Sæglópur

Someday, I'll find what I truly want.

Sigur Ros is always perfect to listen on a cool day, where rain drops like dimples onto the concrete and the wind gently blows across your face. Times like this, I feel too much, that I am about to burst.

Saturday night in East Berlin

photo by phixotography

what do you think of dying? sometimes, i want to die. there are times when you feel most vulnerable and all you want to do is find an escape from the passing reality that is in front of you. sometimes i also wish that it were the olden days where women's primary preoccupations were to run errands around the home...not education. but look where society has brought us to? women's education is equally important as men's education. why do i have these thoughts? university had probably taken its toll on my sanity. i find myself trying so hard to do so much work, to remember the ever increasing content to the point where i find that it becomes hard to comprehend. and therefore, i wish that an education in university wasn't vital. it's not that i don't like learning, in fact, its something i love doing but the way that it is presented to me in this fashion is not something i like i suppose. everything is grey in my course, i find myself jumping from different websites to different textbooks to find a concrete answer to some of the most petty pieces of information. and then the lecturer says that not many textbooks have that answer to that objective, isn't that just wonderful.

and dying. im sure everyone has thought about death. and how, at their weakest moments, they just want all this to pass and stop feeling, cease the pain and move on to eternity, where they may sleep forever in peace. there are so many times when i feel weak, when i can hardly keep my head above the water and there are times when i nearly drown. but i take a step back and look at the big picture and realise that the problems i am going through are probably not going to drastically weigh me down in the near future. who cares if i don't get the desired result for that test/quiz? life goes on, friend. one day this will soon be over and in the flashback before death, i wonder what i'll see.

這個剎那宇宙 拒絕永久 世事無常還是未看夠 還未看透

[夕陽無限好 天色已黃昏 本想去憑愛 去換最燦爛一生
想不到長吻 帶來更永恆傷感
夕陽無限好 卻是近黃昏 高峰的快感 剎那失陷
風花雪月不肯等人 要獻便獻吻] - 夕陽無限好 Eason Chan

"人總需要勇敢生存 我還是重新許願
例如學會 承受失戀
明年今日 別要再失眠 床褥都改變 如果有幸會面
或在同伴新婚的盛宴 惶惑地等待你出現
明年今日 未見你一年 誰捨得改變 離開你六十年
但願能認得出你的子女 臨別亦聽得到你講再見" - 明年今日 Eason Chan

You’re only a teenager. You’re not yet married, so go with the flow, laugh tons, use manners, and try something new.Will you just kiss him already? Trust your feelings, spend your cash, introduce yourself, take a chance, study hard, seek happiness, and regret nothing.Don’t laugh at people’s dreams, make a wish on 11:11, challenge yourself, take pictures and appreciate the memories. You should make time to dance in your underwear, and learn from the past. Play dress up and then take all your clothes off. Have the time of your life."

1. How do you take your tutor seriously when his shirt says, 'Let's go crazy' in pink neon writing superimposed with a crazy looking vintage girl? The answer is you can't and I found myself incredibly distracted in my EXSS tute yesterday.

2. I drove quite a lot today and decided upon driving back to school. I wish I learned how to drive during HSC as it would've been so convenient. Nevertheless, driving back evoked many bittersweet feelings....and many memories. Only a year ago was I there, loathing my routine and wishing that it were the end of the HSC instead. A year on, I look back with fondness and nothing but a resolution that even though, whilst living through 2010 seemed like hell, from the other side, I must conclude it must've been one of the best years of my mere life.

Lately

Two Kinds of Happiness - The Strokes


Machu Picchu - The Strokes


Will Do - TV on the Radio


Helena Beat - Foster the People


Ego - Burial/Four Tet/Thom Yorke

and i'll be everything you ask but more.

seriously the best live performance of 1901 ever. seriously.
look at the drummer
and thomas mars' exit by throwing the mike as if it were nothing.

ahhaha, i love phoenix.

Hands

It seems to me that the world is abound with so many problems right now.
I don't pray but from the deepest place of my heart, I hope someday all these natural disasters will cease. But alas, they won't. The Earth must be experiencing some incredible change seismically. What can we do?
Yet in the midst of the change that is happening around the earth, the power of social networking has invariably brought people together. Humanity will strive through these hard times...RIP to all the victims of the quake. And to all the martyrs who fought for freedom in their countries namely Libya and Egypt. Progression is occurring. We're stepping into a different world to the one we were born into. In some ways, I feel proud for those tearing down dictatorships yet saddened for those who've died.

Times like these, my motivation to become someone who can lend a hand increases. I hope I will make it and someday, help out...as small as that sounds.

Uni.

University has been really really darn tiring and I always find myself falling asleep before 10:00pm hits. Physiotherapy is an interesting course, I like learning about the body systems but I find anatomy overwhelming and something that has to be done by rote learning. And the amount of content to learn in such a small space of time is just insane. I think I have covered a key part of the preliminary PDHPE module as well as some parts of Biology already. And its not even the end of the 2nd week yet. What?

