Not a ramble post.

I went to eat at Newtown with Kelly last Friday. Went to Corridor Bar. It's really pretty.
I look very thrilled. Well, that's cause I was. Catching up is nice. And now I am home on a Friday night finishing up notes. What a life.
I played Oztag. We lost 6 - 8. Taking into consideration that girls score 2 points whenever they try. Haha... I didn't try...only tagged.
I got stressed on Wednesday night upon realising how much I had to do.
I caught the train and fell up the stairs at Hurstville. I was very embarrassed but it was okay.
I went to General Pants Co. and bought a pair of jeans. Why the fuck? Don't know. Don't ask me why. I just felt like spending money. And now I think I should return them cause I don't think they are worth the amount I paid for them.
Also felt really glum today. Yep. No random rambling reasoning why though. It's all a lil bit shitty. As always.
I ate Noggi and Wowcow. Both are good. I want froyo. They say its the new craze, kinda is. It's creamy and delicious. Yep.

Augustine.

You know what? I think people tend to settle for mediocrity because it's easy. It's not bad nor is it any good so we just choose the easiest way out and just accept for what it is. 

I've always been a person who believed in passion, follow your heart and do not give in to what others say you cannot do, because this is your life and if you don't believe, who else is gonna help you? No one. But lately, mediocrity has got to me in the sense that I am starting to budge into whatever is easiest and that I've been losing that inspiration I had with life before. I don't know, does it mean I am growing up? Growing up to realising that life really doesn't behave the way you want it to sometimes and therefore, you just learn to accept whatever you have and move on with life. 

Sometimes, I don't feel as much anymore. I really don't hope to sound like the biggest drama queen...but in all honesty, as of late, I've been disappointed repeatedly, it just never seems to stop ending. The amount of disappointments and bad things just outweigh the good immensely and then I start to resolve that it must be me that is the problem. Well, what other problem could it be? Because it is my life that I am living and all the choices that I make are inevitably going to influence it in one way or another. There are also times when I just wish I was another person for once, maybe like a normal Asian girl or something. That sounds selfish because everyone has their own problems and there goes the saying where if we all chucked our problems into one pile, we'd take them all back. True. But it'd be nice to take a break from these problems we all had and see things from another perspective. That's the poison of the mind, we're all individuals and hence, we can never see the other way out as easily as others can. 

I am still resenting technology. I have been quite extreme with it all to be quite frank. I wish I never yearned for an iPhone because I just hate technology with so much of a passion, it's destroying all meaningful relationships and everything good about life. It disgusts me how hopelessly I am addicted to technology, to my iPhone even because I am just so yearning to be connected to everyone. And yet ironically, I feel disconnected because of this connection. Annoying. 

Irony

How ironic is it that with technology we are so connected yet even more isolated at the very moment?There are sometimes these impulses that I have with looking at my phone. And when I see no notifications, I feel a little sunken, perhaps a little annoyed even. With the onslaught of technological applications, it's inevitable that we yearn to be connected to the people around us. But what if we're just too connected that it somehow becomes overwhelming even? Yeah, I think that actually happens. Sometimes I just wish I could turn off my phone or maybe purposely leave it at home one day...but then the consequences of it are not ideal. My mother would freak out, not knowing where I was and if I simply just turn off my phone...I can't simply do my assignment because my uni mates cannot find me. I tried deleting facebook for a few days but that didn't work out in the long run because the primary means of contacting my uni friends was via facebook for our assignment. It just seems that the dependence on technology has resulted it being so hard to actually stop using it. We're simply addicted to these services, that it has become ingrained to our subconscious...we're just slaves to networking.

