Shake It Out

Lately I've been having so much down time by myself. Despite having friends that want to meet up, I choose not to because I just like to spend time dwelling in my thoughts...which of course, is not a good thing. But I've got to spend quality time with my family especially my parents and just see that my life isn't really unworthy, that despite so many failures that have seemingly inundated my present life....at least I still have life to live for. 

After receiving my end of sem results, I have started to doubt myself. I'm doubting whether or not physiotherapy is the right course for me, yet again and the incredible want to do medicine started to cloud my mind again. Sometimes, I wish I did medicine so that I would be on track to do what I want to do...I am interested in the brain and hence I want to be a psychiatrist. There's so much to learn about mental illnesses and the excessive stigma associated with having any such disease is just terribly unfortunate. Nevertheless, what I really want to articulate here is that my atrocious UMAT results really bothered me. Despite thinking that I was over it and that I could accept it and move on, I did not know that my disappointment was deeply embedded within my subconscious, that I could not move on so easily and that I was still stuck in a rut. These feelings resurfaced as soon as my results were released. At first, I was ecstatic that my anatomy results were much better than those I had in semester 1 and thereby, relief was all I felt. But then as it sunk in, I started to worry about my GPA and then I realised I still had my mind on medicine. Somehow, I am still treating my course as a leaping pad for a career in medicine. I still want it so much. 

So I broke down in my mind and started to lose it. I couldn't think and I just couldn't see anyway out. It was terrible. But upon reevaluation, I could see my flaw. I have spent too much time being overly confident about something I had no control over and that hurt. The UMAT remains as my biggest obstacle right now. I have also spent time wishing that some miracle can happen that perhaps my mind will become something better than what it is right now. And that's another flaw: Wishing or praying. To be practical, all that wishing + praying ever does is just to calm your mind and feel a false sense of security, as if there were really angels in the magnificent sky above answering your wishes and granting everything to you. There isn't and I am afraid that if no action occurs, nothing will eventuate. That's life, so don't expect money to rain all over when you wish upon a shooting star. 

In the end, life is what you make of it. If you don't try hard, you won't get results. They say UMAT is a test you cannot study for. But I'm the type of person who knows that by not studying, I cannot get anything out of it. So I will. And I will become a doctor in the end no matter how hard it is going to be. It may be a long road ahead, a road full of unknowns but someone of incredible wisdom in history once said, 'When there's a will, there's a way'. 2012 will see a different person in me, I will endure to live in the present and look to the future. The past is always a great source of comfort but there is no use dwelling upon it. Life is what we make of it. It's the best wisdom I can ever say to anyone and I will grasp it all. I will be your doctor. That's my promise. 

Red Lights

Today I've been reminiscing about my visit to the UK. It's been nearly a year since I stepped off the plane and landed into Heathrow Airport and was absolutely amazed by all the sites I saw (of which were previously only observed via digital means). I can remember that initial landing where I was just so excited to finally see London. I have dreamed of going there since forever...well, perhaps since 2007 as it was the time when I fell in love with Mod 60s style (I still want to be a mod sometimes). Nevertheless, my uncle and aunty picked us up and we drove through the city and it was early in the morning...so it seemed as though the world was still asleep. It was also deep into winter the day we arrived so even though it was 7:30am on the clock, the world was all dark. I was terribly tired in the car with my body being so confused as to where it was. From departing a bright, sunny and hot Sydney we were suddenly in a climate where it was cool and the sun set at 4:00pm. But upon first glance at London town....I was immediately head over heels in love. Thinking about that first ever scene of the Thames River still gives me tingles. Some early morning joggers were also by the river, living life as they knew it. But to me, a Sydneysider who regards 15 degrees as cold was just so... wow, I don't even have the words to describe what I felt...But I was just amazed. 

Fast forward to a week into England and we had already visited a few places. One trip I will never forget is our trip back from Bristol to London, via Yatminster, a country town. We went on a detour there to visit my dad's friend who resides in this lovely cul-de-sac within this lovely village that is even smaller than Yatminster. Where he lived was quintessentially village lifestyle, with a local pub down the road and other villages connected by just one narrow road. We had dinner at the Chetnole Inn, a place where I will never forget and always yearn to go back to because of the amazing food they serve. I had bangers and mash with an amazingly delicious entree and side...Honestly the best pub food I have ever had in my life. 

