(hanging) by a moment.

These days I'm becoming more and more nostalgic.

The new year is coming. I'm looking back at what has happened. There are times when life plays out in your head like an episode after one another. Perhaps it would be better that way, at least there would be a more cement way of reliving moments for memory is poor and pieces of the past chip away as time progresses. Soon the memory will only be recalled in some fantastical way, with some moments added in, the important bits remaining and the petty bits completely dreamed up.

Life last year on this exact day was different. It was only beginning for me. I still remember .. that exact look on your face. What you said. Everything.

2013. I'm scared it will become a year where I'll spend everyday looking at the calendar and trying to recall what happened on that exact day in 2012. The days of 2012 were spent looking forward to what else life could throw at me. The nostalgia and the sentimentality of 2012 will really leave me in ruins, there has to be some way where I can just live in the present. The music that I listened to throughout 2012 should be replaced, for they only spark up certain feelings at certain times. Carla Bruni.. oh how you make my heart burn and long for that exact moment when I felt like life finally happened. Katy Perry, for unleashing a stronger me. Ellie Goulding, for everything.

Dreams were made and lost. Reality hit home harder than expected. 

This was a year of... 

Light All My Lights - Seeker Lover Keeper

This song will be the song I will remember 2012 by. 

The first time I heard this song was before the worst, before anything happened, before everything changed. It was the last calm before the storm...

We were sitting in the car, driving home from Bondi Junction after a long day of hanging out... The day was gruelling hot, stinking even, for I never anticipated the heat but instead brought my checkered cardigan along. It poured as we left Bondi, much to our surprise but to relief as the warm August day reverted to the norm as to being chilly instead. 

It was truly the day before absolute change. 

This was the day before life progressed to the next level for you, preparing you for full time work, before she broke off a relationship that was strong for her and well, for our other friend, before the phase where she would realise that there were other people in the world. As for me, I was content in my world, enjoying the company of everyone, thinking that this...was the life. Little did I know that that day marked the end for a new beginning in all our lives. I would go off to admitting feelings, she would go off to meet her current boyfriend and ultimately be exiled from the group's lives, our other friend would settle for a period of downtime with her boyfriend and you, well... in some way, you didn't change then...But from my eyes I thought life took hold of you because you suddenly became so busy and you found some other new friends along the way out to creating the current you. 

As 'Light All My Lights' played, the car's windscreen wipers were on the maximal speed and I sat in the backseat, thinking about how I would remember that exact moment every time I hear this song...and I wasn't wrong. I looked out the window and saw the magnificent city we lived in and all the rain that drenched it and thought to myself that it couldn't get any better. Inside that car were four souls, our lives were all interconnected at that moment. We were four great friends, all seemingly content though perhaps, we were all hiding a part of ourselves that would soon be revealed. 

And now in the present I still maintain connections to all of you. ....Can it be the way it was?

Time changes everything. People make decisions and then hurt one another. Lack of foresight complicate things. Trust is easily traded away for acceptance as part of the norm, part of the popular opinion. 

Times like these will never happen again, much to my dismay. For most have all moved on, except for one...and I suppose that's me. Fabulous memories like these ignite a flame inside and looking back, it is truly bittersweet to recall everything. And all this time I was wondering why you were the way you were. 

I understand now. 

yo-lo

After several attempts to actually start writing a blog post then having it being abandoned due to sheer laziness or perhaps a lack of things to say, here I am being ever so adamant to write about life itself. I haven't blogged all month, ever since that time when I was so heartbroken and all. I think it is safe to say that I no longer feel broken or anything in fact, life is just passing by and I am fine.

December always feels like a fun month, no matter what year it is. It's the time when everyone is preparing to go on extended holidays and well, feels like everything is ending. 2012 has been such an odd year, one that I'll remember as having to grow up in many ways. I learnt a lot, made many new friends...and if I look back at this time last year, things have certainly changed and I wouldn't be able to have envisioned my current life as it is. But you know, that's life. You make a small decision at some point and down the track, that small decision would be so ever pivotal and influential to your life... I'm not sure if I can remember much of 2011 these days given the intensity of the situations experienced this year. It has been full on and absolutely crazy but maybe that's how I like it.

There will be times when you find something absolutely amazing but maybe the timing just isn't right. But you can't help but notice how fate keeps twisting itself. Perhaps you shouldn't look too much into it, because wanting to control how life unfolds will only result in a disappointment of how life isn't happening as it should do so.

2012 - YOLO.