(hanging) by a moment.

These days I'm becoming more and more nostalgic.

The new year is coming. I'm looking back at what has happened. There are times when life plays out in your head like an episode after one another. Perhaps it would be better that way, at least there would be a more cement way of reliving moments for memory is poor and pieces of the past chip away as time progresses. Soon the memory will only be recalled in some fantastical way, with some moments added in, the important bits remaining and the petty bits completely dreamed up.

Life last year on this exact day was different. It was only beginning for me. I still remember .. that exact look on your face. What you said. Everything.

2013. I'm scared it will become a year where I'll spend everyday looking at the calendar and trying to recall what happened on that exact day in 2012. The days of 2012 were spent looking forward to what else life could throw at me. The nostalgia and the sentimentality of 2012 will really leave me in ruins, there has to be some way where I can just live in the present. The music that I listened to throughout 2012 should be replaced, for they only spark up certain feelings at certain times. Carla Bruni.. oh how you make my heart burn and long for that exact moment when I felt like life finally happened. Katy Perry, for unleashing a stronger me. Ellie Goulding, for everything.

Dreams were made and lost. Reality hit home harder than expected. 

This was a year of... 

Light All My Lights - Seeker Lover Keeper

This song will be the song I will remember 2012 by. 

The first time I heard this song was before the worst, before anything happened, before everything changed. It was the last calm before the storm...

We were sitting in the car, driving home from Bondi Junction after a long day of hanging out... The day was gruelling hot, stinking even, for I never anticipated the heat but instead brought my checkered cardigan along. It poured as we left Bondi, much to our surprise but to relief as the warm August day reverted to the norm as to being chilly instead. 

It was truly the day before absolute change. 

This was the day before life progressed to the next level for you, preparing you for full time work, before she broke off a relationship that was strong for her and well, for our other friend, before the phase where she would realise that there were other people in the world. As for me, I was content in my world, enjoying the company of everyone, thinking that this...was the life. Little did I know that that day marked the end for a new beginning in all our lives. I would go off to admitting feelings, she would go off to meet her current boyfriend and ultimately be exiled from the group's lives, our other friend would settle for a period of downtime with her boyfriend and you, well... in some way, you didn't change then...But from my eyes I thought life took hold of you because you suddenly became so busy and you found some other new friends along the way out to creating the current you. 

As 'Light All My Lights' played, the car's windscreen wipers were on the maximal speed and I sat in the backseat, thinking about how I would remember that exact moment every time I hear this song...and I wasn't wrong. I looked out the window and saw the magnificent city we lived in and all the rain that drenched it and thought to myself that it couldn't get any better. Inside that car were four souls, our lives were all interconnected at that moment. We were four great friends, all seemingly content though perhaps, we were all hiding a part of ourselves that would soon be revealed. 

And now in the present I still maintain connections to all of you. ....Can it be the way it was?

Time changes everything. People make decisions and then hurt one another. Lack of foresight complicate things. Trust is easily traded away for acceptance as part of the norm, part of the popular opinion. 

Times like these will never happen again, much to my dismay. For most have all moved on, except for one...and I suppose that's me. Fabulous memories like these ignite a flame inside and looking back, it is truly bittersweet to recall everything. And all this time I was wondering why you were the way you were. 

I understand now. 

yo-lo

After several attempts to actually start writing a blog post then having it being abandoned due to sheer laziness or perhaps a lack of things to say, here I am being ever so adamant to write about life itself. I haven't blogged all month, ever since that time when I was so heartbroken and all. I think it is safe to say that I no longer feel broken or anything in fact, life is just passing by and I am fine.

December always feels like a fun month, no matter what year it is. It's the time when everyone is preparing to go on extended holidays and well, feels like everything is ending. 2012 has been such an odd year, one that I'll remember as having to grow up in many ways. I learnt a lot, made many new friends...and if I look back at this time last year, things have certainly changed and I wouldn't be able to have envisioned my current life as it is. But you know, that's life. You make a small decision at some point and down the track, that small decision would be so ever pivotal and influential to your life... I'm not sure if I can remember much of 2011 these days given the intensity of the situations experienced this year. It has been full on and absolutely crazy but maybe that's how I like it.

There will be times when you find something absolutely amazing but maybe the timing just isn't right. But you can't help but notice how fate keeps twisting itself. Perhaps you shouldn't look too much into it, because wanting to control how life unfolds will only result in a disappointment of how life isn't happening as it should do so.

2012 - YOLO.

Loner

I never go straight home after uni anymore. The days of first year where I longed to get out of Cumbo and back home as soon as possible are long gone. These days I just take myself out to do things that are supposed to make me happy and yet, it usually results in a sense of disappointment because I tend to overthink things and the vicious cycle simply continues. 

