you, well... in some way, you didn't change then...But from my eyes I thought life took hold of you because you suddenly became so busy and you found some other new friends along the way out to creating the current you.
As 'Light All My Lights' played, the car's windscreen wipers were on the maximal speed and I sat in the backseat, thinking about how I would remember that exact moment every time I hear this song...and I wasn't wrong. I looked out the window and saw the magnificent city we lived in and all the rain that drenched it and thought to myself that it couldn't get any better. Inside that car were four souls, our lives were all interconnected at that moment. We were four great friends, all seemingly content though perhaps, we were all hiding a part of ourselves that would soon be revealed.
And now in the present I still maintain connections to all of you. ....Can it be the way it was?
Time changes everything. People make decisions and then hurt one another. Lack of foresight complicate things. Trust is easily traded away for acceptance as part of the norm, part of the popular opinion.
Times like these will never happen again, much to my dismay. For most have all moved on, except for one...and I suppose that's me. Fabulous memories like these ignite a flame inside and looking back, it is truly bittersweet to recall everything. And all this time I was wondering why you were the way you were.
I understand now.
I understand now.
25.12.12
yo-lo
After several attempts to actually start writing a blog post then having it being abandoned due to sheer laziness or perhaps a lack of things to say, here I am being ever so adamant to write about life itself. I haven't blogged all month, ever since that time when I was so heartbroken and all. I think it is safe to say that I no longer feel broken or anything in fact, life is just passing by and I am fine.
December always feels like a fun month, no matter what year it is. It's the time when everyone is preparing to go on extended holidays and well, feels like everything is ending. 2012 has been such an odd year, one that I'll remember as having to grow up in many ways. I learnt a lot, made many new friends...and if I look back at this time last year, things have certainly changed and I wouldn't be able to have envisioned my current life as it is. But you know, that's life. You make a small decision at some point and down the track, that small decision would be so ever pivotal and influential to your life... I'm not sure if I can remember much of 2011 these days given the intensity of the situations experienced this year. It has been full on and absolutely crazy but maybe that's how I like it.
There will be times when you find something absolutely amazing but maybe the timing just isn't right. But you can't help but notice how fate keeps twisting itself. Perhaps you shouldn't look too much into it, because wanting to control how life unfolds will only result in a disappointment of how life isn't happening as it should do so.
2012 - YOLO.
December always feels like a fun month, no matter what year it is. It's the time when everyone is preparing to go on extended holidays and well, feels like everything is ending. 2012 has been such an odd year, one that I'll remember as having to grow up in many ways. I learnt a lot, made many new friends...and if I look back at this time last year, things have certainly changed and I wouldn't be able to have envisioned my current life as it is. But you know, that's life. You make a small decision at some point and down the track, that small decision would be so ever pivotal and influential to your life... I'm not sure if I can remember much of 2011 these days given the intensity of the situations experienced this year. It has been full on and absolutely crazy but maybe that's how I like it.
There will be times when you find something absolutely amazing but maybe the timing just isn't right. But you can't help but notice how fate keeps twisting itself. Perhaps you shouldn't look too much into it, because wanting to control how life unfolds will only result in a disappointment of how life isn't happening as it should do so.
2012 - YOLO.
14.11.12
Loner
I never go straight home after uni anymore. The days of first year where I longed to get out of Cumbo and back home as soon as possible are long gone. These days I just take myself out to do things that are supposed to make me happy and yet, it usually results in a sense of disappointment because I tend to overthink things and the vicious cycle simply continues.
Today I went to eat the strawberry and watermelon cake. It surely is delicious and sweet, bitterly so to be exact. I sat on the wooden stools on the street, watching the rain sprinkle down onto the pavement. The air was somewhat colder than the weather we had experienced as of late, the clouds obscured the sky. There I was, a lone figure on Australia St watching the world pass me by. Everyone seemed to be engaged with their lives or perhaps in the company of someone else, laughing, catching up, having a good time and then there was me, trapped inside my thoughts because I don't know how to articulate the sheer loneliness I feel at times. I'm not proud of being lonely, I don't think anyone can ever be. It's not something you choose but simply something that happens as of consequence of the choices you have made long before in life. There is a reason why I am the way I am today.
