Famous angels never come through England

The temperatures in Sydney have dropped dramatically, hovering around the 15 - 17 degrees Celsius mark and its starting to finally to feel as if we're heading into cooler weather. It's the last day of April - a rather shocking fact to realise. The past two months seemed like a whim and I really don't have much recollection as to what had happened but only a slight understanding that I was stuck in a routine. And as I think back to 2010, I don't remember much of it either. Perhaps its the effect of routine, once you immerse yourself fully into something that you do so laboriously, you start to lose yourself and forget about life on the outside.

I can still remember that day in London when we treaded to Buckingham Palace to witness the change of guard. The day was chilly, excessively so and despite wearing those thick winter jackets, nothing seemed to be able to keep me warm enough. It was terribly cold, even more so with the dribbling rain that never seemed to stop and regardless of what type of rain, the English don't seem to use umbrellas at all but only take refuge through their beanies and hats. Anyhow, we walked from Victoria Station to the gates of Buckingham Palace, shoving our way through the other eager tourists and somehow, found a spot by the gate. My hands were frozen and the leather gloves, which I had bought the day before, didn't seem to work as they were pretty wet themselves. Most of the ceremony of the change of guard was cancelled due to the weather which naturally, got us pretty disappointed from making the trek to Central London from the suburbs and exposed to the chilly weather. Nevertheless, we headed indoors to the Queen's gift shop and here we saw, merchandise celebrating the wedding of William and Kate. Upon seeing those ceramics that were beautifully decorated with their names and the date of their wedding, I scoffed to myself, thinking that their wedding was ages away. April! Dah, centuries away! And here we are, on the very last day of April, the Royal Wedding had already taken place and we are heading off into May. Time really does escape you sometimes.

Everything is Everything

It always stuns me with how fast time really flies. It's been a year since I saw Phoenix and right now, if it were 2010, I'd be in Legal Studies in computer room 1 and trying in vain to finish my research. I'd probably be procrastinating as well and talking to Kelly, also procrastinating. The memory I have of that day is so vivid, particularly because it was so fun. Then I'd be training home, texting Vivien cause I freaked out whilst I waited for Cecilia to get to my house so we could train it to Milson's Point. Whilst waiting on the platform, I grabbed my chemistry notes out to study whilst she started talking about History & Memory and English. The train ride was filled with excitement and I can fondly recall that that day was pleasant (weather wise) and the sunset was most beautiful. Noone had arrived once we got to Luna Park so we ventured near the harbour and talked...and I sat there looking up at the sky, wondering what uni would be like and what would eventuate by the end of the year. The others arrived as well - somewhat met with some awkward silences since I only knew 2 of them and the others were new friends but really amazing people now that I think of it.

I remember going into the venue and feeling very nervous - but the nervousness was eased as the support band starting playing; music has this tendency to relax I reckon. The support band, Papa vs Pretty were actually pretty darn awful and once they announced they were playing, 'Wrecking Ball', I immediately made a connection to Interpol's song and thought they were covering the song; alas, they weren't and I can fondly recall our cheering once they announced they were onto their last song.

The wait for Phoenix was long and grueling and terribly exciting. We stood there whilst the sets were changed and as the clocks were ticking onto 9:00pm, I don't think the crowd could really hold in their excitement any longer. I was yearning for them to pop out and at the most unexpected moment, the lights dimmed whilst the opening for 'Lisztomania' churned out from the speakers; the concert was on. From the force of the crowd pushing and shoving, it was hard to stay with friends and I deviated away from a few in my concert clan and tried in vain to keep my head up in that immensely exciting moment. Phoenix were amazingly tight and sound exactly the same as they do on record. I spent the night in the Big Top, looking at the strobe lights, listening to the glorious music and felt on a high - one that was induced by the melodies of Phoenix's songs.

At the end of the night, I suppose we were all stuck in a euphoric high. The rest of the concert clan went off to buy merchandise leaving myself and another friend standing around and chatting. He was very nice, offering to buy the tshirt for me on eBay or something since I didn't have any money but I really didn't want to bother him. Though now, after a year and browsing around Phoenix's webstore, I really want to buy a shirt. Then off we got out of the venue and to the convenience store...Haha, I still remember one of them buying Orange juice cause they are obsessed with that stuff...And I was deliberating whether to buy some soda or a bottle of water and opted for the latter instead, to rehydrate my very wet and tired self.