Anyway, we had to drive back from Yatminster to suburban London...and it was quite late at night. We bought dad a coffee from the local petrol station and thus began perhaps the longest drive of his life. We were all exhausted and just flat out. The silly me also didn't remember to charge my iPod so I was just hanging onto its short life. Nevertheless, we drove through the countryside roads where there were minimal lights. I remember breathing onto the car windows and watching the world outside past by. There were some occasional lights outside which perhaps belonged to farm houses...everything was just so fantastically peaceful. My iPod was on shuffle so Delphic's Red Lights came on. We drove into the highways and as I watched outside, Red Lights was on full blast. And now whenever I hear this song, I can't help but think of the highways in England... 

Dad was so tired from the drive that approximately an hour away from home, we stopped by the side of the road to take a rest. Everyone in the car was asleep and we were cold and my brother and I huddled together. I had already taken a few naps and hence, watched the cars outside whizz by and turned up Delphic's music even louder. UK - I miss you.

My incredible nostalgia may be too much to handle. But I think these few days I'll be posting about my visits. I want to remember as much detail as possible. 

Aggravated

I get so aggravated whenever I view something that is deeply rooted in xenophobia online where people lash out horrible remarks against others. After viewing the racist rant on a London tram on youtube, my blood boiled so much for her incredibly disgusting remarks against immigrants. How intolerant are you? What is this? People, despite having education are still so xenophobic in nature and that just scares me. Why can't everyone be accepting of everyone else? What's so disgusting about making friends with other races? It's what enriches our lives.

Yet as I watch that video, I can't help but think of Australia. There are still so many racial divides in society and that despite all the 'we are one, but we are many' songs that we had to sing in primary school and what not, there are still subclans of ethnic minorities in existence that aren't integrated to society. Racism makes me sick to the core and I just wish that people weren't so ignorant and so xenophobic. Effective education from a young age is crucial to overcome these ignorant views...but I have a feeling that achieving harmony and acceptance between everyone of all races will be something that won't happen in the near future...particularly in my life time.

And what's most funny is that...well, today I went to Paddy's Markets with my sister and her boyfriend just for kicks...just to walk around and what not. We walked past a few Caucasian young boys who didn't seem to be Sydneysiders...perhaps country boys going into the city for the day or something. They walked past us and after that I heard mockingly, 'bart-tar-flai', spoken in an accent. I suppose they were mocking our ethnicity and at that instance I really wanted to go up to them and remark that they had no right to mock us. We speak perfectly fine English and grew up here. I am as every bit Australian as you are. But alas, I didn't do a thing and walked off..

Sometimes I wonder why racism exists? Especially amongst western countries. Isn't it ironic that those in Asian countries receive westerners with such warm welcomes? What's even more bizarre is that whenever an Asian shopkeeper sees them, they treat them with an elevated level of respect and even a more welcoming stance... I just don't get why sometimes none of this is reciprocated...especially in Cronulla. Ha. I've not been there in ages...don't plan to either. I can't take racism, it makes me incredibly aggravated and then become passionate to eliminate it. I want to eliminate it to be honest....I hope there's a way.

Jacaranda Bloom

Jungle

Tonight is one of those nights when I have exhausted everything to do and watch on the internet and those that are on my hard drive. I just don't feel like it despite having an excessive overload of tv shows and movies to watch. I started watching 'Community' and I quite like it, however, I feel no motivation to finish a fair few episodes.

The holidays do something strange to me. Perhaps its the lack of preoccupation and a lack of direction in knowing what to do with my sudden increase in time. During the semester, it seemed that watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother was way more luring than studying away for say anatomy or neuroscience. But right now, I don't feel like that either. I feel like I am becoming a recluse to say the very least.

I have talked to friends...by means of digital communication as of late...as in these few days. I had gone out with other friends on the first few days of holidays but that was a while ago. I suppose I feel somewhat bored and lack of human interaction (excluding family members) is starting to take its toll.