If I could have told myself something in the past, I'd tell her to not take everything so seriously. Do teenager things. Be stupid. Have fun. Let loose. The maturity that you uphold isn't really that beneficial. I shoulda. I woulda. I coulda. Don't want to hear these words in my life ever again.
And here I am, alone again drowning in my thoughts. Some are just blessed to have company around them all the time. I've not been one who had things ever to come so easily. I have to work for it, fight for it...they just don't come by. I wonder what the use of what I am going through is for me. Maybe it's helping me to grow into a different person. But whatever, being lonely...is not something a person chooses. Know that.
9.11.12
(500) Days
Truth to be told, the whole movie breaks my heart. I'm not sure what can happen in life these days.
2.11.12
Revert
How is it even November already?
Ah, another nostalgic post from me again...but sorry can't help it. You know how songs take you back to a precise moment in time? Yeah, that happens to me a lot of the times. Carla Bruni's Quelqu'un M'a Dit takes me back to March, back to the time when I decided to actually give the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack a real listen, knowing it was so well collated and everything. This song struck me as it played over one of the most poignant scenes in the movie, where Tom and Summer are riding in the car and Tom asks her what their relationship exactly encompasses... But Summer says that she doesn't know and that they were having fun. Somehow, this scene comforts yet saddens me, only because moments are ever so fleeting and that things keep on changing because life happens. At that point in time, something exciting was happening in my life and I was wondering what would happen down the track. Now I'm in November. Much adversity has been faced but here I am, still living and standing strong and I hope so forevermore.
Ah, how relevant. iTunes shuffle always reads my mind...The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition is playing right now...yet another song off 500 Days of Summer.
I can recall that precise moment when I heard Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe. I was with my dad in McDonalds on Princes Highway and it was late at night, I was unhappy because of the lack of happiness I found with my studies and also, clouded with the misery of my thoughts. We went out for a drive in the city, hoping to lift my spirits of which it did. However in retrospect, the lifting of my sadness was mainly due to something else that happened, perhaps it got to do with the object of my affections.
April. The day before Anzac Day. Linkin Park's Shadow of the Day. I remember I felt rather reflective and this was the song that struck my mind. I kept listening to it because I wanted hope in my life, of which it gave me some temporarily. How could I ever forget Katy Perry's Part of Me coupled with Kelly Clarkson's What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)? Those were the songs that I made my anthems for about a week because I had been led to believe in something that wasn't really there...but other things happened to convey more hope...and perhaps leading up to disillusion. I deleted some memories from that time period as I heeded the advice of a friend. I really wish I hadn't. (Never Let Me Go)
Take me to May. What was the soundtrack then? Ah. Flo Rida's Wild Ones. Finishing placement was one of the highlights of the year. I will never forget interacting with real patients and being so privileged to listen to their stories and watch their gradual recovering leading up to discharge.
June 18-65. How funny are coincidences?
Sometimes my memory operates like a tv show. I feel like I can relive every situation I've ever been through in my head, recall that precise moment and the feelings associated with it. The coincidence. That was a moment when everything in the world didn't matter, like life was finally taking shape and I was truly invincible. Because nothing ever so magical happened before in my life and as I was there with you. Of course, moments like these are fleeting but I thought that's when it all began. Truly. I've wasted half the day thinking about the past. Mm.
I always find that July is forever magical no matter what year it is. However, as there is a high there is always a low. Maybe because it's the month of my birthday and so everything seems to be so idealised. I don't know...and the quality of my writing has diminished as of late. But that's what happens when your mind is all over the place. Oh life. What are you?
Ah, another nostalgic post from me again...but sorry can't help it. You know how songs take you back to a precise moment in time? Yeah, that happens to me a lot of the times. Carla Bruni's Quelqu'un M'a Dit takes me back to March, back to the time when I decided to actually give the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack a real listen, knowing it was so well collated and everything. This song struck me as it played over one of the most poignant scenes in the movie, where Tom and Summer are riding in the car and Tom asks her what their relationship exactly encompasses... But Summer says that she doesn't know and that they were having fun. Somehow, this scene comforts yet saddens me, only because moments are ever so fleeting and that things keep on changing because life happens. At that point in time, something exciting was happening in my life and I was wondering what would happen down the track. Now I'm in November. Much adversity has been faced but here I am, still living and standing strong and I hope so forevermore.