Today I went to eat the strawberry and watermelon cake. It surely is delicious and sweet, bitterly so to be exact. I sat on the wooden stools on the street, watching the rain sprinkle down onto the pavement. The air was somewhat colder than the weather we had experienced as of late, the clouds obscured the sky. There I was, a lone figure on Australia St watching the world pass me by. Everyone seemed to be engaged with their lives or perhaps in the company of someone else, laughing, catching up, having a good time and then there was me, trapped inside my thoughts because I don't know how to articulate the sheer loneliness I feel at times. I'm not proud of being lonely, I don't think anyone can ever be. It's not something you choose but simply something that happens as of consequence of the choices you have made long before in life. There is a reason why I am the way I am today. 

If I could have told myself something in the past, I'd tell her to not take everything so seriously. Do teenager things. Be stupid. Have fun. Let loose. The maturity that you uphold isn't really that beneficial. I shoulda. I woulda. I coulda. Don't want to hear these words in my life ever again. 

And here I am, alone again drowning in my thoughts. Some are just blessed to have company around them all the time. I've not been one who had things ever to come so easily. I have to work for it, fight for it...they just don't come by. I wonder what the use of what I am going through is for me. Maybe it's helping me to grow into a different person. But whatever, being lonely...is not something a person chooses. Know that. 

(500) Days

Ask me my favourite scene in 500 Days of Summer and this will always be the answer. The scene where Tom and Summer are in the car driving off to the movies, where Tom unexpectedly asks Summer what their relationship status exactly is. Summer tells Tom that she doesn't know and that it doesn't matter, because that they're both happy. There's something beautiful and so frank about this scene that cements this as my favourite scene. It's like the calm before the storm. The dream that people live for...happy, carefree, young and beautiful. Their relationship at this stage was something admirable whilst Carla Bruni's Quelqu'un M'a Dit plays in the background... even though I honestly only started to listen to this song repetitively this year, it somehow makes me feel so nostalgic for something...which I'm not sure of. Even though I have never experienced any relationship, it's really not hard to imagine for this to take place in reality.

Truth to be told, the whole movie breaks my heart. I'm not sure what can happen in life these days.

Revert

How is it even November already?

Ah, another nostalgic post from me again...but sorry can't help it. You know how songs take you back to a precise moment in time? Yeah, that happens to me a lot of the times. Carla Bruni's Quelqu'un M'a Dit takes me back to March, back to the time when I decided to actually give the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack a real listen, knowing it was so well collated and everything. This song struck me as it played over one of the most poignant scenes in the movie, where Tom and Summer are riding in the car and Tom asks her what their relationship exactly encompasses... But Summer says that she doesn't know and that they were having fun. Somehow, this scene comforts yet saddens me, only because moments are ever so fleeting and that things keep on changing because life happens. At that point in time, something exciting was happening in my life and I was wondering what would happen down the track. Now I'm in November. Much adversity has been faced but here I am, still living and standing strong and I hope so forevermore.

Ah, how relevant. iTunes shuffle always reads my mind...The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition is playing right now...yet another song off 500 Days of Summer.

I can recall that precise moment when I heard Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe. I was with my dad in McDonalds on Princes Highway and it was late at night, I was unhappy because of the lack of happiness I found with my studies and also, clouded with the misery of my thoughts. We went out for a drive in the city, hoping to lift my spirits of which it did. However in retrospect, the lifting of my sadness was mainly due to something else that happened, perhaps it got to do with the object of my affections.

April. The day before Anzac Day. Linkin Park's Shadow of the Day. I remember I felt rather reflective and this was the song that struck my mind. I kept listening to it because I wanted hope in my life, of which it gave me some temporarily. How could I ever forget Katy Perry's Part of Me coupled with Kelly Clarkson's What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)? Those were the songs that I made my anthems for about a week because I had been led to believe in something that wasn't really there...but other things happened to convey more hope...and perhaps leading up to disillusion. I deleted some memories from that time period as I heeded the advice of a friend. I really wish I hadn't. (Never Let Me Go)

Take me to May. What was the soundtrack then? Ah. Flo Rida's Wild Ones. Finishing placement was one of the highlights of the year. I will never forget interacting with real patients and being so privileged to listen to their stories and watch their gradual recovering leading up to discharge.
June 18-65. How funny are coincidences?

Sometimes my memory operates like a tv show. I feel like I can relive every situation I've ever been through in my head, recall that precise moment and the feelings associated with it. The coincidence. That was a moment when everything in the world didn't matter, like life was finally taking shape and I was truly invincible. Because nothing ever so magical happened before in my life and as I was there with you. Of course, moments like these are fleeting but I thought that's when it all began. Truly. I've wasted half the day thinking about the past. Mm.

I always find that July is forever magical no matter what year it is. However, as there is a high there is always a low. Maybe because it's the month of my birthday and so everything seems to be so idealised. I don't know...and the quality of my writing has diminished as of late. But that's what happens when your mind is all over the place. Oh life. What are you?

