Sometimes you wake up.
And you feel like death.

Summertime Sadness.

It's the 3rd week back at uni and yet I can't really register it because my mind is always elsewhere, like it has always been for the past year anyway. Oddly enough, education has dropped off my list of priorities. Yes, there are times when I'm just wishing that I could go the further extent of learning everything at uni but these days, living in a fantasy world just seems more ideal. 

I'm still making mistakes these days. I know the right answers as to what to do with a particular person but attachment, that's something I can't shake nor skirt around. It hurts because I know I'm just killing myself, making myself stuck in this never ending loop of self pitying. 

I nearly told him. Somewhat like a confession about every-fucking-thing that has been plaguing my mind and how I really don't know what else to do anymore. But I didn't because I was too afraid of the repercussions. Was it too early? When is the right time to tell someone anything about them...?

I'm tired.

Movies

I watched The Dark Knight Rises again at the cinemas for a 2nd time. The first occasion was on my actual birthday where I really couldn't think of anything better to do other than by watching TDKR and seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt on the screens.

The movie simply blew me away and is easily one of the best movies I have seen all year, taking into consideration that I do believe I have seen quite many to count. This year is truly a year of comic book films, hailing with the ever so popular The Avengers that kicked started it all.. Then it was The Amazing Spiderman which in my opinion was absolutely subpar, there was absolutely no magic in the film except it being a teen romance flick that included elements of superheroes within it. And the Avengers, despite really liking it at the time I watched it, upon reevalation, it was good for it being so lighthearted but ... in comparison to TDKR, it was just lacking.

So because I was simply so taken aback by Christopher Nolan's epic conclusion to the Batman trilogy, I saw it again by myself. Yes, by myself...in the cinemas. Perhaps I should really stop doing things myself because in all honesty, it just simply suggests elements of being forever alone. But fuck it, it was Batman and upon viewing it the second time, I think I am seriously becoming more and more obsessed with this epic piece of work. I am just so drawn to this world of film making and seriously wish I could spend my life watching films forever. Chris Nolan's statement upon the Colorado shootings talking about how the theatre is a sacred place, where dreams are projected upon the screen seemed rather outlandish at first...but now in the state that I am where I am just so amazed by all the movies I have seen, I finally get it. The world of movies is just so fascinating...whether it being watching the deterioration of someone's relationship in (500) Days of Summer to the fantastical dream world of Inception or reaching out to the craziness that is Blade Runner...I just fucking love movies.

Movies serve as a solace to some place else... In a world where things don't seem to working out in my life, I live everything through the films I watch nowadays. Perhaps that is a form of therapy in the form of escapism from mundane real life.

And then I also am listening to the OST. All these feels. FUCK! I love movies.

Also, a fuck you to those people who only really talk to me because they are bored and fucking requesting for something. What I feel is that I have perhaps most likely been led on to no end because I am a girl who simply feels too much about everything and can easily misinterpret subtle signs of flirting as real interest. Stop being so fucking naive and get a move on with life. Yeah.

This city's here for you.

I have not heard anything so moving and touching in such a long time. This song is reminiscent of something I have heard before...but cannot really verbalise what. But all I know is that I adore this song and I can't stop listening to it.

Bloc Party are back! And I am squealing like I massive fan girl...

And hey, it's August already. How did this happen?
No idea.

imagery......

I roll the window down

And then begin to breathe in

The darkest country road

And the strong scent of evergreen

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

Then looking upwards

I strain my eyes

And try to tell the difference

Between shooting stars and satellites

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

"Do they collide?"

I ask and you smile

With my feet on the dash

The world doesn't matter

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

When you need directions then I'll be the guide

For all time

For all time

no it's not alright, regina.

Bipolar. 

If 2012 was to end now, that's what I would say about the year. I need to know how to help myself by keeping calm and knowing how to stay sane in a world that is proving more and more complex than the one I was used to. I love my friends, I really do. And it warms me to such an amazing degree to know that they care about me whenever I am down or experiencing problems that I have had ever since the beginning of the year. But today I got thinking and realise that I am truly stepping into near adulthood. I'm expected to know better than this, that the sugar coating of all situations that happened in my younger years are never present anymore. Every day is a hardcore tumble of brutal realities that you must face with advice that are direct and straight to the point, because your friends don't want to see you suffering. When it hurts to hear, you know its right. 

It has been seven months ever since I started to feel anything for anyone. Seven months ever since I thought that 2012 may hail some new beginnings. I remember asking myself...Will this be the year? Will I start living? What will I feel by the end of the year? 

I have started to live but living something I didn't anticipate. It has been a year filled with extreme emotions oscillating from extreme happiness to terrible downs that I do not know how to deal with. Sometimes you think life will bring you the good stuff that you just hope it wil stay that way forever, but life is never that simple m'darling. I believe thats what you call being naive.  

If there is anything I know...it's that I may be brilliant at performing well in academic conditions, perhaps a great conversationalist even...but absolutely hopeless in picking up that I have been led on to no end and completely naive in believing that simple actions could be misinterpreted as romantic gestures. I hate myself. I really do. Because believe it or not, ever since I was a young girl, all that really fascinated me were just my crushes on random boys in my classes...and in high school, that's all I'd daydream about. I suppose every teenage girl does that but I have always been too fucking shy to admit that I have ever liked anyone. Cause I'll get stares, laughs and just dismissals as being too trivial. I need to braver and more fearless. Because these days, it just feels like I'm trying to avoid sinking into the void of nothing. 

And what I have learnt in 2012 is that I am highly sensitive and highly emotional. That everything in my world revolves around feeling. . . Why is it that I am so obsessed with something that feels like it has never been there? I don't know darling, I don't know. 

Falling...and falling.

I keep on falling .

18 - 19

Tomorrow will be my 19th. Today/Tonight will be a party that I am throwing for it. I'm nervous, I haven't really done this and it's way out of my comfort zone. The reason for why I am having it is rather  stupid as well. Because if the year didn't eventuate the way it did, I would just simply be having a quiet day at home.

How much does a year change things? A lot. Perhaps not change. But time brings about new things into life and circumstances change. Maybe you meet new people and lose some along the way.

I can't seem to write anymore. I used to have so much to write but maybe it's because these days I just tell myself to stop overthinking to the point that it seems like trying to write every thought down is simply futile. But that doesn't mean I'm okay either. Coping. Is that the right word for anything? Or is that the right attitude for anything? No. But it gets you on with life so why not?