Augustine.

You know what? I think people tend to settle for mediocrity because it's easy. It's not bad nor is it any good so we just choose the easiest way out and just accept for what it is. 

I've always been a person who believed in passion, follow your heart and do not give in to what others say you cannot do, because this is your life and if you don't believe, who else is gonna help you? No one. But lately, mediocrity has got to me in the sense that I am starting to budge into whatever is easiest and that I've been losing that inspiration I had with life before. I don't know, does it mean I am growing up? Growing up to realising that life really doesn't behave the way you want it to sometimes and therefore, you just learn to accept whatever you have and move on with life. 

Sometimes, I don't feel as much anymore. I really don't hope to sound like the biggest drama queen...but in all honesty, as of late, I've been disappointed repeatedly, it just never seems to stop ending. The amount of disappointments and bad things just outweigh the good immensely and then I start to resolve that it must be me that is the problem. Well, what other problem could it be? Because it is my life that I am living and all the choices that I make are inevitably going to influence it in one way or another. There are also times when I just wish I was another person for once, maybe like a normal Asian girl or something. That sounds selfish because everyone has their own problems and there goes the saying where if we all chucked our problems into one pile, we'd take them all back. True. But it'd be nice to take a break from these problems we all had and see things from another perspective. That's the poison of the mind, we're all individuals and hence, we can never see the other way out as easily as others can. 

I am still resenting technology. I have been quite extreme with it all to be quite frank. I wish I never yearned for an iPhone because I just hate technology with so much of a passion, it's destroying all meaningful relationships and everything good about life. It disgusts me how hopelessly I am addicted to technology, to my iPhone even because I am just so yearning to be connected to everyone. And yet ironically, I feel disconnected because of this connection. Annoying. 

Clinical Placement

I just finished my week long clinical placement at a hospital. It was honestly what I needed, something inspiring to get me into physiotherapy and after this, I don't think I am going to regret my course...in fact, it has sparked new life into what I thought was dull and irrelevant.

This past week has been the best week in my university study life thus far. Every element of it was just so exciting and I got so many opportunities to learn new things and experience real patients. I will never forget this first week at the hospital ever because it also made me realise how much I just loved the hospital setting. The structure of everything and how all the disciplines work together to formulate rehabilitation plans was just amazing. I remember volunteering at the hospital in year 12, thinking that I really wanted to be in the hospital. I then thought that perhaps my intense want to work there must have just been a passing thing because it looked cool. But not only that, this placement reinforced just how much I love it out of my heart and I just don't see myself working anywhere else. The hospital is the place...so exciting. Ah, everything. .. I'm just so excited that I am in the health field, it is seriously one of the best fields to get into because you get so much job satisfaction from it. I could never do anything focused on financial gain because that is not what I want.

What was the best on this placement was simply how much joy can be found in seeing patients actually improved. I was sent to an inpatient rehab facility through which most of the patients had orthopaedic procedures performed. Most of these patients were in their late 80s and early 90s so naturally, their range of motions were reduced and muscles have weakened. By seeing their day to day improvement, you realise how imperative your role is in their rehabilitation... So, health it is.

Hunter Valley

Hunter Valley with uni mates.

27th to 29th June 2011

Perhaps

Perhaps the wide phenomenon known as the bitch face is pretty common.

I took the train with my uni mates as we finished our tute yesterday. We got onto the train and being quite tired, I didn't totally engage in much of a conversation, preferring to look at a pole and relax my facial muscles. Smiling all the time is way too tiring and from presenting a speech yesterday, I think my muscles deserved a break after all that.

Anyway, as I was gazing into the distance, perhaps being stuck in a daze or simply daydreaming, one of the girls suddenly asks me, 'is your face always like that?'

I always suspected that I probably do have the bitch face on, even when I'm not particularly annoyed or something but her question affirmed everything, I do have a bitch face. And then she proceeded to say, 'you look as if you're death staring the pole'. I wasn't. But I was tired. And I was bored so I just looked at a place where my eyes could take a rest.

So I know now...my facial muscles, when they're relaxed, cause my face to become a bitch face.

Honestly speaking though, I'd rather have a bitch face when I'm relaxed...so that people won't come to talk to me and also, I may look as if though I am busy and that I have a lot of important things to do....or what not. So yeah, having a bitch face is not a bad thing methinks. I think its funny. Now I can stare down and intimidate people. Fuck yes.

