XI

Goodbye 2011.

2011, you've been a gigantic year. I was so busy throughout most of it that the whole year just went by and caught me unawares. On the bigger scale, 2011 has seen some of the most moving revolutions that went to succession and at other darker times, 2011 saw some of the most atrocious natural disasters in history. It was a year of change and there's no denying it.

And in my world, things did change. I went to uni, I made new friends and I think I grew up. I thought I was pretty well grown up coming out of high school but as I sit here and look back at myself and the many things I did last year, I've grown a shitload. You can say that in high school I was always so insecure and there were times when I was just stuck in my mind. I didn't totally fit in with everyone there...but then came 2011, a new beginning in terms of making new friends. I thought 'fuck it, I am going to be myself' and that came off well. I feel happy, as if I am true to myself.

Honestly, a new year really means a new way of writing the year in exercise books sometimes. And tomorrow I am going to wake up the same way, feeling the same as I did the day before... But what is most significant about stepping into the new year is the new start that can happen...like wiping to a clean state or something. Nevertheless, here's to 2012 and a new chapter in life. I don't know what I'll see in 2012 but I'm hoping I'll grow and seize every moment so that I may look back with fondness as I am doing so right now on 2011, despite it being such a confronting year.

Happy New Year. xx

Hello.

As I am not preoccupied with anything lately, my mind has been wandering off to places and I live everyday without looking at the calendar. It only really dawned on me now that 2011 is on its end soon. It's hard to believe because I can remember that exact moment when we stepped into 2011 and farewelled 2010, another unforgettable year ... (I was in London too...ha)

If I look back at the year...like I look at a timeline, this year would feel so massive and long, in the sense that so many things happened yet I lived through everyday and tried to seize all the chances that were presented before me. January flew by like a blur as I was enjoying my time in the UK and Hong Kong. February was spent in Sydney and feeling the blues as I was reluctant to realise that I was growing up and heading into uni. March was spent loathing my course and feeling somewhat lonesome and hopeless at the rate my friendships were developing at uni. April was cold, so was May... June was spent revising and realising that there was an incredibly hot guy in my tutorial group. July was fun and my birthday. August was study. So was September...October...what was that? November was study/relax/meet up. December was spent in Sydney, doing nothing.

And where did the whole year go? Just like that, the whole year just passed by...like it bypassed me or something. It's late at night and my writing ability is on the decline.

I've been rereading my posts on this blog. It's amazing how much clarity I can remember most events by. The thing that gets me about memories is just that I can go back to the mindset before and feel what I felt at that moment. And then I become overwhelmed because sometimes these memories are so good that I just want to be there and experience them all over again. But I have to learn to let go of the past and move on the future. I'm learning, trust me I am. But it will take it's time as I take baby steps to not think about the past as often as I usually do. Sentimental at heart...that's me.

2012 is on it's way. Very soon

And soon....in the blink of the eye, I'll be 50.

Recently.

1. Merry Christmas

2. Went to the Tea Salon at Pitt St Mall with Cortney on Thursday. Twas a lovely outing and I am sure I must have plastered the interweb with these pictures.  But I frankly quite like them because the colours turned out quite nice using the app I recently downloaded.

From the faun forever gone.

Towers.

Shake It Out

Lately I've been having so much down time by myself. Despite having friends that want to meet up, I choose not to because I just like to spend time dwelling in my thoughts...which of course, is not a good thing. But I've got to spend quality time with my family especially my parents and just see that my life isn't really unworthy, that despite so many failures that have seemingly inundated my present life....at least I still have life to live for. 

After receiving my end of sem results, I have started to doubt myself. I'm doubting whether or not physiotherapy is the right course for me, yet again and the incredible want to do medicine started to cloud my mind again. Sometimes, I wish I did medicine so that I would be on track to do what I want to do...I am interested in the brain and hence I want to be a psychiatrist. There's so much to learn about mental illnesses and the excessive stigma associated with having any such disease is just terribly unfortunate. Nevertheless, what I really want to articulate here is that my atrocious UMAT results really bothered me. Despite thinking that I was over it and that I could accept it and move on, I did not know that my disappointment was deeply embedded within my subconscious, that I could not move on so easily and that I was still stuck in a rut. These feelings resurfaced as soon as my results were released. At first, I was ecstatic that my anatomy results were much better than those I had in semester 1 and thereby, relief was all I felt. But then as it sunk in, I started to worry about my GPA and then I realised I still had my mind on medicine. Somehow, I am still treating my course as a leaping pad for a career in medicine. I still want it so much. 

So I broke down in my mind and started to lose it. I couldn't think and I just couldn't see anyway out. It was terrible. But upon reevaluation, I could see my flaw. I have spent too much time being overly confident about something I had no control over and that hurt. The UMAT remains as my biggest obstacle right now. I have also spent time wishing that some miracle can happen that perhaps my mind will become something better than what it is right now. And that's another flaw: Wishing or praying. To be practical, all that wishing + praying ever does is just to calm your mind and feel a false sense of security, as if there were really angels in the magnificent sky above answering your wishes and granting everything to you. There isn't and I am afraid that if no action occurs, nothing will eventuate. That's life, so don't expect money to rain all over when you wish upon a shooting star. 

