no it's not alright, regina.

Bipolar. 

If 2012 was to end now, that's what I would say about the year. I need to know how to help myself by keeping calm and knowing how to stay sane in a world that is proving more and more complex than the one I was used to. I love my friends, I really do. And it warms me to such an amazing degree to know that they care about me whenever I am down or experiencing problems that I have had ever since the beginning of the year. But today I got thinking and realise that I am truly stepping into near adulthood. I'm expected to know better than this, that the sugar coating of all situations that happened in my younger years are never present anymore. Every day is a hardcore tumble of brutal realities that you must face with advice that are direct and straight to the point, because your friends don't want to see you suffering. When it hurts to hear, you know its right. 

It has been seven months ever since I started to feel anything for anyone. Seven months ever since I thought that 2012 may hail some new beginnings. I remember asking myself...Will this be the year? Will I start living? What will I feel by the end of the year? 

I have started to live but living something I didn't anticipate. It has been a year filled with extreme emotions oscillating from extreme happiness to terrible downs that I do not know how to deal with. Sometimes you think life will bring you the good stuff that you just hope it wil stay that way forever, but life is never that simple m'darling. I believe thats what you call being naive.  

If there is anything I know...it's that I may be brilliant at performing well in academic conditions, perhaps a great conversationalist even...but absolutely hopeless in picking up that I have been led on to no end and completely naive in believing that simple actions could be misinterpreted as romantic gestures. I hate myself. I really do. Because believe it or not, ever since I was a young girl, all that really fascinated me were just my crushes on random boys in my classes...and in high school, that's all I'd daydream about. I suppose every teenage girl does that but I have always been too fucking shy to admit that I have ever liked anyone. Cause I'll get stares, laughs and just dismissals as being too trivial. I need to braver and more fearless. Because these days, it just feels like I'm trying to avoid sinking into the void of nothing. 

And what I have learnt in 2012 is that I am highly sensitive and highly emotional. That everything in my world revolves around feeling. . . Why is it that I am so obsessed with something that feels like it has never been there? I don't know darling, I don't know.