I guess I should have blogged about how I felt with regard to finishing the first year of uni ever. Fast. That's one of the key words I must use to describe the year. It was just fast and a new experience as a whole. I met so many friends for life and I can clearly remember all those times loathing how far away Lidcombe campus is away from home, rendering its inaccessibility and how desolate university felt at times. But time flies, things change and my vitriol for the campus manifested to a tough love sort of thing. I grew attached to Lidcombe and those commutes every morning and every afternoon soon became enjoyable experiences. As soon as I jumped on the train and said goodbye to every classmate, I had time to think and just reflect about life, it was relaxing. I must seem very repetitive because I have written about the growth in friendships amongst my uni mates and I, but having friends who are all nice and genuine is a wonderful feeling. I guess I had only become to feel like I could trust anyone in semester 2...as in Sem 1 I was a girl who was just afraid. But ever since then, uni has become a great new adventure. Those 'you had to be there'/'inside jokes' have started to manifest and I am confident there are soon to be many more.

Anyway, enough about university and all that. I feel like I have grown a lifetime this year. The whole block of high school is...petty compared in a way. Sure I may have hit puberty then (still am ridden with puberty blues ala acne on my face as of now) but growing up and maturing mentally did not exactly correlate to physical changes in duration.

Something has been plaguing my mind for a while. It's a really complicated situation, something that is not right on my behalf. Am I giving any hints? I'll be going out tomorrow...perhaps I can sort things out by sharing my matters with some close friends. It's getting a little overwhelming right now....just dealing with this myself. =\

Air

Air by Snakadaktal.

This song is so sublime and beautiful, I can't stop listening to it.

Her voice is very strange, kinda whingey yet addictive to listen to. The song itself is composed brilliantly anyway. Really seeing great stuff for this Unearthed band. Wow.

And today is 11/11/11. What an awesome number. Did everyone make a wish at 11:11? What's even weirder is that I forever have 11:11am immortalised on a bus travel ticket. Interesting...maybe.

Rainy Day.

It rained a lot today. That photo above is not mine though. 

I remember exactly a year ago today...it rained a crap load. I think I went out to karaoke with some school friends, we had planned this outing ages ago as well...before the HSC even started. Anyhow, it was a hot hot day in the morning...yet as I caught the train home, the sky started to pour. I ran in the rain with my flats and stepped on puddles of dirty water and hence, contracted a damn foot infection which was rather annoying. Funny how it's all still so vivid in my mind. Because the more I think about it, the more I actually remember...unlike what usually happens with memory deterioration.

I'll be doing my first exam tomorrow. I feel okay about it and I hope I know everything that is presented to me. Guess I shouldn't be blogging eh? But I can't resist it. 

Thinking about it, semester 2 went by really quickly. Have I typed this out already? I feel like I have but I don't know. But I guess the main reason why sem flew by was really because of the amount of fun I had. I got a whole lot closer to my uni friends and learnt more and more about such people I hang around with. I have a few friends which I am especially close to and I am grateful for that. However, like myself a few of them want to pursue other studies, not physiotherapy. So I don't know whether or not I will be farewelling them in the future and if so, it would be a shame. But I wish them well in all their endeavours. 

Leaf House

Exams are creeping up so soon and I wish I could say I was exceptionally prepared but that is not the case unfortunately. Lately I've been thinking about the future and what will become of my life in the most realistic sense. There is a part of me who still wants to pursue medicine but if I want to keep my feet on the ground and not stretch my imagination too far, I think in the end I'll still become a physiotherapist.

Today we went to Bardwell Valley Golf Club for dinner. The food was quite nice and golf course that the club overlooked was amazing. And that led me thinking back to the time when I was in the Hunter with my uni mates during sem 1 break. Being there at that moment felt something like being able to flee away form the bustles of the city lifestyle and just simply being able to relax amongst nature, which I really liked. So I thought about the future as I sipped my schooner of beer...maybe if I do really become a physio, maybe one day I'll end up leaving the city in search of somewhere regional/rural and be amongst trees and all the like. The other dream is to live in the UK and work as a physio there...but that's also stretching it far and plus, physios in UK earn less than those in Australia. Ah. well.

There's really no point to this post...other than the sheer fact that one day I want to be out of Sydney. To where, I don't know at this moment. Be it somewhere rural or even the UK, I'll welcome any change with open arms.