Ah, how relevant. iTunes shuffle always reads my mind...The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition is playing right now...yet another song off 500 Days of Summer.
I can recall that precise moment when I heard Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe. I was with my dad in McDonalds on Princes Highway and it was late at night, I was unhappy because of the lack of happiness I found with my studies and also, clouded with the misery of my thoughts. We went out for a drive in the city, hoping to lift my spirits of which it did. However in retrospect, the lifting of my sadness was mainly due to something else that happened, perhaps it got to do with the object of my affections.
April. The day before Anzac Day. Linkin Park's Shadow of the Day. I remember I felt rather reflective and this was the song that struck my mind. I kept listening to it because I wanted hope in my life, of which it gave me some temporarily. How could I ever forget Katy Perry's Part of Me coupled with Kelly Clarkson's What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)? Those were the songs that I made my anthems for about a week because I had been led to believe in something that wasn't really there...but other things happened to convey more hope...and perhaps leading up to disillusion. I deleted some memories from that time period as I heeded the advice of a friend. I really wish I hadn't. (Never Let Me Go)
Take me to May. What was the soundtrack then? Ah. Flo Rida's Wild Ones. Finishing placement was one of the highlights of the year. I will never forget interacting with real patients and being so privileged to listen to their stories and watch their gradual recovering leading up to discharge.
June 18-65. How funny are coincidences?
Sometimes my memory operates like a tv show. I feel like I can relive every situation I've ever been through in my head, recall that precise moment and the feelings associated with it. The coincidence. That was a moment when everything in the world didn't matter, like life was finally taking shape and I was truly invincible. Because nothing ever so magical happened before in my life and as I was there with you. Of course, moments like these are fleeting but I thought that's when it all began. Truly. I've wasted half the day thinking about the past. Mm.
I always find that July is forever magical no matter what year it is. However, as there is a high there is always a low. Maybe because it's the month of my birthday and so everything seems to be so idealised. I don't know...and the quality of my writing has diminished as of late. But that's what happens when your mind is all over the place. Oh life. What are you?
12.10.12
Where Does Love Go When It Dies?
I could never write anything as beautiful as this...but this article captures what I think. What happens to those feelings when people drift apart? Not even in just relationships (something I have thus far not experienced) but in friendships that were once held so dear. How can the feelings that were once so intense just vanish away into thin air? It's weird but it happens. You make a pact that you will remain best friends until the day you die and yet you only remain best friends till the day you leave primary school. People move in and out of your life, it's somewhat inevitable.
Post by Chelsea Fagan from Thought Catalog.
"There was a friend you saw every day when you were little. They were the friend with whom you built forts, told scary stories (trying not to fall asleep first), and ran around in the neighborhood until you had to come in for dinner. (Five more minutes, mom, please?) All of the most thrilling, scary, confusing parts of growing up and navigating a world three sizes too big for you seemed manageable with them, almost an adventure. Catching fireflies and wiggling around in sleeping bags, setting up a tent in your backyard, seemed like the stuff of a dangerous safari. You were sure you could catch a lion together, if only provided the proper equipment.
But things happened. You moved away, or they did, or seeing each other just got too hard. Even a simple change of school can do it. Before you know it, you’re an actual adult, and the person who knew you best for such an enormous part of your life — the only person with whom you share such an extraordinary quantity of childhood memories — is gone. You remember the first few months after you two were separated. You recreated all the little things you used to do together, spending hours up in the tree fort by yourself, hoping that you’d be enough to make the magic again. And one day you realize that there was just a certain kind of magic that existed between the two of you, at that time, in that small neighborhood, with those fireflies. It’s not that you’re not enough; it’s just gone.