Where Does Love Go When It Dies?

I could never write anything as beautiful as this...but this article captures what I think. What happens to those feelings when people drift apart? Not even in just relationships (something I have thus far not experienced) but in friendships that were once held so dear. How can the feelings that were once so intense just vanish away into thin air? It's weird but it happens. You make a pact that you will remain best friends until the day you die and yet you only remain best friends till the day you leave primary school. People move in and out of your life, it's somewhat inevitable.

Post by Chelsea Fagan from Thought Catalog.

"There was a friend you saw every day when you were little. They were the friend with whom you built forts, told scary stories (trying not to fall asleep first), and ran around in the neighborhood until you had to come in for dinner. (Five more minutes, mom, please?) All of the most thrilling, scary, confusing parts of growing up and navigating a world three sizes too big for you seemed manageable with them, almost an adventure. Catching fireflies and wiggling around in sleeping bags, setting up a tent in your backyard, seemed like the stuff of a dangerous safari. You were sure you could catch a lion together, if only provided the proper equipment.
But things happened. You moved away, or they did, or seeing each other just got too hard. Even a simple change of school can do it. Before you know it, you’re an actual adult, and the person who knew you best for such an enormous part of your life — the only person with whom you share such an extraordinary quantity of childhood memories — is gone. You remember the first few months after you two were separated. You recreated all the little things you used to do together, spending hours up in the tree fort by yourself, hoping that you’d be enough to make the magic again. And one day you realize that there was just a certain kind of magic that existed between the two of you, at that time, in that small neighborhood, with those fireflies. It’s not that you’re not enough; it’s just gone.
_____
There was the person who taught you how to love. The person with whom you felt more alive and real and full than you ever imagined possible, who seemed to love even the dark, ugly corners of yourself you were constantly trying to squirrel away. They licked your wounds and told you that you were beautiful. They took you on adventures that didn’t even require you leaving your house. Between the bedroom, the kitchen, and the plush, perfect couch, you existed in a kind of seclusion from everything else in the world. You didn’t need anyone else. You lost entire days kissing, talking, laughing in the car holding hands over the stick shift. You remember the things they showed you, things you were certain that no other human had ever been privy to, things that seemed too beautiful to look at directly. With them, you were some kind of royalty, protected from the ugliness of the world outside.
But things happened. And one night, you found yourselves at the rough, tattered end of a conversation that spanned several hours and had clearly been overdue for weeks. You had both said things that stung, that made you question whether or not this was all some sort of mirage, that you could have imagined such a beautiful interlude out of such a crippling need to feel loved in some way. You can feel the tears welling up and burning the corners of your eyes, but had promised yourself a thousand times before arriving that, no, you would not cry tonight. But you do cry. And they cry. And you hold each other and cry. But in the morning, it’s still over. It’s gone.
_____
There was the friend with whom you came of age. Learning how to kiss, how to sneak a beer, how to run away quickly if you heard an authority figure coming — they made the education seem easy, even comfortable, learning everything by your side. You swapped tips, you grew, you started to figure out life in a way that adulthood would eventually demand. You started to understand what it meant to save money, to make hard choices, to worry about your future. Without realizing you were doing it, the two of you held hands and waved goodbye to the childhood that was clearly fading into your past. Though the future was scary, unclear, and full of all the tedium you knew would wear on your spirit; knowing that someone just like you was taking the step as well made it alright. “Everything is gonna change,” you would whisper at night, staring up at the stars, passing a single bottle between the two of you. “I know,” they would reply. And you knew, just knew, that it would always be the two of you seeing the change together.
But things happened. You had failed to account for the changes that would literally pull you in different directions, that would make you a sort of new person, that would leave one or the other longing to forget about their wild days before adulthood and everything that came with it. From distance, emotional or geographic, the rate at which you come together to share everything dwindles to nothingness. Eventually, it’s been too long to just call them back. Things have become strange, and there’s a certain metallic taste in your mouth when you think of the memories that have nearly evaporated into thin air behind you.
_____
Where do these people go? What do they do? Is there some kind of colony in which they all live together, holding hands and thinking of the time they spent with you? Of course not, that would be ridiculous. People are whole entities with their own struggles and histories and reasons for not calling back, and they can’t spend the rest of their lives thinking about how great it was when you two were together. But it was great, wasn’t it? And the idea that they can go a whole lifetime without ever looking back and feeling that aching, sinking feeling in their stomach, that crippling nostalgia — it’s almost worse than the ending itself. The separation is so much more bearable when you know that you both look back fondly, and would always want to meet for a coffee, should the occasion arise.
Just because you two are no longer the comic book duo that you once were doesn’t mean that you don’t want to see a Christmas card from their new family, or hear about their big move, or find out whatever became of their incredible talent for drawing. This isn’t about a broken heart. A broken heart implies a kind of shattering, a searching the hardwood floor for pieces that might have gotten lost under the couch. Yours isn’t broken, it’s long-since been patched together and, despite the occasional stutter, functions quite well. This is about a heart that aches with memories too big for its fragile little form, that is bursting on all sides from love that longs to be accepted, to at least be vocalized. This is a heart that dies a slow, quiet death from this awful need we have to pretend as though something never existed the second that it is over.
And where does this love go? Because it’s impossible to believe that it simply ceases to be a part of our universe, that it falls into some pinprick-sized black hole and no longer floats amongst us, making the world brighter for its once having existed. Things are better because you caught fireflies in your back yard, because you kissed under a blanket with your hands on their chest, because you drove around in circles in your parents’ car, blasting music. This love must still exist somewhere, transmuting into more love and better love and love for people who haven’t yet felt it. It must be there, because you still remember it.
Maybe we just need to hear that they do, too.