Looking at Sydney Harbour at night from the position of the Luna Park is magical. Even when you're on a shitty CityRail platform i.e. Milson's Point, you can't help but wonder why is this all so beautiful and feel that world is truly amazing and big. Everything is Everything. (ha!)

And so the journey home via CityRail...we read past MXes and laughed all the way home. We were tired, worn and still euphoric.

I never wrote up a long extensive post of that night here; only complementing the post of the event with a few images and videos of the night. I wonder why I was so nervous going to the concert in the first place - though I can recall feeling reckless since I was going to a concert right before school assessments. And the chemistry and english I was studying on the train? It's true when they say that once you're out of HSC, you realise that it was all a breeze and a gentle one too. The memory of that night is still crystal clear in my mind, I just never really wrote it down online. And here it is, scribed on my blog with permanent internet ink. May that memory never fade.

now the cities we live in could be distant stars

Suburban War - Arcade Fire

I suppose the oddest thing about the transition from high school to university is the break of familiarity for me. Ever since school started, we had been always treading the same road. But this is now different - it is probably the same with work and pressure but the learning appears to be so much more condensed and concentrated; we're training for our future professions, training for how we are to be as adults in society.

Despite hating on English so much in high school, I have grown a particular fondness for it after the HSC. One night as I felt overwhelmed and terribly claustrophobic, I found myself turning towards Gwen Harwood's 'At Mornington', reading it and realising what beautiful words she has written down from pen to paper. And I cannot help but realise how much contemporary relevance Blade Runner has to our current society - the HSC Advanced English Course was very insightful and now I miss it. And I miss doing maths so much.

What I find the most frightening though is how friendships will inevitably drift apart. It's like that change from primary to high school though I suppose this would different. The teenage years were when we changed the most, found ourselves in the world, lost others along the road and developed our identities. I guess that could say that we changed together. The separation will truly test these ties that we've found in high school and may they only strengthen but not wear as time passes by.

Growing up is confusing. Sometimes you find yourself attracted to one idea and another time, attracted to something completely on a different spectrum. I've never been more confused in my life. Time to grow up.

Homebound.

Arriving in Sydney after 41 days abroad filled with people and loudness is odd. It's quiet in the household once more and again, the loneliness strikes me. What I loved about being overseas was the people. Everywhere I went were people...even in cold and wintry England. There's no doubt that Hong Kong is lively and bustling so from here onwards, Sydney feels so empty. I've not spent Chinese New Year in Hong Kong since 2009...which hasn't been so long ago but the way that the Chinese celebrate the coming of the Lunar New Year trumps every single New Year spent in Sydney.

From the apparent initial shock of arriving in Hong Kong after a year's absence came the eventual growth of fondness for the place. Yes, it is quite ugly sometimes...with the rude and obnoxious Asians scattering about but in its core, there is fundamentally beauty in Hong Kong. My mum is currently in Hong Kong, with the four of us here in Sydney. The household is oddly empty which isn't an entirely nice feeling...and I really miss her.

Nighttime is falling here. Time does escape me sometimes. We only arrived in Sydney this morning, flying in from the north to Sydney Harbour then eventually, the airport. I've posted about my mad love for the skies and once again, I was blessed with a window seat...I could stare out that window for hours...watching the sky change colours, blend into darkness and the clouds bounce off one another. The flight down from Hong Kong was so pleasant as well, with my cabin actually pretty darn empty. The steward, who was Japanese was so kind and friendly, making the flight even better.

From my time abroad, I've been having a lot of downtime by myself thinking about the things of the past and present. Many things don't matter anymore, especially the things that plagued me before....I hope you are good dear friend.

we shared a cigarette somewhere addict till it fall, fall, falls.

Listening to: Rome by Phoenix

I love how music can automatically help you remember the memories associated with it. January was perhaps the best month I had all year in 2010. Yes, I can remember it being painfully busy, filled with tutoring sessions all around Sydney but the excitement of always occupying myself, learning and continually having fun was worth it. My mother and brother were both overseas, leaving myself, my sister and my dad in Sydney. My dad works shift work and therefore, there were times when my sister and I would have the whole house to ourselves from 6pm until the next morning. At those times, we'd go out to her friend's house or she'd invite her friends over and one time, we even played mah-jong till the wee hours of 3am ~ 4am. Exceptionally fun and I also do remember it being incredibly hot then as well.