Stalking

So...after all these weeks at uni, I had a look around my body systems practical class...and found out that there was one insanely good looking guy in my class. I've been obsessed with finding out his name ever since...far out. It is so hard to 'stalk' him because I do NOT know his name nor the names of his friends either. That makes everything so much more difficult.

All I know is that he does two of my subjects and is probably doing a Bachelor of Health Sciences ... maybe. Goodness, WHAT'S YOUR NAME? Gah...Sem is already coming to an end too. I need to find out his name desperately... I can't ask either cause that's just weird.

I will not be satisfied until I learn this hot guy's name and thereby proceed to stalk him on facebook. The thing is, I have followed on the train once already....but I got off at Redfern whilst he continued on to...well, I have no idea.

But darn it, I need to know who this guy is.

DAMMMMM. Hottest guy on campus (to me at least =\ )

I wouldn't want to have it any other way.

Tonight I am feeling the blues. Things are playing up and I don't know what to do. Perhaps the best way to sum up what I'm feeling is - losing touch. I'm losing touch with life, with friendships, with the people I care about the most and most of all, myself. I don't know who I am or what I want. And here's a song that I love - Black Eyed Peas' Just Can't Get Enough. I suppose what made me fall head over heels for this tune is the music video. The paradox of Tokyo, chaos and utter isolation simultaneously is captured perfectly here. Sometimes life feels like that. You're looking from the outside where there is people everywhere yet really, you feel like you're the only person in the world...

Things don't make any sense do they?

Practical Class

I had an anatomy laboratory class today of the renal systems which was quite interesting. Got to take a look at cadavers again...and also, the genitalia of females and males. Yup.

Anyway, the point of this post is not about the practical class itself but what happened towards the end of the class. So we were looking at the cadavers pretty intently, my tutor explaining everything about the renal system. Suddenly, to my right, a cry is let out by a girl and she slumps to the floor - or perhaps, falls limp. My classmates and I stand away from her, trying to let her have enough space as possible. I thought she fainted but as I looked at her face, she stared at me blankly while her limbs jerked convulsively. She had a seizure. Her seizure didn't last for so long however but it was certainly quite frightening as this was the first time I had seen someone experience a seizure.

What I didn't like about my reaction was that despite my first aid training, I did not know how to act on the spot. I wish I could have helped her but conveniently, the girl slumped to the recovery position and didn't appear to be biting anything dangerous. I think I was in such a rude shock that I just stood there, clutching my anatomy notes and looked on helplessly. Time to brush up on my first aid...

God only knows I've been here once before

Visiting school again for the very first time in 6 months to do a presentation on behalf of USYD's health sciences faculty was quite surreal. It was bittersweet to step into the grounds of St George and talk to teachers as friends now yet everything aside, I realised that it's not school I miss but the memories themselves.

After surviving university for >9 weeks now, I suppose I have grown used to that routine. Seeing the year 12s doing what I did just a year ago is a bit odd to observe and yet nothing has changed in terms of competition between students. I cannot imagine doing the school routine over again, moving from class to class in 40 minute intervals and having a teacher to guide you through everything. I'm really used to lectures now and the concept of having to concentrate intensely so that you don't miss a point. Uni does teach you one thing - independence. So that's it, I don't miss school anymore but I'm not embracing uni either. Despite that, I feel content with the new routine I'm stuck in. I also am not sure if I still want to continue with physio either but 'whatever will be, will be'. Cliche. But hey, everything is a cliche. We're only human.

Thoughts

Eight weeks of university have flown by and here they are, the mid-sem breaks. The joy met with their arrival was celebrated by my uni mates by hosting an 'End of Mid-Sems' Outing to the city on Wednesday after our last exam, biomechanics. I suppose I did have fun though my wallet perhaps did not agree so. Appetito on The Rocks was the place and yes, what lovely furnishings and ambient lighting but asking $26.50 for a bowl of fettucine pasta is just ridiculous, though the price may be reflective of their location. Friday (gettin' down on...) was the group dinner to Sizzler at Kogarah. Oh dear old Kogarah, it's been a while. I ordered their filet steak mignon, since it looked pretty nice on the menu and so thereby, expected it to taste...somewhat different. The red wine jus complimented the beef well though the mignon tasted just like a steak - not worth the $29.95 I paid. Although I just did some research and wikipedia informed me that that cut of beef is usually the most tender and expensive. No wonder.