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/where-does-love-go-when-it-dies/#ym87SvUkIEXdHWll.99 "

Life

From being wholeheartedly inspired to take on this year at the end of last year with my studies and all...I suppose what life threw at me resulted in me being somewhat distracted and less concentrated with my career. I just wanted to get by, realising that there is more to life than simply a career that perhaps everything else is just waiting to happen.

But then I realise...that the desire to find the ultimate dream career still hasn't gone. Surely, physiotherapy is simply not my forte but 2 years into it, I think I will have to just simply complete it because it would be a waste of time if I didn't. They say that if you want something ever so badly, you will ultimately find a way into it. Clinical placement made me realise that what I am doing is totally worthwhile because seeing patients recovering and gain increased ranges in their motion was inspiring. However, was that really what I was interested in? Looking back, the whole year of 2010 was just me focused on achieving a high UMAT score and therefore, be able to enter medicine... However, I knew intrinsically within that it wouldn't be easy for me because...my brain just doesn't work the UMAT way. Haha, there's no use in blaming but I just had no talent for that stuff. Nevertheless, I hope to see some light in what I want to do in the future, whether it will still be in the medical profession or not, we'll just have to see what the next obstacle life throws at me.

I think that these days, I am more than capable with handling sticky situations. Sure they aren't always ideal but at least I have had some experience now. I should be fine. Oh I do hope so.

And I really want a tattoo along my spine.

October.

These days I'm learning to grow up. Mum has been overseas with my brother for nearly a month now (due to family issues) and honestly, it's just so empty without her. Sometimes I don't know where to go and in fact I feel like a lost little girl. I suppose what I'm yearning is just for my mum to come home because I miss her so much...

It scares me to face the fact that everyone around me are also growing up. Love, sex, relationships, jobs, uni, careers...stretching out to newer horizons...seems like these issues are all that I hear about as late. Your late teens and early twenties are when you're most volatile to changes and everyone is ditching the naive persona that once enclaved them emancipating to real young adults. As I caught up with some friends, I had realised that I was probably the only few left with an idealised perception of relationships these days. Some are moving too fast with their significant others, other people seem to have been dating on and off regularly. And here, after experiencing something that really threw me off course last month, I still haven't really understood how people truly treat relationships with others and how complex it truly is.

The house is so empty right now. It's only me who's here...my sister still hasn't come home from work yet either. And Transatlanticism is playing in the background as thoughts just flow through my head translating to typed out words from my fingertips... I don't know how to be ever truly happy I suppose. I'm stuck between needing to grow up or staying in my idealised world where everything is simply skewed to my perceptions. Why do people grow up? Why do relationships have to encompass such a broad range of emotions? I don't understand what draws two people together. I feel like an outsider in this living world and all I really want to is be 5 years old again, oblivious to the world and be able to sink into my parent's arms after a full day of living and playing, as if nothing else ever mattered.

I feel so small.

Revival.

Sometimes things have to be done, that they are inevitable happenings. If you haven't done it, you simply would never see the light out. And so that was how I felt better. 

These days there are moments when I feel sad but they are very fleeting. They come by and I acknowledge its presence but I don't let the feeling dictate what I should next or anything. 

In the end, I have learnt that in life that it is good to sometimes just let the way things be. Controlling every aspect meticulously will not only be annoying but will sometimes have the results that you so do not desire. With this whole episode I have learnt so much and feel like I have done some personal growth...

I had also cut my hair to signal this change. Only because it was the next logical step. 

And below is a picture of me trying on a Lover dress....Always a Lover dress.

Fkn Lover. Lulz. 

Wake up, Love.

You shan't be too hard on yourself...just live it and absorb everything in.
You'll be okay.

Sometimes you wake up.
And you feel like death.

Summertime Sadness.

It's the 3rd week back at uni and yet I can't really register it because my mind is always elsewhere, like it has always been for the past year anyway. Oddly enough, education has dropped off my list of priorities. Yes, there are times when I'm just wishing that I could go the further extent of learning everything at uni but these days, living in a fantasy world just seems more ideal. 