_____
There was the person who taught you how to love. The person with whom you felt more alive and real and full than you ever imagined possible, who seemed to love even the dark, ugly corners of yourself you were constantly trying to squirrel away. They licked your wounds and told you that you were beautiful. They took you on adventures that didn’t even require you leaving your house. Between the bedroom, the kitchen, and the plush, perfect couch, you existed in a kind of seclusion from everything else in the world. You didn’t need anyone else. You lost entire days kissing, talking, laughing in the car holding hands over the stick shift. You remember the things they showed you, things you were certain that no other human had ever been privy to, things that seemed too beautiful to look at directly. With them, you were some kind of royalty, protected from the ugliness of the world outside.
But things happened. And one night, you found yourselves at the rough, tattered end of a conversation that spanned several hours and had clearly been overdue for weeks. You had both said things that stung, that made you question whether or not this was all some sort of mirage, that you could have imagined such a beautiful interlude out of such a crippling need to feel loved in some way. You can feel the tears welling up and burning the corners of your eyes, but had promised yourself a thousand times before arriving that, no, you would not cry tonight. But you do cry. And they cry. And you hold each other and cry. But in the morning, it’s still over. It’s gone.
_____
There was the friend with whom you came of age. Learning how to kiss, how to sneak a beer, how to run away quickly if you heard an authority figure coming — they made the education seem easy, even comfortable, learning everything by your side. You swapped tips, you grew, you started to figure out life in a way that adulthood would eventually demand. You started to understand what it meant to save money, to make hard choices, to worry about your future. Without realizing you were doing it, the two of you held hands and waved goodbye to the childhood that was clearly fading into your past. Though the future was scary, unclear, and full of all the tedium you knew would wear on your spirit; knowing that someone just like you was taking the step as well made it alright. “Everything is gonna change,” you would whisper at night, staring up at the stars, passing a single bottle between the two of you. “I know,” they would reply. And you knew, just knew, that it would always be the two of you seeing the change together.
But things happened. You had failed to account for the changes that would literally pull you in different directions, that would make you a sort of new person, that would leave one or the other longing to forget about their wild days before adulthood and everything that came with it. From distance, emotional or geographic, the rate at which you come together to share everything dwindles to nothingness. Eventually, it’s been too long to just call them back. Things have become strange, and there’s a certain metallic taste in your mouth when you think of the memories that have nearly evaporated into thin air behind you.
_____
Where do these people go? What do they do? Is there some kind of colony in which they all live together, holding hands and thinking of the time they spent with you? Of course not, that would be ridiculous. People are whole entities with their own struggles and histories and reasons for not calling back, and they can’t spend the rest of their lives thinking about how great it was when you two were together. But it was great, wasn’t it? And the idea that they can go a whole lifetime without ever looking back and feeling that aching, sinking feeling in their stomach, that crippling nostalgia — it’s almost worse than the ending itself. The separation is so much more bearable when you know that you both look back fondly, and would always want to meet for a coffee, should the occasion arise.
Just because you two are no longer the comic book duo that you once were doesn’t mean that you don’t want to see a Christmas card from their new family, or hear about their big move, or find out whatever became of their incredible talent for drawing. This isn’t about a broken heart. A broken heart implies a kind of shattering, a searching the hardwood floor for pieces that might have gotten lost under the couch. Yours isn’t broken, it’s long-since been patched together and, despite the occasional stutter, functions quite well. This is about a heart that aches with memories too big for its fragile little form, that is bursting on all sides from love that longs to be accepted, to at least be vocalized. This is a heart that dies a slow, quiet death from this awful need we have to pretend as though something never existed the second that it is over.
And where does this love go? Because it’s impossible to believe that it simply ceases to be a part of our universe, that it falls into some pinprick-sized black hole and no longer floats amongst us, making the world brighter for its once having existed. Things are better because you caught fireflies in your back yard, because you kissed under a blanket with your hands on their chest, because you drove around in circles in your parents’ car, blasting music. This love must still exist somewhere, transmuting into more love and better love and love for people who haven’t yet felt it. It must be there, because you still remember it.
Maybe we just need to hear that they do, too.
Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/where-does-love-go-when-it-dies/#ym87SvUkIEXdHWll.99 "
Post by Chelsea Fagan from Thought Catalog.