Sometimes I wish I could just flee away from networking, drop all connections that I have with everyone whom I currently talk to on all these platforms and ignore. It's just that despite the connection, there are those highly useful tools of allowing you to detect that you are indeed being isolated despite having the conversation flow with them. Like Whatsapp, you can see when the contact was last online and thenceforth, you can assume when they've read your stuff. In most cases, it's really nothing but there's this element of paranoia where you think you are being ignored. It could be true anyway. And then comes facebook...it's terribly hard to evade checking facebook... I think the more you go on, the more you feel isolated because you just observe pictures of others going about with their lives and you wonder what you are doing on a Friday, clicking through all their pictures. Doesn't seem very inviting innit?

Technology is a great and a bad thing. It's hard to know what stance I take. I love it because it has helped us learn more about the world and have luxuries our ancestors could only ever dream of. And yet, it has helped tarnish the sentimentality of written correspondence, be it letters or just simple notes. Letter writing has dropped off the radar...only the romantics think of it nowadays. I still have high regard for writing and I honestly wish I could...but I just don't know who to. I still have that pack of brown envelopes sitting in my drawer. It's unused and I desperately wish there was someone to mail. I remember watching Midnight in Paris and that the main message in that film is that we will always fantasise a different era as the very best. We need to live in the present though, because that's what we're presented with. But it's hard to think about those days when lovers used to send each other letters...waiting by the letterbox and ripping open the letter one had been yearning for days. What a feeling it must've been.

If I ever get a chance, I'll write...hopefully to someone who is worthy of it. Yah, that's me edging intense cheesiness and romantic-ness. Bugger, my English is declining exponentially. Nevertheless, I wonder who it will be. And I can only hope that they'd do the same. I think the world is lacking romance nowadays. Cliche complaints, but look at pop culture. Is there anything blowing us away with the incredible romance there is? Not really. I mean...srsly, look at our music. *shrugs* That's why as of late, I have had such urges to read Jane Austen and rewatch Pride + Prejudice... What sentimentality.

This post is written terribly...sorry. xx

Life is unreal.

I went to Hurstville today, after not going there for ages. It's not the school holidays anymore, all the kids are back at school. It's so strange watching them, thinking they are all so old and stuff - that they are simply really mature. Looking back to when I was in year 12, I was honestly still rather timid. Those who didn't know me from school probably thought I was weird, something which I do acknowledge. To be honest, being weird and random is somewhat a defence mechanism for me, just something to hide behind because I am terribly shy. Do you know I'm shy? Well, there you have it, I am actually really shy to the point that I become someone I am not just to but on a facade that makes me seem stronger than usual. But dear blog reader, I'm feeling so honest tonight because I feel like I have nothing left, nothing to lose and so that's why I am writing this shit that no-one will really care about.

If I could choose again, I would choose everything differently and follow my heart. My outlook on life was always just to live it as full as possible because I had nothing holding me back. But then came senior years where the aspirations of others got to me and I was lured into the health field, having utmost desires to become a doctor. Till this very day, I still want it a lot but then I wonder if I had never thought of it this way, will I be doing physiotherapy now? Because in all honesty, I had never thought of medicine and the health field until I became inspired by someone I knew and therefore, started respecting them and what they did for which I thought they were truly inspirational. So if I could choose, I would tell younger me to stop being so persuaded by other's dreams and desires but to only follow what I truly believe in. 

High school days pass by so quickly. It's sometimes hard to realise that because you can only think of when it is all going to end. And it does. Nowadays I look back to high school with a certain sense of resistance and yet an overwhelming sense of bittersweet-ness. Is that even a word? I'm not sure. It's just that I realise how much St George had shaped me to be the person I am today...and I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I sometimes wonder if I chose another path...what if? What? What? Maybe I'd be different, a little happier really and perhaps well, maybe different. But choices define you. I wonder how big of a difference a choice I made in year 10 or 12 has impacted on me till this very day. It scares me to think how different my life could have been if I had done something a different way, perhaps even been less shy around people, especially boys. I don't know. 