I still remember heading off to Brighton Beach for a saunter in the sand. We didn't swim though, cause I guess we were quite lazy. After that, we drove to this place where they sold fresh Asian vegetables and keeping to my sentimental nature, I reminisced about the past as we drove through. I also remember going to Sushi Rio in the city very often for dinner as well. It was always the late night when we'd head off, around 8:30pm. The city was always filled with people and summer was truly alive then. Ah, I still remember accidentally heading off to the city on the Festival First Night of the Sydney Festival. We were actually really oblivious that that event was occurring as we drove into the city and our efforts in finding parking proved futile.

All in all, January 2010 was thrilling and unbelievably exciting. And here I am, 11 months into 2010 and all I can really think of was that stress free and determined attitude I had back then with all the memories associated with it. Nothing else in this world other than the music I listened to back then can bring me back to those days. Truly unforgettable.

paradise circus by massive attack, meet me halfway by b.e.p., little lion man by mumford + sons, breathe me by sia, while you wait for the others by grizzly bear, a community service announcement by jonathan boulet, remain by delphic, dog days are over by florence + the machine, sleepyhead (acoustic) by passion pit, home by edward sharpe + the magnetic zeroes & the good news by philadelphia grand jury

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how

It's weird to know that both the Tipps formal and the school formal are over now. Odd isn't it? That would truly be the last time we'd congregate together as both a grade and a class. I must be the most boring blogger on Earth, dwelling on how fast time flies and doing nothing about it. But...it's just so hard to swallow - that the familiar routine of going to school 5 days a week is absolutely over.

Both formals were great. The Tipps formal was held at Watersedge in the Rocks by Sydney Harbour - an amazing venue indeed. The music was pumping inside the venue with rnb songs I had no idea what their names were yet I was drawn outside to the balcony and to just look at the harbour - with all the lights reflecting from the water and trains crossing the bridge. On the other side of the Harbour was Luna Park, with the wide open smile of the Luna Park entrance overlooking the Harbour. Looking at Luna Park brought back glorious memories of seeing Phoenix earlier in the year and I sigh - it's been more than 8 months since that night; truly unforgettable and the memories are still so fresh in my mind....fade out, again

The school formal was held at Sheraton on The Park, an obvious upgrade from the Year 10 formal venue of Sheraton Four Points. I was greeted by the warm smiles of my year adviser and the two deputies as I entered the venue. It was a mixture of both happiness and sadness as I saw their friendly faces - knowing for one how kind they were to see us as we entered the formal and sad as I'll not see them on a daily basis no more. Perhaps it is just St George but so many people left the formal early. I stayed till midnight and by then, there were only a select few who were still prancing around on the dance floor. I felt overwhelmed by it all....

Life is a weird trip.

They took off for the mystery zone

This song is fucking great. Builds up appropriately, leaves you wanting for more. Gosh, I shouldn't have left Spoon just there in my iTunes library...should listen to them more.



Anyhow, Happy November. Scary how October's over already...though I don't have much recollection of what happened during October except I was stuck at home studying for the HSC. Not fun innit? The other recollection I have of October is excessive tutoring at Tipps...3 and 4 hour sessions for around 4 times a week (during the holidays). It was long and gruelling, I honestly thought they were never going to end...and now the reality is that, I'll never be sitting there learning and doing maths anymore. Weird how times flies...moreso scary. Strange. Though, I must those tutoring sessions were pretty fun though, given that my tutor made us FOOD (AWESOME NOODLES AND STUFF) to satisfy our hunger (due to the need of brain food).

I don't know what's up with my body but I haven't been sleeping well lately. I always fall asleep almost an hour after I first lie in bed, so it gets rather uncomfortable. It's probably a naive way to fix my retarded body clock, but I've been trying to wake up earlier...so that I become more exhausted by night. But what do you know? It's not bloody working. I'm fine right now, pretty darn pumped (though not for any more chemistry nor physics). All I want to do is just, well, watch videos on youtube and have fun (though alas, I cannot because I am stuck in this rut called the HSC). Anyhow, I'M AN INSOMNIAC! Gosh, I really will endeavour to fix my up sleeping patterns after all these exams....Blah!

TIME REALLY FLIES GUYS! I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST DAY OF JANUARY, 2010. I WAS IN HONG KONG, PREPARING TO LEAVE FOR AUSTRALIA. WHAT THE HELL. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN CHEATED OF MY TIME. WHERE HAVE I BEEN? :'(

The Sharpness of Death

Death - why be like so?