"There was a friend you saw every day when you were little. They were the friend with whom you built forts, told scary stories (trying not to fall asleep first), and ran around in the neighborhood until you had to come in for dinner. (Five more minutes, mom, please?) All of the most thrilling, scary, confusing parts of growing up and navigating a world three sizes too big for you seemed manageable with them, almost an adventure. Catching fireflies and wiggling around in sleeping bags, setting up a tent in your backyard, seemed like the stuff of a dangerous safari. You were sure you could catch a lion together, if only provided the proper equipment.
But things happened. You moved away, or they did, or seeing each other just got too hard. Even a simple change of school can do it. Before you know it, you’re an actual adult, and the person who knew you best for such an enormous part of your life — the only person with whom you share such an extraordinary quantity of childhood memories — is gone. You remember the first few months after you two were separated. You recreated all the little things you used to do together, spending hours up in the tree fort by yourself, hoping that you’d be enough to make the magic again. And one day you realize that there was just a certain kind of magic that existed between the two of you, at that time, in that small neighborhood, with those fireflies. It’s not that you’re not enough; it’s just gone.
_____
There was the person who taught you how to love. The person with whom you felt more alive and real and full than you ever imagined possible, who seemed to love even the dark, ugly corners of yourself you were constantly trying to squirrel away. They licked your wounds and told you that you were beautiful. They took you on adventures that didn’t even require you leaving your house. Between the bedroom, the kitchen, and the plush, perfect couch, you existed in a kind of seclusion from everything else in the world. You didn’t need anyone else. You lost entire days kissing, talking, laughing in the car holding hands over the stick shift. You remember the things they showed you, things you were certain that no other human had ever been privy to, things that seemed too beautiful to look at directly. With them, you were some kind of royalty, protected from the ugliness of the world outside.
But things happened. And one night, you found yourselves at the rough, tattered end of a conversation that spanned several hours and had clearly been overdue for weeks. You had both said things that stung, that made you question whether or not this was all some sort of mirage, that you could have imagined such a beautiful interlude out of such a crippling need to feel loved in some way. You can feel the tears welling up and burning the corners of your eyes, but had promised yourself a thousand times before arriving that, no, you would not cry tonight. But you do cry. And they cry. And you hold each other and cry. But in the morning, it’s still over. It’s gone.
_____
There was the friend with whom you came of age. Learning how to kiss, how to sneak a beer, how to run away quickly if you heard an authority figure coming — they made the education seem easy, even comfortable, learning everything by your side. You swapped tips, you grew, you started to figure out life in a way that adulthood would eventually demand. You started to understand what it meant to save money, to make hard choices, to worry about your future. Without realizing you were doing it, the two of you held hands and waved goodbye to the childhood that was clearly fading into your past. Though the future was scary, unclear, and full of all the tedium you knew would wear on your spirit; knowing that someone just like you was taking the step as well made it alright. “Everything is gonna change,” you would whisper at night, staring up at the stars, passing a single bottle between the two of you. “I know,” they would reply. And you knew, just knew, that it would always be the two of you seeing the change together.
But things happened. You had failed to account for the changes that would literally pull you in different directions, that would make you a sort of new person, that would leave one or the other longing to forget about their wild days before adulthood and everything that came with it. From distance, emotional or geographic, the rate at which you come together to share everything dwindles to nothingness. Eventually, it’s been too long to just call them back. Things have become strange, and there’s a certain metallic taste in your mouth when you think of the memories that have nearly evaporated into thin air behind you.
_____
Where do these people go? What do they do? Is there some kind of colony in which they all live together, holding hands and thinking of the time they spent with you? Of course not, that would be ridiculous. People are whole entities with their own struggles and histories and reasons for not calling back, and they can’t spend the rest of their lives thinking about how great it was when you two were together. But it was great, wasn’t it? And the idea that they can go a whole lifetime without ever looking back and feeling that aching, sinking feeling in their stomach, that crippling nostalgia — it’s almost worse than the ending itself. The separation is so much more bearable when you know that you both look back fondly, and would always want to meet for a coffee, should the occasion arise.