Sometimes you just want to desperately be someone else because you are so sick of your own shoes. But then you must realise everyone has their own problems weighing them down. But I truly wonder why I am not like other girls, partying, loving life, being in their happy relationships, feeling pretty, looking girly, loving clubbing, buying short dresses, being skinny.... Honestly, sometimes I wish I was like that because at least it'd make me like other people and perhaps have different consequences happen because of that. 

I feel foolish to have crushed so hard on someone as of late. Clearly I still have so much to learn, that despite at one stage of my life when I felt invincible, as if I was incredibly mature....that in the end, I still have so many life lessons to learn. Life is only beginning, I wonder how many bad choices I have yet to make and how many times I will break my heart because I've crushed so hard - again and again. The first intense crush happened this year, it was crazy and made me go on highs and lows. But to be honest, I think this is all my fault...for I have been a believer that something good may happen and trusted that maybe this will be the first time that something real will happen. So it all lived in my head that instead of keeping my feet on the ground, my head was in the clouds. 

Oh Katie. Hopeless. 

hey i heard you were a wild one.

midsems have finally finished and goodness, that was a terrible week. well actually, lately things have been terrible but i'm coping cause that's life eh?

my music tastes have deviated a bit from the usual form...i've taken quite a liking to the stuff that is often heard on radio in particular flo rida's wild one ft sia. it's splendid and sia's voice is just achingly beautiful. and what else? well, today i realised that the word 'ache' is one of my faves cause it just encapsulates a shitload of emotion into one simple word...'ache'. looking at it makes me want to ache already. saying it makes me want to break as well. 

well, from what happened around 2 weeks ago, i think i'm okay. i'm still living, surviving and being me. i just have to learn to not be so affected by external things but simply just take life as it is. because life is truly unpredictable and nothing will ever go to plan if you plan yourself to death. well, certainly not in my situation. 

i have got to learn to stop being so goddamn naive and immature in thinking optimistically. do you know why i am a realist? simply because being optimistic gives false hope and too much of that will inevitably lead to utter disappointment. it's better to sever false hope before it gets you down so you won't be left so fking dry. i feel dry. yeah. yep yep....... gosh i promised myself that none of this shit will get to me but it is doing so. gahhhhhhhh... T_T

this is another pointless post for ignoring. yep. sorry.

High and Dry

Two jumps in a week I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?

There comes a point when you're just so exhausted emotionally that you realise that you cannot be bothered with the things that once made you elated. Because you lose hope and well, lose faith in people as well and realise that some things were simply in vain. Mm yes, I've been a fool lately. High and Dry is my song choice in such situations. Cause yeah, 'don't leave me high, don't leave me dry'... Indeed. Don't leave me feeling so high above the world and don't just drain me, leaving me dry? Actually, what I truly feel right now is just dryness. Apathy. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to give a fuck.

I think that's the saddest part of anything. When you just don't want to give a fuck. Cause you just give up.

Quequ'un M'a Dit

Carly Rae Jepsen has one thing in common with Carla Bruni...and that is the first three letters of their names. Whenever I feel like listening to Carly's ridiculously catchy Call Me Maybe, I type in Car in my iTunes and every single time, Carla Bruni's Quequ'un M'a Dit sits above her song and reminds me to opt and listen to her beautiful song instead. There's something about that song that despite not even understanding the lyrical content, I still get chills because I think the emotion is there and her voice is just so delicately angelic.

Hrm. . .

nothin =\

I'm a bit of an idiot.

Autumnal Chill

It may sound really odd....but once the weather stepped into its cooler form, it seems like everything is now instantly better. For lack of better words, I fucking love autumn. It is seriously the best season out because everything seems so mellow. The sun shines yet the air is crisp and cool, exactly how I love it. I don't ever want this season to end...can everyday just be like today (as in weather-like)? And you know what is even better? Listening to The National in this splendid weather. I AM IN FUCKING BLISS. 