As I come across countless articles and news sources documenting recent deaths, I can't help but think that the luckiest of all deaths would be to die of old age, knowing that death is imminent. And what moves me the most are the sudden deaths, those of which cannot be predicted and occur out of the blue. Like those deaths of the tourists in the Philippines, like those ones in Earthquakes, like those killed as bystanders...it's so unfortunate. They all never knew they were going to die, that brushing their teeth, eating food, waking up to the morning sun and all these minor petty things would've been their lasts on Earth. How many families would have been wrecked? Earlier in the evening, a cop was shot in the head during a raid in Bankstown. I don't know of his condition, but I do hope that he is strong and pulling through. I don't want today to be his last day on Earth. I don't want today to be his last day waking up, brushing his teeth, driving off, eating......... the list goes on.

And with regard to the title? I don't even know why I named this post as 'The Sharpness of Death'...it just feels appropriate.

the sky could be blue, i don't mind..without you its a waste of time

Strawberry Swing by Coldplay

I still remember when Coldplay released their album, Viva La Vida. I was so enamoured with their first single, Violet Hill and became incredibly obsessed as I first encountered the Viva La Vida iTunes promo. They surely had progressed and matured in their song writing. 2008 was characterised with listening to Coldplay endlessly and scouring through their older material and thus, falling head over heels for this lovely English band so there is no doubt that listening to this album will inevitably bring back great memories.

June 2008: Strawberry Swing forever.
I took the picture below in the Chinese Friendship Gardens back then. It was a beautiful day and I listened to this song as I ventured in the garden, taking photographs of all the lovely sights I saw. The day exactly mirrored the lyrics of the song, 'It's such a perfect day//the sky could be blue, i don't mind, without you its a waste of time'. And now, whenever I listen to the song, I cannot help but think of warm winter days spent in the city all alone. In a way, I felt quite lonely at the time...but with Chris Martin's voice accompanying my adventure in the city, it wasn't bad after all.

Lovers in Japan: Commuting to and from Parramatta

Lovers in Japan can potentially be my favourite off Coldplay's amazing album. I feel as if the song radiates happiness (if it could) and I feel empowered and so inspired whenever I listen to it. Though, in particular, I love the slow opening transcending to an upbeat change in tempo complimented with the piano-esque sounds. Ha! And that brings me back to 2008 when I was commuting to and from Parramatta for a whole week during work experience. Those days were characterised by lonely and cold morning rides to Redfern station then changing lines to catch the services to my work experience destination. As I was listening to Coldplay's album on repeat at that period of time, I listened to Lovers in Japan during all my commutes...and I didn't feel as alone. In fact, after work experience, I felt as if I started to miss those commutes to Parramatta. I don't know how to articulate how I feel but I felt a sense of happiness but sadness at the very same time whilst commuting. Lovers in Japan not only fuelled it but provided a basis for where my emotions laid. Perhaps I am not making any sense...but only good memories accompany when I listen to this wonderful song.

I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me

Paparazzi by Lady Gaga

Lately, I've been feeling rather sentimental and thinking about what I was doing a year ago. I was in Tokyo, discovering, observing and feeling the beautiful city before me. I wish I had the words to describe all the emotions I felt in Japan though it is quite impossible to do so, due to the lack of articulation on my behalf. I've raved on about Tokyo in my previous posts but I believe that everyone must go to Tokyo in some point of their lives. To me, I felt so alive and rejuvenated amidst the artificial landscape, moreso than lying under the stars at Duke of Edinburgh. I guess they are both different sensations but being displaced in Tokyo left a bigger impression + impact on me. I can still remember heading off to the red light district of Tokyo (without knowing beforehand that it was the right light district) at night and feeling extremely paranoid. I was constantly on the look out for potential rapists and prepared to use profanity if they ever came close...though that never occurred. And I remember trying to order noodles in noodle shops..it was honestly quite difficult. All that was conversed was a 'Sumimasen' and a direct point to a picture on the menu. I actually didn't know what was in it but it appeared delicious so I just followed my instincts anyway. Oh...there is one thing I will never forget though...the cute Japanese stranger on the train. ;) He was so adorable, in the way that he was leaning against the glass in such a strange stance and fully engaged with listening to his music with gigantic headphones on. He smiled at me as I accidentally tripped over him (or something like that) and I said a very touristy, 'Sorry'. I'm sure he figured we weren't locals. Ahhh, dearest stranger...I wonder who you are.