Just because you two are no longer the comic book duo that you once were doesn’t mean that you don’t want to see a Christmas card from their new family, or hear about their big move, or find out whatever became of their incredible talent for drawing. This isn’t about a broken heart. A broken heart implies a kind of shattering, a searching the hardwood floor for pieces that might have gotten lost under the couch. Yours isn’t broken, it’s long-since been patched together and, despite the occasional stutter, functions quite well. This is about a heart that aches with memories too big for its fragile little form, that is bursting on all sides from love that longs to be accepted, to at least be vocalized. This is a heart that dies a slow, quiet death from this awful need we have to pretend as though something never existed the second that it is over.
And where does this love go? Because it’s impossible to believe that it simply ceases to be a part of our universe, that it falls into some pinprick-sized black hole and no longer floats amongst us, making the world brighter for its once having existed. Things are better because you caught fireflies in your back yard, because you kissed under a blanket with your hands on their chest, because you drove around in circles in your parents’ car, blasting music. This love must still exist somewhere, transmuting into more love and better love and love for people who haven’t yet felt it. It must be there, because you still remember it.
Maybe we just need to hear that they do, too.
Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/where-does-love-go-when-it-dies/#ym87SvUkIEXdHWll.99 "
10.10.12
Life
From being wholeheartedly inspired to take on this year at the end of last year with my studies and all...I suppose what life threw at me resulted in me being somewhat distracted and less concentrated with my career. I just wanted to get by, realising that there is more to life than simply a career that perhaps everything else is just waiting to happen.
But then I realise...that the desire to find the ultimate dream career still hasn't gone. Surely, physiotherapy is simply not my forte but 2 years into it, I think I will have to just simply complete it because it would be a waste of time if I didn't. They say that if you want something ever so badly, you will ultimately find a way into it. Clinical placement made me realise that what I am doing is totally worthwhile because seeing patients recovering and gain increased ranges in their motion was inspiring. However, was that really what I was interested in? Looking back, the whole year of 2010 was just me focused on achieving a high UMAT score and therefore, be able to enter medicine... However, I knew intrinsically within that it wouldn't be easy for me because...my brain just doesn't work the UMAT way. Haha, there's no use in blaming but I just had no talent for that stuff. Nevertheless, I hope to see some light in what I want to do in the future, whether it will still be in the medical profession or not, we'll just have to see what the next obstacle life throws at me.
I think that these days, I am more than capable with handling sticky situations. Sure they aren't always ideal but at least I have had some experience now. I should be fine. Oh I do hope so.
And I really want a tattoo along my spine.
But then I realise...that the desire to find the ultimate dream career still hasn't gone. Surely, physiotherapy is simply not my forte but 2 years into it, I think I will have to just simply complete it because it would be a waste of time if I didn't. They say that if you want something ever so badly, you will ultimately find a way into it. Clinical placement made me realise that what I am doing is totally worthwhile because seeing patients recovering and gain increased ranges in their motion was inspiring. However, was that really what I was interested in? Looking back, the whole year of 2010 was just me focused on achieving a high UMAT score and therefore, be able to enter medicine... However, I knew intrinsically within that it wouldn't be easy for me because...my brain just doesn't work the UMAT way. Haha, there's no use in blaming but I just had no talent for that stuff. Nevertheless, I hope to see some light in what I want to do in the future, whether it will still be in the medical profession or not, we'll just have to see what the next obstacle life throws at me.
I think that these days, I am more than capable with handling sticky situations. Sure they aren't always ideal but at least I have had some experience now. I should be fine. Oh I do hope so.
And I really want a tattoo along my spine.
2.10.12
October.
These days I'm learning to grow up. Mum has been overseas with my brother for nearly a month now (due to family issues) and honestly, it's just so empty without her. Sometimes I don't know where to go and in fact I feel like a lost little girl. I suppose what I'm yearning is just for my mum to come home because I miss her so much...
