imagery......

I roll the window down

And then begin to breathe in

The darkest country road

And the strong scent of evergreen

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

Then looking upwards

I strain my eyes

And try to tell the difference

Between shooting stars and satellites

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

"Do they collide?"

I ask and you smile

With my feet on the dash

The world doesn't matter

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

When you need directions then I'll be the guide

For all time

For all time

no it's not alright, regina.

Bipolar. 

If 2012 was to end now, that's what I would say about the year. I need to know how to help myself by keeping calm and knowing how to stay sane in a world that is proving more and more complex than the one I was used to. I love my friends, I really do. And it warms me to such an amazing degree to know that they care about me whenever I am down or experiencing problems that I have had ever since the beginning of the year. But today I got thinking and realise that I am truly stepping into near adulthood. I'm expected to know better than this, that the sugar coating of all situations that happened in my younger years are never present anymore. Every day is a hardcore tumble of brutal realities that you must face with advice that are direct and straight to the point, because your friends don't want to see you suffering. When it hurts to hear, you know its right. 

It has been seven months ever since I started to feel anything for anyone. Seven months ever since I thought that 2012 may hail some new beginnings. I remember asking myself...Will this be the year? Will I start living? What will I feel by the end of the year? 

I have started to live but living something I didn't anticipate. It has been a year filled with extreme emotions oscillating from extreme happiness to terrible downs that I do not know how to deal with. Sometimes you think life will bring you the good stuff that you just hope it wil stay that way forever, but life is never that simple m'darling. I believe thats what you call being naive.  

If there is anything I know...it's that I may be brilliant at performing well in academic conditions, perhaps a great conversationalist even...but absolutely hopeless in picking up that I have been led on to no end and completely naive in believing that simple actions could be misinterpreted as romantic gestures. I hate myself. I really do. Because believe it or not, ever since I was a young girl, all that really fascinated me were just my crushes on random boys in my classes...and in high school, that's all I'd daydream about. I suppose every teenage girl does that but I have always been too fucking shy to admit that I have ever liked anyone. Cause I'll get stares, laughs and just dismissals as being too trivial. I need to braver and more fearless. Because these days, it just feels like I'm trying to avoid sinking into the void of nothing. 

And what I have learnt in 2012 is that I am highly sensitive and highly emotional. That everything in my world revolves around feeling. . . Why is it that I am so obsessed with something that feels like it has never been there? I don't know darling, I don't know. 

Falling...and falling.

I keep on falling .

18 - 19

Tomorrow will be my 19th. Today/Tonight will be a party that I am throwing for it. I'm nervous, I haven't really done this and it's way out of my comfort zone. The reason for why I am having it is rather  stupid as well. Because if the year didn't eventuate the way it did, I would just simply be having a quiet day at home.

How much does a year change things? A lot. Perhaps not change. But time brings about new things into life and circumstances change. Maybe you meet new people and lose some along the way.

I can't seem to write anymore. I used to have so much to write but maybe it's because these days I just tell myself to stop overthinking to the point that it seems like trying to write every thought down is simply futile. But that doesn't mean I'm okay either. Coping. Is that the right word for anything? Or is that the right attitude for anything? No. But it gets you on with life so why not?

This scares me.

And I don't know how to act.

Why do I act in such a particular manner to people whom I like? I don't understand why I just shy away  in a face of sarcasm and utter bluntness. I just don't know how to act I guess.

I watched Brave today...in the cinemas by myself amongst a bunch of holidaying school kids. I want to brave. I am not brave enough, that's something I know. I don't know how to be brave because I just want to curl into my cocoon and just shy away from everything. But there's one thing that I've learnt... that feeling is so intrinsically human. It's how you feel, not fucking rocket science. And there isn't a fault in feeling.

Should I be brave and just act on whatever I feel? I don't know, has that ever brought anyone any good?

oh simple thing//

im so sorry for writing the same thing over and over again on this blog...but i don't know how else to voice my anxieties, fears and confusions. 

did we talk that day? i don't remember. but it was a cold night and i remember thinking about everything that has happened over and over again, wondering what had happened as of late for this to disintegrate steadily into nothing. someone told me to drop all the shit in my life, to move on and stop thinking and thinking, for thinking is a curse that only does harm.

the previous time we were there, it was recognised that life was nothing but coincidence. i guess you said that because you simply didn't want anything to do with me anymore...but simply regard everything as mere coincidence. i tried to not think of whatever that plagued my mind as much, moving on...not caring. and then we were there again on another day, much to my delight. were you happy? i don't know, sometimes i get the feeling that you care and other times i know you don't see what i see in us. this terrible thing called us, which i thought would happen but now, it's more likely going to be just 'i'. 

i know there are some moments in life that you have got to seize and knowing that, that time we were together, i decided to seize the moment. to my surprise, you weren't reluctant and you listened to what i wanted. it was a rare moment, i'm not sure if it will happen again because you're never sure with me...or it appears to me that you're always shunning me. whatever the case, i wish that that moment wouldn't be the first and last time but knowing everything that happens in my life, it might be anyway. 

i hate how you ignore me. i hate how you act so cool to me, it's almost emotionless. i sometimes wonder whether you even acknowledge me as your friend...because the way things are, the attitude you exude makes me feel otherwise, that i'm not even a friend to you. and so the ever looping realm of confusion strikes again...how many times have i been here? too many. 

humans are complicated creatures...so social and so afraid of loneliness. i like to be alone but i hate being lonely, they're two completely different things. and in this rampant world, it feels like the world falls apart sometimes. there are times when you are completely overwhelmed with life, that you seek solace in the comfort of your friends. and then you lose your mind unaware of what you have done... realising that perhaps feeling whatever you felt was a mistake. one thing i can say is...that physical affection is nice, but it's fundamentally empty when you don't see the person involved in that way. this happened ages ago precisely in early may, and i didn't ever feel like writing about it, because.. well, the fling or whatever it's called nowadays was a mistake on my part as well. empty feelings, loads of physical affection. and yet, at that moment....there wasn't much else i could think of other than just the person i have been pining for in the last 6 months. just a little acceptance, perhaps a little acknowledgement would be fine. . .

how can you miss someone who doesn't even miss you? I don't know. But it's possible.
I believe I had fallen. Hard.