I wish I could live free, I hope its not beyond me

The New by Interpol

Nobody is perfect, I think that's been established long ago. Even when perfection is unattainable, surely there are some qualities embedded within a person that will make them stand out and perhaps, be a little special in a way. I've calculated and considered everything about myself, weighed up the qualities and flaws that I personally know I possess and have figured that I am average. To be honest, I think I am more flawed than blessed. You know those people who have a knack for learning all kitschy artsy things easily and/or either talented musically? Yeah, well, I am not one of those. Year 9 + 10 art reinforced my incapability of producing a aesthetically appealing piece of artwork, as indicated by my failed portrait of myself! Alas, I couldn't even draw myself on a bloody canvas. I've tried picking up the guitar and learning a few chords to a few of my favourite songs. Even though I learned the chords, I struggled with keeping my fingers on the strings and progressing smoothly from chord to chord. Yes, I did practise but the more I did, the more I realised how much coordination I lacked to successfully play the guitar. Even though I love listening to the melodic and luscious sounds of music, to reproduce it by myself is just out of my league. It's just something that's not in me. You see, artistic talent is not possessed by myself. (as much as I wish it was) Oh, and artistic talents also embody photography, singing, dancing and all the creative things. I can do them all...all in a mediocre manner..see? Not perfect..nowhere even near good.

Educationally? Average student, not that impressive. Okay at some subjects, shit at others. As indicated by results, I have realised that I am always just an average girl. I sometimes wonder why my name is actually Katie when really it should be my middle name, Jane. I should have been really called Jane Katie Lau, instead of Katie Jane Lau. I do try..to be honest, but it just seems as though every single one of my tests all yield an average result. Maintaining an average result in such a competitive school is not good enough in my standards. I've always wanted to trump the usuals...those girls who are always getting impressive scores in every.single.subject they do. Seriously speaking though...looking and observing their study habits already tire me. I just want to bury my head in a pillow and not look at their determined faces.

I always say this after my exams...but I am thoroughly disappointed with the results I received for mathematics. It was always my strong subject but lately, it's been lagging behind and I am not getting what I want to get. I know I could have done so much better...if I had put in more effort and been a little less arrogant in my assumptions regarding my knowledge of the topics that were tested. I thought I had a reasonable grasp of what was assessed but there were inevitably gaps within my knowledge that restricted me from attaining the marks that were of the higher end. Katie, is yet again, average Katie (Jane). Perhaps this is a wake up call, telling me to refocus and re-evaluate my study habits. I am slightly relieved that these tests only constitute 20% of my overall HSC mark...there is still room for improvement and I know I will make in all the up and coming assessments. It's only a matter of dedication to breakthrough this plain Katie Jane barrier. It will be my time to shine.

I can feel it in my bones

Gimme Sympathy by Metric

I took a trip down memory lane today...via reading old posts on my msn space. It used to be a private space where only my messenger contacts could read...but since I don't use that email account any more, I thought I could make it public so you can all read how I used to blog. It's really interesting to read what I wrote approximately 4 years ago and its easy to tell how simply I used to think. Life wasn't that complex at all and all that really concerned me were completing science assignments on stupid rocks and watching movies with friends. I honestly regret deleting some of the blogs I used to have... I should have retained them as they were so that I could dig them out and reread what I used to think.. alas, that's impossible now. And now, I just laugh at what I used to write and reminisce of those days when I felt as if the world was at my feet and I could easily conquer anything before me. 2006 was a great year for me...and it can be seen as reflected in my posts.

Join me in reflection of my junior years at St George.

Throw the ashes into the sea

Haiti by Arcade Fire

As a young person living in Australia, I guess it can easily be said that we take many things for granted. Living in a house, having drinking water, food everyday and all these luxurious goods that make life so much easier.

2010 started off with a devastating earthquake in Haiti. Honestly, I was not so affected with it initially because I just thought of the catastrophe as one that was similar to the 2004 South Asian Tsunami. However, the reality hit me just then, when an aftershock hit Haiti. I went through all the photos I could find of the ruins that remain in Haiti and the shots of the dead lying in the streets of Haiti. I can't believe my eyes, the photos I saw will forever be imprinted in my mind and the shock that accompanies it will also remain forever. I know I am so privileged and so lucky to be living in such an amazing country and I really should not be taking this life for granted. Look at the people in Haiti, they're all living on the streets, without any shelter whatsoever and probably go to sleep without a sufficient meal in their stomachs. That leaves me wondering, in such a privileged position, how may I reach out to help the Haitians in a time when time and money are so crucial. I really want to help them so bad...in a way, I wish I was a doctor so that I could fly over and help them, using my own bare hands. However, I cannot and am resorting to donating money. But I want to do more than just donate...how else could I help? This is a terrible catastrophe that has stricken such a hopeless nation. I feel as if the world must unite and help, to help rebuild Haiti.

