Loner

I never go straight home after uni anymore. The days of first year where I longed to get out of Cumbo and back home as soon as possible are long gone. These days I just take myself out to do things that are supposed to make me happy and yet, it usually results in a sense of disappointment because I tend to overthink things and the vicious cycle simply continues. 

Today I went to eat the strawberry and watermelon cake. It surely is delicious and sweet, bitterly so to be exact. I sat on the wooden stools on the street, watching the rain sprinkle down onto the pavement. The air was somewhat colder than the weather we had experienced as of late, the clouds obscured the sky. There I was, a lone figure on Australia St watching the world pass me by. Everyone seemed to be engaged with their lives or perhaps in the company of someone else, laughing, catching up, having a good time and then there was me, trapped inside my thoughts because I don't know how to articulate the sheer loneliness I feel at times. I'm not proud of being lonely, I don't think anyone can ever be. It's not something you choose but simply something that happens as of consequence of the choices you have made long before in life. There is a reason why I am the way I am today. 

If I could have told myself something in the past, I'd tell her to not take everything so seriously. Do teenager things. Be stupid. Have fun. Let loose. The maturity that you uphold isn't really that beneficial. I shoulda. I woulda. I coulda. Don't want to hear these words in my life ever again. 

And here I am, alone again drowning in my thoughts. Some are just blessed to have company around them all the time. I've not been one who had things ever to come so easily. I have to work for it, fight for it...they just don't come by. I wonder what the use of what I am going through is for me. Maybe it's helping me to grow into a different person. But whatever, being lonely...is not something a person chooses. Know that.