Anyway, I bought a pair of Vans shoes today and the earphones I ordered online finally came in the mail. I never ever want to take them off. The music quality is so lush, the bass pulsating and everything just sounds better. I love how atmospheric the music is in my ears and I just want to live in the melodies forever. One of my best purchases ever....

And because everyone is doing it, here are just two photos that I took with hipstamatic. Haha, I don't know, I just can't seem to get into instagram. And facebook acquired instagram as well! Odd.

Hi Midsems.

I have revamped my blog...well just a bit because I was getting really sick of the old colour scheme. So now it's just black and white whilst the highlighting of the text isn't girly anymore but instead of a really lovely lavender-ish colour.

Mid-sem break came early this year though I suppose it's now because the uni wants it to coincide with the Easter holiday. Since I get on and off at Lidcombe everyday, I see a lot of those promos and signs for the Easter show and when it opened yesterday, there were flocks of people that caught the train to the shows. Naturally, I got rather jealous because I really want to go this year for some unknown reason. Perhaps its because I just want to retreat elsewhere and well, do something spontaneous. But all in all, I think lately I've been okay. It helps to have great friends to talk to.

Overthinking is a terrible thing to do but I guess you have to learn how to stop thinking and just let whatever flows and happens, happen. That way you don't drain yourself emotionally. I'm not necessarily talking about negative experiences either but those positive ones that fuel your happiness, elating you into euphoria. So as of late, I'm working on block out excessive thoughts in my mind. I'll see how that eventuates.

Thoughts

So I was listening to Snow Patrol on the train and then I was brought back to 2006, as you always do with songs. Then I just thought about all the good times that happened in that time and how easily 6 years have elapsed. It's rather frightening if you give more thought to it because wow...who could've believed it was seriously 6 years ago. Nevertheless, as I thought more about I realised that perhaps I should concentrate on this year that is 2012 and make new memories for years to come by...

Anyway, I'll continue this later. In the library..and I have class.

you're a little late, i'm already torn.

I guess in life you have ups and downs inevitably, that's what makes life so unreal isn't it?
Anyway, uni is going to start in two weeks. It's kinda hard to swallow that realisation because well, the holidays have literally flown by. I can recall that moment when we finished the neuroscience test and we were just so bloody ecstatic. I thought, 'ah! the start of a new fresh batch of holidays, going to do so much!' And in the end, I didn't do too much but I guess these holidays have been memorable and I'm grateful for the ups and downs (despite my incessant complaining). I guess I am just thankful for being to live through it all, feel pain and feel ecstasy.

Whoever is reading this, I hope the year thus far has been good for you.

I'm going to see Death Cab for Cutie at the Enmore on Saturday, straight after work. In a way, I think I am just insane because I'm always so knackered after work. I seriously work like a machine...despite my sis' bf proclaiming that he just sees me walking around the aisles. I am actually checking stock, woman! Ha, I hope DCFC will be good live though seeing their live videos on youtube affirms that seeing them wouldn't be a mistake.

you're giving me the coldest stare

why don't we turn the leaf...?
I've been working for the past two days and wow, working does drain every ounce of energy out of you indeed. Anyway, it's always good when you are preoccupied as if its not busy, time really flies by so slowly and then you get hungry as well.

Anyway, I left my temporary staff card somewhere in the store yesterday and thought, welp, that's the end of that one! So I go into work today, using a newly printed off one and the night time security guard who is rather old yet awesomely cool comes up to find me and exclaims, 'Katie! I have something to give you!' I was rather curious as to what it was that he wanted to give me and then he hands me back my temporary card, all cut and secured onto a cardboard piece he found at home and enclosed in one of those card sleeves. Honestly, I thought people would just chuck my card away if they found it but here he was just being so genuinely kind about helping people. This act of kindness made my day and I just felt so freaking happy after. Seriously...kindest man ever.