I can't fake, we're on top.

I wish I could erase the many things I have done.

I feel so stupid and immature in the way I acted it.

But alas, there is no way I can take anything back. It's a matter of living through it and accepting that yes, these were some of the dumb things I have done. I guess, it essentially makes up who I really am.

That said, I miss Hong Kong.

Undisclosed Desires

I really dislike the way how friendships are maintained in the time I live in. Yes, it's becoming increasing easy to stay in touch with old friends but what about the new ones? You hide behind the computer screen, only sounding friendly online...Yet, when you meet them in real life, you stutter and stammer, becoming anxious with what you can say to them without sounding too stupid.

This has happened to me once and never again, will I get to know someone online. I'd rather know someone, starting from friends in real life then conversing online.

It sucks when you dunno what to say...

=\

A minor reflection

I have met so many people in my lifetime, they walk and out of my life periodically. There may be peaks when I see them and other times when I don't associate with them whatsoever.

I remember starting high school for the very first time in 2005 and it was certainly a very strange experience for me. Classes were always different and people associated in groups. I was so taken aback and high school seriously thrust me into a position for self evaluation and actualisation. I eventually conformed to the norm and hung out with people in large groups of friends. It was a different environment to what I was used to but nevertheless, I found it fun. As time wore on, I didn't feel as if that was actually what I wanted. I have always only played with one friend during primary, my best friend and having lunch times in a group was just so strange for me. Yes, I have made good friends via associating with others as a collective, but out of all the people I have ever met in my lifetime, I realise that I only truly care for my primary best friend. She was the one that was willing to indulge into my wild imagination and create separate fantasy worlds with me. At times when I was feeling unwell, she'd come and care for me.....like that time I had diarrhoea...I was in the toilet for the whole 1 hour lunchtime and she went nowhere, but stayed outside the toilet asking me if I was okay. And that other time when I was at year 6 camp and I felt so incredibly homesick. She consoled me and told me that she was there for me. She told me not to cry and told me to enjoy the rest of the camp with her.

We were incredibly close as young children and I can truthfully say, that my friendship with her was the purest and strongest one I have ever had in my entire life thus far. I trusted her wholeheartedly and as I type these words now, I miss her more than ever.

Joanne Lee, thanks for always being there.

I remember hating you during year 9 and 10. I only did that to cover up my jealousy which I upheld due to your blossoming friendships with other girls. I never hated you in my heart. It was all just on the surface.

I miss you so much :(

I'm rather cynical

What I have learnt:

1. Life is unfair and there's nothing you can do about so many things. You've just got to deal with it and not let it get to you, no matter how unfair the situation is
2. You are your own best friend. No matter how close of friends you are with other people, you are the only one who will not let yourself down.
3. The people who don't judge you are probably the best people you'll ever meet

We live in a beautiful world

All images from the Cherry Blossom Girl

American dreams, an American road trip. These images are triggering my wanderlust and the inner adventurer within me. I want to go on a roadtrip, preferably in America, exploring the 50 states that make up the United States of America. I want to see for myself the distinctly different cities that make America so intruiging. I want to lose myself in New York City, gamble in Las Vegas, cross the Golden Gate Bridge in San Fran...I just want to feel it all. After my exams, I want to do something special. I don't know what, but I want to feel alive and feel inspired.

Let down and hanging around- Let Down by Radiohead

I make it sound as if I am going through a mid life crisis or something worse than the end of the world, but to me, education is an important aspect. Gosh, I sound like an Asian parent but nevertheless...

I feel as though I have fallen to an all time low and there will be no other person, other than myself who will be willing to pick myself back up. As much as I appreciate the kind yet somewhat frank and upfront words from those who listen or not listen, they aren't the ones who will help me get back up. I will and I am going to be the one who'll be picking myself up from the mess I have created myself. I regret not listening to myself, my own heart who knows best of what subjects and things I enjoy and achieve the most in. Instead, I chose something I do not enjoy and obviously dread learning about. It's way too late to change my mistakes and the only rational and logical thing that I can do is to cope with it and try my best.

Do you think that with positive thinking, motivation and energy, that I will be able to conquer my fear? I certainly hope so.