I had my first anatomy class last Thursday and given the hype on how some people spaz and freak out before seeing parts of a cadaver, I suppose viewing the body parts for me was okay. It was odd at first, seeing the thumb of the hand but then I got over it, viewing the part as a piece of...well, tough leathery meat. But the main source of concern was the overbearing smell. Although I do feel hungry after I have anatomy for reasons I don't know why. They say its the chemical they use to preserve the bodies and I've searched it up but haven't found any reputable source backing up that rumour.

Anyway, apparently a dude threatened to commit suicide at Petersham today. I suppose its a good thing that cityrail halted services to save the man's life but the shutdown at Petersham led to major delays on so many other lines. It was very frustrating to wait on the platform for 30+ minutes or more when the service was scheduled to arrive in 2 minutes as I first stepped into the station. The incident truly reflects how flawed our public transport system really is and even if Liberal were elected into State Parliament, it will be so hard to fix such a horrendous rail line. Take for examples in both Paris, London and Hong Kong. Hong Kong has glass doors separating the platform from the rail line so suicide attempts are near impossible. Paris and London; oh their metro lines are amazingly connected in so many different directions...so that if there was some major incident at any station, detours via other stations are possible. Though with the population of Sydney only standing at around 4 - 5 million, it wouldn't be viable to adapt any of the aforementioned city's railway networks. I guess we'll just have to put up with it.

Ceremony

Possibly one of the best covers of New Order/Joy Division.
- Amazing guitars. Darn, I love post punk
Long live the legacy.

Everything is Everything

It always stuns me with how fast time really flies. It's been a year since I saw Phoenix and right now, if it were 2010, I'd be in Legal Studies in computer room 1 and trying in vain to finish my research. I'd probably be procrastinating as well and talking to Kelly, also procrastinating. The memory I have of that day is so vivid, particularly because it was so fun. Then I'd be training home, texting Vivien cause I freaked out whilst I waited for Cecilia to get to my house so we could train it to Milson's Point. Whilst waiting on the platform, I grabbed my chemistry notes out to study whilst she started talking about History & Memory and English. The train ride was filled with excitement and I can fondly recall that that day was pleasant (weather wise) and the sunset was most beautiful. Noone had arrived once we got to Luna Park so we ventured near the harbour and talked...and I sat there looking up at the sky, wondering what uni would be like and what would eventuate by the end of the year. The others arrived as well - somewhat met with some awkward silences since I only knew 2 of them and the others were new friends but really amazing people now that I think of it.

I remember going into the venue and feeling very nervous - but the nervousness was eased as the support band starting playing; music has this tendency to relax I reckon. The support band, Papa vs Pretty were actually pretty darn awful and once they announced they were playing, 'Wrecking Ball', I immediately made a connection to Interpol's song and thought they were covering the song; alas, they weren't and I can fondly recall our cheering once they announced they were onto their last song.

The wait for Phoenix was long and grueling and terribly exciting. We stood there whilst the sets were changed and as the clocks were ticking onto 9:00pm, I don't think the crowd could really hold in their excitement any longer. I was yearning for them to pop out and at the most unexpected moment, the lights dimmed whilst the opening for 'Lisztomania' churned out from the speakers; the concert was on. From the force of the crowd pushing and shoving, it was hard to stay with friends and I deviated away from a few in my concert clan and tried in vain to keep my head up in that immensely exciting moment. Phoenix were amazingly tight and sound exactly the same as they do on record. I spent the night in the Big Top, looking at the strobe lights, listening to the glorious music and felt on a high - one that was induced by the melodies of Phoenix's songs.

At the end of the night, I suppose we were all stuck in a euphoric high. The rest of the concert clan went off to buy merchandise leaving myself and another friend standing around and chatting. He was very nice, offering to buy the tshirt for me on eBay or something since I didn't have any money but I really didn't want to bother him. Though now, after a year and browsing around Phoenix's webstore, I really want to buy a shirt. Then off we got out of the venue and to the convenience store...Haha, I still remember one of them buying Orange juice cause they are obsessed with that stuff...And I was deliberating whether to buy some soda or a bottle of water and opted for the latter instead, to rehydrate my very wet and tired self.

Looking at Sydney Harbour at night from the position of the Luna Park is magical. Even when you're on a shitty CityRail platform i.e. Milson's Point, you can't help but wonder why is this all so beautiful and feel that world is truly amazing and big. Everything is Everything. (ha!)

And so the journey home via CityRail...we read past MXes and laughed all the way home. We were tired, worn and still euphoric.

I never wrote up a long extensive post of that night here; only complementing the post of the event with a few images and videos of the night. I wonder why I was so nervous going to the concert in the first place - though I can recall feeling reckless since I was going to a concert right before school assessments. And the chemistry and english I was studying on the train? It's true when they say that once you're out of HSC, you realise that it was all a breeze and a gentle one too. The memory of that night is still crystal clear in my mind, I just never really wrote it down online. And here it is, scribed on my blog with permanent internet ink. May that memory never fade.