In the end, life is what you make of it. If you don't try hard, you won't get results. They say UMAT is a test you cannot study for. But I'm the type of person who knows that by not studying, I cannot get anything out of it. So I will. And I will become a doctor in the end no matter how hard it is going to be. It may be a long road ahead, a road full of unknowns but someone of incredible wisdom in history once said, 'When there's a will, there's a way'. 2012 will see a different person in me, I will endure to live in the present and look to the future. The past is always a great source of comfort but there is no use dwelling upon it. Life is what we make of it. It's the best wisdom I can ever say to anyone and I will grasp it all. I will be your doctor. That's my promise. 

Red Lights

Today I've been reminiscing about my visit to the UK. It's been nearly a year since I stepped off the plane and landed into Heathrow Airport and was absolutely amazed by all the sites I saw (of which were previously only observed via digital means). I can remember that initial landing where I was just so excited to finally see London. I have dreamed of going there since forever...well, perhaps since 2007 as it was the time when I fell in love with Mod 60s style (I still want to be a mod sometimes). Nevertheless, my uncle and aunty picked us up and we drove through the city and it was early in the morning...so it seemed as though the world was still asleep. It was also deep into winter the day we arrived so even though it was 7:30am on the clock, the world was all dark. I was terribly tired in the car with my body being so confused as to where it was. From departing a bright, sunny and hot Sydney we were suddenly in a climate where it was cool and the sun set at 4:00pm. But upon first glance at London town....I was immediately head over heels in love. Thinking about that first ever scene of the Thames River still gives me tingles. Some early morning joggers were also by the river, living life as they knew it. But to me, a Sydneysider who regards 15 degrees as cold was just so... wow, I don't even have the words to describe what I felt...But I was just amazed. 

Fast forward to a week into England and we had already visited a few places. One trip I will never forget is our trip back from Bristol to London, via Yatminster, a country town. We went on a detour there to visit my dad's friend who resides in this lovely cul-de-sac within this lovely village that is even smaller than Yatminster. Where he lived was quintessentially village lifestyle, with a local pub down the road and other villages connected by just one narrow road. We had dinner at the Chetnole Inn, a place where I will never forget and always yearn to go back to because of the amazing food they serve. I had bangers and mash with an amazingly delicious entree and side...Honestly the best pub food I have ever had in my life. 

Anyway, we had to drive back from Yatminster to suburban London...and it was quite late at night. We bought dad a coffee from the local petrol station and thus began perhaps the longest drive of his life. We were all exhausted and just flat out. The silly me also didn't remember to charge my iPod so I was just hanging onto its short life. Nevertheless, we drove through the countryside roads where there were minimal lights. I remember breathing onto the car windows and watching the world outside past by. There were some occasional lights outside which perhaps belonged to farm houses...everything was just so fantastically peaceful. My iPod was on shuffle so Delphic's Red Lights came on. We drove into the highways and as I watched outside, Red Lights was on full blast. And now whenever I hear this song, I can't help but think of the highways in England... 

Dad was so tired from the drive that approximately an hour away from home, we stopped by the side of the road to take a rest. Everyone in the car was asleep and we were cold and my brother and I huddled together. I had already taken a few naps and hence, watched the cars outside whizz by and turned up Delphic's music even louder. UK - I miss you.

My incredible nostalgia may be too much to handle. But I think these few days I'll be posting about my visits. I want to remember as much detail as possible. 

Aggravated

I get so aggravated whenever I view something that is deeply rooted in xenophobia online where people lash out horrible remarks against others. After viewing the racist rant on a London tram on youtube, my blood boiled so much for her incredibly disgusting remarks against immigrants. How intolerant are you? What is this? People, despite having education are still so xenophobic in nature and that just scares me. Why can't everyone be accepting of everyone else? What's so disgusting about making friends with other races? It's what enriches our lives.

Yet as I watch that video, I can't help but think of Australia. There are still so many racial divides in society and that despite all the 'we are one, but we are many' songs that we had to sing in primary school and what not, there are still subclans of ethnic minorities in existence that aren't integrated to society. Racism makes me sick to the core and I just wish that people weren't so ignorant and so xenophobic. Effective education from a young age is crucial to overcome these ignorant views...but I have a feeling that achieving harmony and acceptance between everyone of all races will be something that won't happen in the near future...particularly in my life time.

And what's most funny is that...well, today I went to Paddy's Markets with my sister and her boyfriend just for kicks...just to walk around and what not. We walked past a few Caucasian young boys who didn't seem to be Sydneysiders...perhaps country boys going into the city for the day or something. They walked past us and after that I heard mockingly, 'bart-tar-flai', spoken in an accent. I suppose they were mocking our ethnicity and at that instance I really wanted to go up to them and remark that they had no right to mock us. We speak perfectly fine English and grew up here. I am as every bit Australian as you are. But alas, I didn't do a thing and walked off..

Sometimes I wonder why racism exists? Especially amongst western countries. Isn't it ironic that those in Asian countries receive westerners with such warm welcomes? What's even more bizarre is that whenever an Asian shopkeeper sees them, they treat them with an elevated level of respect and even a more welcoming stance... I just don't get why sometimes none of this is reciprocated...especially in Cronulla. Ha. I've not been there in ages...don't plan to either. I can't take racism, it makes me incredibly aggravated and then become passionate to eliminate it. I want to eliminate it to be honest....I hope there's a way.