So uni has taught me many things (as it should) and I've grown to like Usyd. However, I don't think physiotherapy is really the course for me. I find myself much more interested and inclined to the study of body systems rather than the gross anatomy of the body, which is a key component to the study of physiotherapy. To change courses to medicine has been on my mind since day one of starting physio and my desire to do it has been stronger than ever. What physio has shown is only a segment of the human body and how it works and it renders itself to be more intriguing than ever, something that I really want to pursue and learn. I'm willing to undertake the torture known as the UMAT again in hope for a place in undergraduate medicine next year. And if I get in, I know it will be hard work, even more so than what physio is demanding of me but I believe that studying it will be a real privilege and I hope that that is what I am able to do in the very near future. Here starts the journey for medicine again...

Whenever I fall at your feet.

Crowded House's 'Fall at Your Feet' is perhaps one of the most beautiful and pure songs ever written. I really love Boy and Bear's very recent cover though it never can trump the original.

Anyhow, I feel like I've been very fickle with everything lately. My concentration has flown out the window and I find myself daydreaming a lot. I'm beginning to warm up to university although the thought of mid-semester exams is not exactly the type of thought that 'warms' my heart. Haha. The experience of university is strange to say the very least. I thought I'd grow to become one who'd favour university right from the beginning but right to my sentimental nature, I've not been one who has embraced university from the start. Getting back into routine is always good I suppose though there are it's ultimate downfalls where 24 hours a day never does seem quite enough.

The most amazing thing about uni though, is the amount of knowledge that you gain. It's only been 6 weeks but I feel like I have doubled the amount of knowledge that I had to begin with from the remnants of HSC. You really do most of your learning here and the human brain capacity continues to astound.

Can you believe Easter is on its way? I can still recall the very first time I went to the Easter show with friends...boy, that was fun. And so began the meeting of almost everyone in the grade. Bic Runga's Sway always reminds me of that time period c. 2006. Debbie and I were on a ride where we were situated on kite like structures, simulating the flight of birds or something or rather. Whilst we were up in the air, 'Sway' started to play and at that moment, I felt truly free and loved life to its core. Listening to this song always evokes that feeling.

You’re only a teenager. You’re not yet married, so go with the flow, laugh tons, use manners, and try something new.Will you just kiss him already? Trust your feelings, spend your cash, introduce yourself, take a chance, study hard, seek happiness, and regret nothing.Don’t laugh at people’s dreams, make a wish on 11:11, challenge yourself, take pictures and appreciate the memories. You should make time to dance in your underwear, and learn from the past. Play dress up and then take all your clothes off. Have the time of your life."

1. How do you take your tutor seriously when his shirt says, 'Let's go crazy' in pink neon writing superimposed with a crazy looking vintage girl? The answer is you can't and I found myself incredibly distracted in my EXSS tute yesterday.

2. I drove quite a lot today and decided upon driving back to school. I wish I learned how to drive during HSC as it would've been so convenient. Nevertheless, driving back evoked many bittersweet feelings....and many memories. Only a year ago was I there, loathing my routine and wishing that it were the end of the HSC instead. A year on, I look back with fondness and nothing but a resolution that even though, whilst living through 2010 seemed like hell, from the other side, I must conclude it must've been one of the best years of my mere life.

Uni.

University has been really really darn tiring and I always find myself falling asleep before 10:00pm hits. Physiotherapy is an interesting course, I like learning about the body systems but I find anatomy overwhelming and something that has to be done by rote learning. And the amount of content to learn in such a small space of time is just insane. I think I have covered a key part of the preliminary PDHPE module as well as some parts of Biology already. And its not even the end of the 2nd week yet. What?

I had my first anatomy class last Thursday and given the hype on how some people spaz and freak out before seeing parts of a cadaver, I suppose viewing the body parts for me was okay. It was odd at first, seeing the thumb of the hand but then I got over it, viewing the part as a piece of...well, tough leathery meat. But the main source of concern was the overbearing smell. Although I do feel hungry after I have anatomy for reasons I don't know why. They say its the chemical they use to preserve the bodies and I've searched it up but haven't found any reputable source backing up that rumour.