I'm still making mistakes these days. I know the right answers as to what to do with a particular person but attachment, that's something I can't shake nor skirt around. It hurts because I know I'm just killing myself, making myself stuck in this never ending loop of self pitying. 

I nearly told him. Somewhat like a confession about every-fucking-thing that has been plaguing my mind and how I really don't know what else to do anymore. But I didn't because I was too afraid of the repercussions. Was it too early? When is the right time to tell someone anything about them...?

I'm tired.

Movies

I watched The Dark Knight Rises again at the cinemas for a 2nd time. The first occasion was on my actual birthday where I really couldn't think of anything better to do other than by watching TDKR and seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt on the screens.

The movie simply blew me away and is easily one of the best movies I have seen all year, taking into consideration that I do believe I have seen quite many to count. This year is truly a year of comic book films, hailing with the ever so popular The Avengers that kicked started it all.. Then it was The Amazing Spiderman which in my opinion was absolutely subpar, there was absolutely no magic in the film except it being a teen romance flick that included elements of superheroes within it. And the Avengers, despite really liking it at the time I watched it, upon reevalation, it was good for it being so lighthearted but ... in comparison to TDKR, it was just lacking.

So because I was simply so taken aback by Christopher Nolan's epic conclusion to the Batman trilogy, I saw it again by myself. Yes, by myself...in the cinemas. Perhaps I should really stop doing things myself because in all honesty, it just simply suggests elements of being forever alone. But fuck it, it was Batman and upon viewing it the second time, I think I am seriously becoming more and more obsessed with this epic piece of work. I am just so drawn to this world of film making and seriously wish I could spend my life watching films forever. Chris Nolan's statement upon the Colorado shootings talking about how the theatre is a sacred place, where dreams are projected upon the screen seemed rather outlandish at first...but now in the state that I am where I am just so amazed by all the movies I have seen, I finally get it. The world of movies is just so fascinating...whether it being watching the deterioration of someone's relationship in (500) Days of Summer to the fantastical dream world of Inception or reaching out to the craziness that is Blade Runner...I just fucking love movies.

Movies serve as a solace to some place else... In a world where things don't seem to working out in my life, I live everything through the films I watch nowadays. Perhaps that is a form of therapy in the form of escapism from mundane real life.

And then I also am listening to the OST. All these feels. FUCK! I love movies.

Also, a fuck you to those people who only really talk to me because they are bored and fucking requesting for something. What I feel is that I have perhaps most likely been led on to no end because I am a girl who simply feels too much about everything and can easily misinterpret subtle signs of flirting as real interest. Stop being so fucking naive and get a move on with life. Yeah.

This city's here for you.

I have not heard anything so moving and touching in such a long time. This song is reminiscent of something I have heard before...but cannot really verbalise what. But all I know is that I adore this song and I can't stop listening to it.

Bloc Party are back! And I am squealing like I massive fan girl...

And hey, it's August already. How did this happen?
No idea.

imagery......

I roll the window down

And then begin to breathe in

The darkest country road

And the strong scent of evergreen

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

Then looking upwards

I strain my eyes

And try to tell the difference

Between shooting stars and satellites

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home

"Do they collide?"

I ask and you smile

With my feet on the dash

The world doesn't matter

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

When you need directions then I'll be the guide

For all time

For all time

no it's not alright, regina.

Bipolar. 

If 2012 was to end now, that's what I would say about the year. I need to know how to help myself by keeping calm and knowing how to stay sane in a world that is proving more and more complex than the one I was used to. I love my friends, I really do. And it warms me to such an amazing degree to know that they care about me whenever I am down or experiencing problems that I have had ever since the beginning of the year. But today I got thinking and realise that I am truly stepping into near adulthood. I'm expected to know better than this, that the sugar coating of all situations that happened in my younger years are never present anymore. Every day is a hardcore tumble of brutal realities that you must face with advice that are direct and straight to the point, because your friends don't want to see you suffering. When it hurts to hear, you know its right. 

It has been seven months ever since I started to feel anything for anyone. Seven months ever since I thought that 2012 may hail some new beginnings. I remember asking myself...Will this be the year? Will I start living? What will I feel by the end of the year? 

I have started to live but living something I didn't anticipate. It has been a year filled with extreme emotions oscillating from extreme happiness to terrible downs that I do not know how to deal with. Sometimes you think life will bring you the good stuff that you just hope it wil stay that way forever, but life is never that simple m'darling. I believe thats what you call being naive.  

If there is anything I know...it's that I may be brilliant at performing well in academic conditions, perhaps a great conversationalist even...but absolutely hopeless in picking up that I have been led on to no end and completely naive in believing that simple actions could be misinterpreted as romantic gestures. I hate myself. I really do. Because believe it or not, ever since I was a young girl, all that really fascinated me were just my crushes on random boys in my classes...and in high school, that's all I'd daydream about. I suppose every teenage girl does that but I have always been too fucking shy to admit that I have ever liked anyone. Cause I'll get stares, laughs and just dismissals as being too trivial. I need to braver and more fearless. Because these days, it just feels like I'm trying to avoid sinking into the void of nothing. 