It scares me to face the fact that everyone around me are also growing up. Love, sex, relationships, jobs, uni, careers...stretching out to newer horizons...seems like these issues are all that I hear about as late. Your late teens and early twenties are when you're most volatile to changes and everyone is ditching the naive persona that once enclaved them emancipating to real young adults. As I caught up with some friends, I had realised that I was probably the only few left with an idealised perception of relationships these days. Some are moving too fast with their significant others, other people seem to have been dating on and off regularly. And here, after experiencing something that really threw me off course last month, I still haven't really understood how people truly treat relationships with others and how complex it truly is.
The house is so empty right now. It's only me who's here...my sister still hasn't come home from work yet either. And Transatlanticism is playing in the background as thoughts just flow through my head translating to typed out words from my fingertips... I don't know how to be ever truly happy I suppose. I'm stuck between needing to grow up or staying in my idealised world where everything is simply skewed to my perceptions. Why do people grow up? Why do relationships have to encompass such a broad range of emotions? I don't understand what draws two people together. I feel like an outsider in this living world and all I really want to is be 5 years old again, oblivious to the world and be able to sink into my parent's arms after a full day of living and playing, as if nothing else ever mattered.
I feel so small.
It scares me to face the fact that everyone around me are also growing up. Love, sex, relationships, jobs, uni, careers...stretching out to newer horizons...seems like these issues are all that I hear about as late. Your late teens and early twenties are when you're most volatile to changes and everyone is ditching the naive persona that once enclaved them emancipating to real young adults. As I caught up with some friends, I had realised that I was probably the only few left with an idealised perception of relationships these days. Some are moving too fast with their significant others, other people seem to have been dating on and off regularly. And here, after experiencing something that really threw me off course last month, I still haven't really understood how people truly treat relationships with others and how complex it truly is.
The house is so empty right now. It's only me who's here...my sister still hasn't come home from work yet either. And Transatlanticism is playing in the background as thoughts just flow through my head translating to typed out words from my fingertips... I don't know how to be ever truly happy I suppose. I'm stuck between needing to grow up or staying in my idealised world where everything is simply skewed to my perceptions. Why do people grow up? Why do relationships have to encompass such a broad range of emotions? I don't understand what draws two people together. I feel like an outsider in this living world and all I really want to is be 5 years old again, oblivious to the world and be able to sink into my parent's arms after a full day of living and playing, as if nothing else ever mattered.
I feel so small.
19.9.12
Revival.
Sometimes things have to be done, that they are inevitable happenings. If you haven't done it, you simply would never see the light out. And so that was how I felt better.
These days there are moments when I feel sad but they are very fleeting. They come by and I acknowledge its presence but I don't let the feeling dictate what I should next or anything.
In the end, I have learnt that in life that it is good to sometimes just let the way things be. Controlling every aspect meticulously will not only be annoying but will sometimes have the results that you so do not desire. With this whole episode I have learnt so much and feel like I have done some personal growth...
I had also cut my hair to signal this change. Only because it was the next logical step.
And below is a picture of me trying on a Lover dress....Always a Lover dress.
Fkn Lover. Lulz.
5.9.12
25.8.12
15.8.12
Summertime Sadness.
It's the 3rd week back at uni and yet I can't really register it because my mind is always elsewhere, like it has always been for the past year anyway. Oddly enough, education has dropped off my list of priorities. Yes, there are times when I'm just wishing that I could go the further extent of learning everything at uni but these days, living in a fantasy world just seems more ideal.
I'm still making mistakes these days. I know the right answers as to what to do with a particular person but attachment, that's something I can't shake nor skirt around. It hurts because I know I'm just killing myself, making myself stuck in this never ending loop of self pitying.
I nearly told him. Somewhat like a confession about every-fucking-thing that has been plaguing my mind and how I really don't know what else to do anymore. But I didn't because I was too afraid of the repercussions. Was it too early? When is the right time to tell someone anything about them...?
I'm tired.
4.8.12
Movies
I watched The Dark Knight Rises again at the cinemas for a 2nd time. The first occasion was on my actual birthday where I really couldn't think of anything better to do other than by watching TDKR and seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt on the screens.