Times like these, I forget about all that I loathe and whine about. . . Like...well, yeah that. =\

Life is so strange + unexpected. I don't think we'd really understand much about our existence until the day when we are about to leave. They all say that your life flashes by your eyes the moment you die, but would you know? And how would you know? I don't think I'm morbid or emo as others call it...I think it's being realistic and thinking about what happens after death is eternally interesting. Cause let's face it, we're dead longer than we're alive. And perhaps that's why you must seize the day, because after all these years we sink into death and by not doing, regrets are inevitably going to be abound... It's easier said than done though, as in trying to seize every chance. Because with every chance, there's a gamble as things can either go one way or another. And like JGL in 500 days...reality + expectation is funny and most likely never align.

My ramble doesn't make sense. Fuck that.
i've seen london and i've seen sam's town....

Blargh #1

Been obsessed with Ellie Goulding's version of Elton John's Your Song for a while now. Both her vocals and the video are so beautiful. Videos like these make me wish I was in the UK because scenes of being stuck in the cold English countryside are just so calming and well, generally cathartic...

I kinda wish I knew more people who are into just chilling in some open plains or the rest, just stuff like that. Because I am so terribly sick of the city and I just want to flee to some place where the sun sets in the distance and the stars just illuminate the night sky. I think I dream too much.

Anyway....did you know the best way to not feel crap is to uphold a 'fuck this shiet' attitude? It really works well because a) you don't really care (or so you think you don't) and b) nothing can disappoint you cause you stop overthinking everything. yeah, lately i've been upholding the fuck thisssss bro attitude and what can I say? It makes life much simpler. HA. WTF IS THISSSSS
Interpol just came up on shuffle. It's been ages since I last listened to them. I reckon I shall binge on it ... yeah bru? Yeah.

Jump into the Fog

If I was a sculptor, but then again no.

Today is Chinese New year which I suppose is the Chinese equivalent of Christmas. This festivity is so important to the Chinese that it is quite interesting to watch everyone rush around preparing for the new year.

My time in Hong Kong is coming to an end after a week and a bit lounging around here, doing nothing in particular. In a way, I kinda want to go back to uni and at other times wish I was back to school. For some reason, when I am truly immersed into equations, I just stop thinking about other things that may be on my mind and find a sense of solace. Strange. Perhaps I should take out some maths to do whenever I feel down and just work my way through the calculus as a way of getting away from the world. Ugh. But honestly why are my posts always centered amongst self pitying. Fuck that shit.

It's pretty cold today. I haven't stepped out to such freezer like conditions in a while.
Oh hey. I just scratched an itch on my face and found another pimple. Fuck my acne. It is fucking horrible and a massive mood killer. Might as well just conceal everything because my acne seems to like to just simply hang around.....can't you just fucking disappear one day?

I'm so terribly bored here in hong kong. I really need to find something to do with my life. Perhaps I will go on 9gag. Or maybe I should just piss off and sleep forever. Bored.

Hey.

Sup?

How are you?


No I honestly mean it.
How are YOU?

I'm bored.

Everything that happens from now.

The Christmas tree and decorations are now taken down. The lead up to Christmas, both amongst my friends and commercially was quite large this year. It seemed as though it was the sole event everyone was looking forward to most. The interval between Christmas and New Years was also filled with that urgency of celebration, as if everyone just wanted to have fun. But what is most disappointing about this whole celebration season is how it ends so quickly. I guess that's why some people have post celebration blues.

Anyway.
Nothing to say here.

Halo

1. NYE was good. I chimed my sister's friend's party...I felt kinda bad because it seemed as though I was just leeching off...but in the end, it was a good experience/time. It's been ages since I last had a new years in Australia and to celebrate the arrival of the new year with people other than just simply immediate family was a new experience to remember
2. I went hiking with the same group of people (as referenced above) on the 1st. It was an immensely enjoyable trek in the bush and just being in touch with nature felt really good. Even though it was hot and tiring and everything uncomfortable, I still love hiking. I loved every moment of that trek along the coast and then to the beach. I'm not making much sense but it was a good one. 
3. 2012 is bound to bring in new memories. I hope they will be good ones. Perhaps things will change? Will people come into my life? Will others walk out? I don't know but I'm hopeful that maybe...someone will come into my life. Only time will tell. And heck, I'm being so ambiguous. Ha...