And what I have learnt in 2012 is that I am highly sensitive and highly emotional. That everything in my world revolves around feeling. . . Why is it that I am so obsessed with something that feels like it has never been there? I don't know darling, I don't know. 

Falling...and falling.

I keep on falling .

18 - 19

Tomorrow will be my 19th. Today/Tonight will be a party that I am throwing for it. I'm nervous, I haven't really done this and it's way out of my comfort zone. The reason for why I am having it is rather  stupid as well. Because if the year didn't eventuate the way it did, I would just simply be having a quiet day at home.

How much does a year change things? A lot. Perhaps not change. But time brings about new things into life and circumstances change. Maybe you meet new people and lose some along the way.

I can't seem to write anymore. I used to have so much to write but maybe it's because these days I just tell myself to stop overthinking to the point that it seems like trying to write every thought down is simply futile. But that doesn't mean I'm okay either. Coping. Is that the right word for anything? Or is that the right attitude for anything? No. But it gets you on with life so why not?

This scares me.

And I don't know how to act.

Why do I act in such a particular manner to people whom I like? I don't understand why I just shy away  in a face of sarcasm and utter bluntness. I just don't know how to act I guess.

I watched Brave today...in the cinemas by myself amongst a bunch of holidaying school kids. I want to brave. I am not brave enough, that's something I know. I don't know how to be brave because I just want to curl into my cocoon and just shy away from everything. But there's one thing that I've learnt... that feeling is so intrinsically human. It's how you feel, not fucking rocket science. And there isn't a fault in feeling.

Should I be brave and just act on whatever I feel? I don't know, has that ever brought anyone any good?

oh simple thing//

im so sorry for writing the same thing over and over again on this blog...but i don't know how else to voice my anxieties, fears and confusions. 

did we talk that day? i don't remember. but it was a cold night and i remember thinking about everything that has happened over and over again, wondering what had happened as of late for this to disintegrate steadily into nothing. someone told me to drop all the shit in my life, to move on and stop thinking and thinking, for thinking is a curse that only does harm.

the previous time we were there, it was recognised that life was nothing but coincidence. i guess you said that because you simply didn't want anything to do with me anymore...but simply regard everything as mere coincidence. i tried to not think of whatever that plagued my mind as much, moving on...not caring. and then we were there again on another day, much to my delight. were you happy? i don't know, sometimes i get the feeling that you care and other times i know you don't see what i see in us. this terrible thing called us, which i thought would happen but now, it's more likely going to be just 'i'. 

i know there are some moments in life that you have got to seize and knowing that, that time we were together, i decided to seize the moment. to my surprise, you weren't reluctant and you listened to what i wanted. it was a rare moment, i'm not sure if it will happen again because you're never sure with me...or it appears to me that you're always shunning me. whatever the case, i wish that that moment wouldn't be the first and last time but knowing everything that happens in my life, it might be anyway. 

i hate how you ignore me. i hate how you act so cool to me, it's almost emotionless. i sometimes wonder whether you even acknowledge me as your friend...because the way things are, the attitude you exude makes me feel otherwise, that i'm not even a friend to you. and so the ever looping realm of confusion strikes again...how many times have i been here? too many. 

humans are complicated creatures...so social and so afraid of loneliness. i like to be alone but i hate being lonely, they're two completely different things. and in this rampant world, it feels like the world falls apart sometimes. there are times when you are completely overwhelmed with life, that you seek solace in the comfort of your friends. and then you lose your mind unaware of what you have done... realising that perhaps feeling whatever you felt was a mistake. one thing i can say is...that physical affection is nice, but it's fundamentally empty when you don't see the person involved in that way. this happened ages ago precisely in early may, and i didn't ever feel like writing about it, because.. well, the fling or whatever it's called nowadays was a mistake on my part as well. empty feelings, loads of physical affection. and yet, at that moment....there wasn't much else i could think of other than just the person i have been pining for in the last 6 months. just a little acceptance, perhaps a little acknowledgement would be fine. . .

how can you miss someone who doesn't even miss you? I don't know. But it's possible.
I believe I had fallen. Hard. 

One last exam tomorrow... 4 exams consecutively have been really draining... I am so tired. I am yearning for sleep and to do something else other than studying.
Wish me luck.
One more. One last one for this semester.

This semester has been so bipolar. I would like some consistency next semester...I hope so.

The Writer - Ellie Goulding.

Sat on your sofa...it's all broken springs
This isn't the place for those violin strings
I try out a smile and I aim it at you
You must have missed it
You always do


But I've got a plan
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?
Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?
Because I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask... won't you try to help me?