Anyway, apparently a dude threatened to commit suicide at Petersham today. I suppose its a good thing that cityrail halted services to save the man's life but the shutdown at Petersham led to major delays on so many other lines. It was very frustrating to wait on the platform for 30+ minutes or more when the service was scheduled to arrive in 2 minutes as I first stepped into the station. The incident truly reflects how flawed our public transport system really is and even if Liberal were elected into State Parliament, it will be so hard to fix such a horrendous rail line. Take for examples in both Paris, London and Hong Kong. Hong Kong has glass doors separating the platform from the rail line so suicide attempts are near impossible. Paris and London; oh their metro lines are amazingly connected in so many different directions...so that if there was some major incident at any station, detours via other stations are possible. Though with the population of Sydney only standing at around 4 - 5 million, it wouldn't be viable to adapt any of the aforementioned city's railway networks. I guess we'll just have to put up with it.

now the cities we live in could be distant stars

Suburban War - Arcade Fire

I suppose the oddest thing about the transition from high school to university is the break of familiarity for me. Ever since school started, we had been always treading the same road. But this is now different - it is probably the same with work and pressure but the learning appears to be so much more condensed and concentrated; we're training for our future professions, training for how we are to be as adults in society.

Despite hating on English so much in high school, I have grown a particular fondness for it after the HSC. One night as I felt overwhelmed and terribly claustrophobic, I found myself turning towards Gwen Harwood's 'At Mornington', reading it and realising what beautiful words she has written down from pen to paper. And I cannot help but realise how much contemporary relevance Blade Runner has to our current society - the HSC Advanced English Course was very insightful and now I miss it. And I miss doing maths so much.

What I find the most frightening though is how friendships will inevitably drift apart. It's like that change from primary to high school though I suppose this would different. The teenage years were when we changed the most, found ourselves in the world, lost others along the road and developed our identities. I guess that could say that we changed together. The separation will truly test these ties that we've found in high school and may they only strengthen but not wear as time passes by.

Growing up is confusing. Sometimes you find yourself attracted to one idea and another time, attracted to something completely on a different spectrum. I've never been more confused in my life. Time to grow up.

Changes

Orientation was today.

I guess it was a chance for me to set foot onto campus and realise how....tafe-like my campus looks. I've seen facebook groups proclaiming their love for Cumberland...but really? It made me feel claustrophobic in the way that it was a magnified size of high school but with so many people pursuing different subjects and yet I felt incredibly small and alone there. Maybe it would change as semester progresses, who knows?

The lecturers who greeted us on orientation were certainly blunt about what we were to expect. I had already knew that Uni is infinitely harder than the HSC but I guess they just felt the urge to reiterate that to our already numb faces. What was even more comforting was finding out that the discipline of physiotherapy had pretty high failure rates, 'the two people next to you will probably fail one or two subjects'. I certainly don't want to fail.

The approach I had towards the HSC was mixed with bouts of distraction and a longing for someone/somethings. But with uni, I'm going to work hard for it.

oh yeah they call me the recluse

It's Valentines Day today and really speaking, I don't care. I suppose that's what you get when you're unattached but it doesn't really faze me either (being unattached).

So whilst the lovebirds (i.e. my sister and her boyfriend) went out for some Valentines Dinner and Movie, I took my brother out to Lulu's Cafe for a meal. My dad was at work whilst my mum is still overseas...so in some ways, it was quite lonely but enjoyable. In some ways, being in charge of my brother and taking care of him has made me grow up a tad. I miss my mum every now and then (she's coming back soon...hopefully) but leaving us alone here has made us become more independent. Perhaps not making it into UQ was a sign...telling me that I've not grown up at all. I suppose 2011 will be a year of growing up.

Sydney Uni's timetables were finally released today after what seems like a shit long time waiting. I was initially incredibly displeased with mine, having a 1pm start on Thursday. I hate anything that starts at near/past midday because it is such an awkward time. You can't really do anything after nor before, making it so inconvienient. I really do wish that my campus was instead the Camperdown instead of Cumberland so that I could really make use of my 3 hour break on Wednesday, which I cannot seem to remove without wrecking my whole timetable. So I do suppose Sem 1 of Uni will be okay. However, I'll be having 8am + 9am starts....whatevs. (actually, I think I will care when I do wake up for such epic starts...><)

Radiohead! Radiohead: The King of Limbs. I am more than excited for the release of this record. Radiohead are freaking innovative with what they do and I do wonder what is in store for this new album. And ah, they always surprise don't they? I found out via facebook...guess that's the perk of social networking and massively 'liking' every artist you want updates about on the site.

Anyhow, I'll leave you with this song. It is so freaking good....what an immense sound!

The Recluse (Nero Remix) - Plan B