The movie simply blew me away and is easily one of the best movies I have seen all year, taking into consideration that I do believe I have seen quite many to count. This year is truly a year of comic book films, hailing with the ever so popular The Avengers that kicked started it all.. Then it was The Amazing Spiderman which in my opinion was absolutely subpar, there was absolutely no magic in the film except it being a teen romance flick that included elements of superheroes within it. And the Avengers, despite really liking it at the time I watched it, upon reevalation, it was good for it being so lighthearted but ... in comparison to TDKR, it was just lacking.
So because I was simply so taken aback by Christopher Nolan's epic conclusion to the Batman trilogy, I saw it again by myself. Yes, by myself...in the cinemas. Perhaps I should really stop doing things myself because in all honesty, it just simply suggests elements of being forever alone. But fuck it, it was Batman and upon viewing it the second time, I think I am seriously becoming more and more obsessed with this epic piece of work. I am just so drawn to this world of film making and seriously wish I could spend my life watching films forever. Chris Nolan's statement upon the Colorado shootings talking about how the theatre is a sacred place, where dreams are projected upon the screen seemed rather outlandish at first...but now in the state that I am where I am just so amazed by all the movies I have seen, I finally get it. The world of movies is just so fascinating...whether it being watching the deterioration of someone's relationship in (500) Days of Summer to the fantastical dream world of Inception or reaching out to the craziness that is Blade Runner...I just fucking love movies.
Movies serve as a solace to some place else... In a world where things don't seem to working out in my life, I live everything through the films I watch nowadays. Perhaps that is a form of therapy in the form of escapism from mundane real life.
And then I also am listening to the OST. All these feels. FUCK! I love movies.
Also, a fuck you to those people who only really talk to me because they are bored and fucking requesting for something. What I feel is that I have perhaps most likely been led on to no end because I am a girl who simply feels too much about everything and can easily misinterpret subtle signs of flirting as real interest. Stop being so fucking naive and get a move on with life. Yeah.
The movie simply blew me away and is easily one of the best movies I have seen all year, taking into consideration that I do believe I have seen quite many to count. This year is truly a year of comic book films, hailing with the ever so popular The Avengers that kicked started it all.. Then it was The Amazing Spiderman which in my opinion was absolutely subpar, there was absolutely no magic in the film except it being a teen romance flick that included elements of superheroes within it. And the Avengers, despite really liking it at the time I watched it, upon reevalation, it was good for it being so lighthearted but ... in comparison to TDKR, it was just lacking.
So because I was simply so taken aback by Christopher Nolan's epic conclusion to the Batman trilogy, I saw it again by myself. Yes, by myself...in the cinemas. Perhaps I should really stop doing things myself because in all honesty, it just simply suggests elements of being forever alone. But fuck it, it was Batman and upon viewing it the second time, I think I am seriously becoming more and more obsessed with this epic piece of work. I am just so drawn to this world of film making and seriously wish I could spend my life watching films forever. Chris Nolan's statement upon the Colorado shootings talking about how the theatre is a sacred place, where dreams are projected upon the screen seemed rather outlandish at first...but now in the state that I am where I am just so amazed by all the movies I have seen, I finally get it. The world of movies is just so fascinating...whether it being watching the deterioration of someone's relationship in (500) Days of Summer to the fantastical dream world of Inception or reaching out to the craziness that is Blade Runner...I just fucking love movies.
Movies serve as a solace to some place else... In a world where things don't seem to working out in my life, I live everything through the films I watch nowadays. Perhaps that is a form of therapy in the form of escapism from mundane real life.
And then I also am listening to the OST. All these feels. FUCK! I love movies.
Also, a fuck you to those people who only really talk to me because they are bored and fucking requesting for something. What I feel is that I have perhaps most likely been led on to no end because I am a girl who simply feels too much about everything and can easily misinterpret subtle signs of flirting as real interest. Stop being so fucking naive and get a move on with life. Yeah.
1.8.12
This city's here for you.
I have not heard anything so moving and touching in such a long time. This song is reminiscent of something I have heard before...but cannot really verbalise what. But all I know is that I adore this song and I can't stop listening to it.
Bloc Party are back! And I am squealing like I massive fan girl...
And hey, it's August already. How did this happen?
No idea.
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