Hello.

Disengaging from this telecommunications world is rather hard. I mean, how would I know what shift I have at work if I completely turned off my phone? Or perhaps, how to tell my friends that I'm just going to try and drop off the radar for a while... 

I feel dead. I don't even know if that's the right term to describe how I feel. I guess it's more like an amalgamation of just not wanting to try anymore due to sheer lethargy and perhaps even more that I don't know what it means to be completely happy anymore. I tried to feel happiness today by purchasing something...yeah, I bought 500 Days of Summer on DVD as it was on sale. That happiness of purchasing was transient, didn't last for long but it surely gave me a kick. And then it was nail polish. That lasted longer until I applied it and then it was just yeah, I felt a bit drabby. That's not a word, but that encapsulates how I feel. 

This blog is somewhat chronicling the downward spiral of me. Actually, more like the epic highs with the epic lows, am I somewhat bipolar? Mildly perhaps. I don't know, there is probably something wrong with me. 

Goodbye. 

Crushed.

How does love ever happen? I don't know how other people do it. But some get it right, others spend their lives trying to figure how to make it happen. I think I am far too naive on the topic of love because I don't know whether I will have the privilege of being loved in return. This shit is far too cheesy. But I don't give a fuck because this is my blog and I will write whatever I please.

Yeah I don't know. When I joke how I repel people and fuck all, I actually believe it. Because despite my meagre 18 year existence, I haven't really felt anything from anyone else before. It's all just out of vain from me. I don't even fucking know what I am writing now, but I feel like crap. Liking someone but having no idea how to tell them or any idea what they feel is just dog shit.

Fuck everything.

The Fog.

We feel nothing so jump into the fog.

Not a ramble post.

I went to eat at Newtown with Kelly last Friday. Went to Corridor Bar. It's really pretty.
I look very thrilled. Well, that's cause I was. Catching up is nice. And now I am home on a Friday night finishing up notes. What a life.
I played Oztag. We lost 6 - 8. Taking into consideration that girls score 2 points whenever they try. Haha... I didn't try...only tagged.
I got stressed on Wednesday night upon realising how much I had to do.
I caught the train and fell up the stairs at Hurstville. I was very embarrassed but it was okay.
I went to General Pants Co. and bought a pair of jeans. Why the fuck? Don't know. Don't ask me why. I just felt like spending money. And now I think I should return them cause I don't think they are worth the amount I paid for them.
Also felt really glum today. Yep. No random rambling reasoning why though. It's all a lil bit shitty. As always.
I ate Noggi and Wowcow. Both are good. I want froyo. They say its the new craze, kinda is. It's creamy and delicious. Yep.

tiny vessels?

i don't know how to put it....
but something's off.
and i don't know what.
it scares the shit out of me
and i get insecure.
if only i knew how to fix. but was it already broken to begin with? what happened here?
come on skinny love what happened here? pour a little salt we were never here......
my worst nightmares are coming true.
i'm so tired.

Augustine.

You know what? I think people tend to settle for mediocrity because it's easy. It's not bad nor is it any good so we just choose the easiest way out and just accept for what it is. 

I've always been a person who believed in passion, follow your heart and do not give in to what others say you cannot do, because this is your life and if you don't believe, who else is gonna help you? No one. But lately, mediocrity has got to me in the sense that I am starting to budge into whatever is easiest and that I've been losing that inspiration I had with life before. I don't know, does it mean I am growing up? Growing up to realising that life really doesn't behave the way you want it to sometimes and therefore, you just learn to accept whatever you have and move on with life. 

Sometimes, I don't feel as much anymore. I really don't hope to sound like the biggest drama queen...but in all honesty, as of late, I've been disappointed repeatedly, it just never seems to stop ending. The amount of disappointments and bad things just outweigh the good immensely and then I start to resolve that it must be me that is the problem. Well, what other problem could it be? Because it is my life that I am living and all the choices that I make are inevitably going to influence it in one way or another. There are also times when I just wish I was another person for once, maybe like a normal Asian girl or something. That sounds selfish because everyone has their own problems and there goes the saying where if we all chucked our problems into one pile, we'd take them all back. True. But it'd be nice to take a break from these problems we all had and see things from another perspective. That's the poison of the mind, we're all individuals and hence, we can never see the other way out as easily as others can. 

I am still resenting technology. I have been quite extreme with it all to be quite frank. I wish I never yearned for an iPhone because I just hate technology with so much of a passion, it's destroying all meaningful relationships and everything good about life. It disgusts me how hopelessly I am addicted to technology, to my iPhone even because I am just so yearning to be connected to everyone. And yet ironically, I feel disconnected because of this connection. Annoying. 

Attitude

Florence + the Machine at the Sydney Entertainment Centre.

Ethereal and flawless are the words to describe Florence's performances.