XI

Goodbye 2011.

2011, you've been a gigantic year. I was so busy throughout most of it that the whole year just went by and caught me unawares. On the bigger scale, 2011 has seen some of the most moving revolutions that went to succession and at other darker times, 2011 saw some of the most atrocious natural disasters in history. It was a year of change and there's no denying it.

And in my world, things did change. I went to uni, I made new friends and I think I grew up. I thought I was pretty well grown up coming out of high school but as I sit here and look back at myself and the many things I did last year, I've grown a shitload. You can say that in high school I was always so insecure and there were times when I was just stuck in my mind. I didn't totally fit in with everyone there...but then came 2011, a new beginning in terms of making new friends. I thought 'fuck it, I am going to be myself' and that came off well. I feel happy, as if I am true to myself.

Honestly, a new year really means a new way of writing the year in exercise books sometimes. And tomorrow I am going to wake up the same way, feeling the same as I did the day before... But what is most significant about stepping into the new year is the new start that can happen...like wiping to a clean state or something. Nevertheless, here's to 2012 and a new chapter in life. I don't know what I'll see in 2012 but I'm hoping I'll grow and seize every moment so that I may look back with fondness as I am doing so right now on 2011, despite it being such a confronting year.

Happy New Year. xx

The arrival of Holidays

These few days have been quite fun. It's the end of semester and the beginning of a month long holiday which is always the best. I finished my exams on Thursday at the ungodly hour of 6:00pm. I had two that day, one from 9:00 - 11:00am and the other 4:30pm to 6:00pm. Some friends of mine finished earlier since they were allocated times that were way earlier for the practical spot test. After exams, we went out as a uni group to Newtown to have Thai food. It was pleasant and my friend Cecilia tagged along. And after that, Cecilia and I went to see The Middle East at the Factory Theatre.

The Middle East were absolutely amazing live. The set was at its absolute minimum with barely any light or theatrics for the show but simply a few differently coloured lights and the band themselves. It was incredibly understated and there was nothing to focus on but the music itself. It was an intimate show, since it was at The Factory Theatre and the band sounded incredible live. They have such glorious vocal harmonies and are so talented at what they do. I've never actually been to an acoustically oriented concert and I thoroughly enjoyed the lack of moshing - pleasant. You know the band is exceptional when at the quietest and softest does no-one ever enunciate a word. That was with all the songs, nobody said a word. For a band to come out of Australia and in particular Townsville, The Middle East has a sound that is nothing short of worldly, ambitious and melodic. I have nothing but praise for such a young band and I sincerely hope they sell out shows at bigger venues like the Hordern in the very near future. And hearing the song 'Blood' live was one of the more memorable experiences. Will never forget that.

I went to my friend's 18th last night. I've never been to a house party in the garden so this was an interesting experience. I wasn't planning on drinking but the partying atmosphere was hard to resist and so I succumbed to having a few drinks. Ah, also had my first Smirnoff shot and that was quite horrible...Though I also had a shot of Malibu and another that was blue and very delicious. I topped that up with two beers. Being an inexperienced drinker, having so much alcohol for the very first time was rather confronting but luckily, I knew my limits and did not have another shot despite being coerced by friends who love shots... Haha, I was on the edge of tipsy/drunk-ish and to me, that was the most fun of all. I now understand why my dear friend Vivien has a long lasting love affair with alcohol... everything seems way funnier and you lose all your inhibitions and do whatever the fuck you want. And I'll be 18 soon anyway and I had achieved a rather shame aim of mine in my 'things to do in life' list....and that was to get tipsy/drunk when underage. One to cross out on the list. I'm really sober now though.