Loner

I never go straight home after uni anymore. The days of first year where I longed to get out of Cumbo and back home as soon as possible are long gone. These days I just take myself out to do things that are supposed to make me happy and yet, it usually results in a sense of disappointment because I tend to overthink things and the vicious cycle simply continues. 

Today I went to eat the strawberry and watermelon cake. It surely is delicious and sweet, bitterly so to be exact. I sat on the wooden stools on the street, watching the rain sprinkle down onto the pavement. The air was somewhat colder than the weather we had experienced as of late, the clouds obscured the sky. There I was, a lone figure on Australia St watching the world pass me by. Everyone seemed to be engaged with their lives or perhaps in the company of someone else, laughing, catching up, having a good time and then there was me, trapped inside my thoughts because I don't know how to articulate the sheer loneliness I feel at times. I'm not proud of being lonely, I don't think anyone can ever be. It's not something you choose but simply something that happens as of consequence of the choices you have made long before in life. There is a reason why I am the way I am today. 

If I could have told myself something in the past, I'd tell her to not take everything so seriously. Do teenager things. Be stupid. Have fun. Let loose. The maturity that you uphold isn't really that beneficial. I shoulda. I woulda. I coulda. Don't want to hear these words in my life ever again. 

And here I am, alone again drowning in my thoughts. Some are just blessed to have company around them all the time. I've not been one who had things ever to come so easily. I have to work for it, fight for it...they just don't come by. I wonder what the use of what I am going through is for me. Maybe it's helping me to grow into a different person. But whatever, being lonely...is not something a person chooses. Know that. 

(500) Days

Ask me my favourite scene in 500 Days of Summer and this will always be the answer. The scene where Tom and Summer are in the car driving off to the movies, where Tom unexpectedly asks Summer what their relationship status exactly is. Summer tells Tom that she doesn't know and that it doesn't matter, because that they're both happy. There's something beautiful and so frank about this scene that cements this as my favourite scene. It's like the calm before the storm. The dream that people live for...happy, carefree, young and beautiful. Their relationship at this stage was something admirable whilst Carla Bruni's Quelqu'un M'a Dit plays in the background... even though I honestly only started to listen to this song repetitively this year, it somehow makes me feel so nostalgic for something...which I'm not sure of. Even though I have never experienced any relationship, it's really not hard to imagine for this to take place in reality.

Truth to be told, the whole movie breaks my heart. I'm not sure what can happen in life these days.

Revert

How is it even November already?

Ah, another nostalgic post from me again...but sorry can't help it. You know how songs take you back to a precise moment in time? Yeah, that happens to me a lot of the times. Carla Bruni's Quelqu'un M'a Dit takes me back to March, back to the time when I decided to actually give the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack a real listen, knowing it was so well collated and everything. This song struck me as it played over one of the most poignant scenes in the movie, where Tom and Summer are riding in the car and Tom asks her what their relationship exactly encompasses... But Summer says that she doesn't know and that they were having fun. Somehow, this scene comforts yet saddens me, only because moments are ever so fleeting and that things keep on changing because life happens. At that point in time, something exciting was happening in my life and I was wondering what would happen down the track. Now I'm in November. Much adversity has been faced but here I am, still living and standing strong and I hope so forevermore.

Ah, how relevant. iTunes shuffle always reads my mind...The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition is playing right now...yet another song off 500 Days of Summer.

I can recall that precise moment when I heard Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe. I was with my dad in McDonalds on Princes Highway and it was late at night, I was unhappy because of the lack of happiness I found with my studies and also, clouded with the misery of my thoughts. We went out for a drive in the city, hoping to lift my spirits of which it did. However in retrospect, the lifting of my sadness was mainly due to something else that happened, perhaps it got to do with the object of my affections.

April. The day before Anzac Day. Linkin Park's Shadow of the Day. I remember I felt rather reflective and this was the song that struck my mind. I kept listening to it because I wanted hope in my life, of which it gave me some temporarily. How could I ever forget Katy Perry's Part of Me coupled with Kelly Clarkson's What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)? Those were the songs that I made my anthems for about a week because I had been led to believe in something that wasn't really there...but other things happened to convey more hope...and perhaps leading up to disillusion. I deleted some memories from that time period as I heeded the advice of a friend. I really wish I hadn't. (Never Let Me Go)

Take me to May. What was the soundtrack then? Ah. Flo Rida's Wild Ones. Finishing placement was one of the highlights of the year. I will never forget interacting with real patients and being so privileged to listen to their stories and watch their gradual recovering leading up to discharge.
June 18-65. How funny are coincidences?

Sometimes my memory operates like a tv show. I feel like I can relive every situation I've ever been through in my head, recall that precise moment and the feelings associated with it. The coincidence. That was a moment when everything in the world didn't matter, like life was finally taking shape and I was truly invincible. Because nothing ever so magical happened before in my life and as I was there with you. Of course, moments like these are fleeting but I thought that's when it all began. Truly. I've wasted half the day thinking about the past. Mm.

I always find that July is forever magical no matter what year it is. However, as there is a high there is always a low. Maybe because it's the month of my birthday and so everything seems to be so idealised. I don't know...and the quality of my writing has diminished as of late. But that's what happens when your mind is all over the place. Oh life. What are you?