Irony

How ironic is it that with technology we are so connected yet even more isolated at the very moment?There are sometimes these impulses that I have with looking at my phone. And when I see no notifications, I feel a little sunken, perhaps a little annoyed even. With the onslaught of technological applications, it's inevitable that we yearn to be connected to the people around us. But what if we're just too connected that it somehow becomes overwhelming even? Yeah, I think that actually happens. Sometimes I just wish I could turn off my phone or maybe purposely leave it at home one day...but then the consequences of it are not ideal. My mother would freak out, not knowing where I was and if I simply just turn off my phone...I can't simply do my assignment because my uni mates cannot find me. I tried deleting facebook for a few days but that didn't work out in the long run because the primary means of contacting my uni friends was via facebook for our assignment. It just seems that the dependence on technology has resulted it being so hard to actually stop using it. We're simply addicted to these services, that it has become ingrained to our subconscious...we're just slaves to networking.

Sometimes I wish I could just flee away from networking, drop all connections that I have with everyone whom I currently talk to on all these platforms and ignore. It's just that despite the connection, there are those highly useful tools of allowing you to detect that you are indeed being isolated despite having the conversation flow with them. Like Whatsapp, you can see when the contact was last online and thenceforth, you can assume when they've read your stuff. In most cases, it's really nothing but there's this element of paranoia where you think you are being ignored. It could be true anyway. And then comes facebook...it's terribly hard to evade checking facebook... I think the more you go on, the more you feel isolated because you just observe pictures of others going about with their lives and you wonder what you are doing on a Friday, clicking through all their pictures. Doesn't seem very inviting innit?

Technology is a great and a bad thing. It's hard to know what stance I take. I love it because it has helped us learn more about the world and have luxuries our ancestors could only ever dream of. And yet, it has helped tarnish the sentimentality of written correspondence, be it letters or just simple notes. Letter writing has dropped off the radar...only the romantics think of it nowadays. I still have high regard for writing and I honestly wish I could...but I just don't know who to. I still have that pack of brown envelopes sitting in my drawer. It's unused and I desperately wish there was someone to mail. I remember watching Midnight in Paris and that the main message in that film is that we will always fantasise a different era as the very best. We need to live in the present though, because that's what we're presented with. But it's hard to think about those days when lovers used to send each other letters...waiting by the letterbox and ripping open the letter one had been yearning for days. What a feeling it must've been.

If I ever get a chance, I'll write...hopefully to someone who is worthy of it. Yah, that's me edging intense cheesiness and romantic-ness. Bugger, my English is declining exponentially. Nevertheless, I wonder who it will be. And I can only hope that they'd do the same. I think the world is lacking romance nowadays. Cliche complaints, but look at pop culture. Is there anything blowing us away with the incredible romance there is? Not really. I mean...srsly, look at our music. *shrugs* That's why as of late, I have had such urges to read Jane Austen and rewatch Pride + Prejudice... What sentimentality.

This post is written terribly...sorry. xx

Clinical Placement

I just finished my week long clinical placement at a hospital. It was honestly what I needed, something inspiring to get me into physiotherapy and after this, I don't think I am going to regret my course...in fact, it has sparked new life into what I thought was dull and irrelevant.

This past week has been the best week in my university study life thus far. Every element of it was just so exciting and I got so many opportunities to learn new things and experience real patients. I will never forget this first week at the hospital ever because it also made me realise how much I just loved the hospital setting. The structure of everything and how all the disciplines work together to formulate rehabilitation plans was just amazing. I remember volunteering at the hospital in year 12, thinking that I really wanted to be in the hospital. I then thought that perhaps my intense want to work there must have just been a passing thing because it looked cool. But not only that, this placement reinforced just how much I love it out of my heart and I just don't see myself working anywhere else. The hospital is the place...so exciting. Ah, everything. .. I'm just so excited that I am in the health field, it is seriously one of the best fields to get into because you get so much job satisfaction from it. I could never do anything focused on financial gain because that is not what I want.

What was the best on this placement was simply how much joy can be found in seeing patients actually improved. I was sent to an inpatient rehab facility through which most of the patients had orthopaedic procedures performed. Most of these patients were in their late 80s and early 90s so naturally, their range of motions were reduced and muscles have weakened. By seeing their day to day improvement, you realise how imperative your role is in their rehabilitation... So, health it is.

Life is unreal.

I went to Hurstville today, after not going there for ages. It's not the school holidays anymore, all the kids are back at school. It's so strange watching them, thinking they are all so old and stuff - that they are simply really mature. Looking back to when I was in year 12, I was honestly still rather timid. Those who didn't know me from school probably thought I was weird, something which I do acknowledge. To be honest, being weird and random is somewhat a defence mechanism for me, just something to hide behind because I am terribly shy. Do you know I'm shy? Well, there you have it, I am actually really shy to the point that I become someone I am not just to but on a facade that makes me seem stronger than usual. But dear blog reader, I'm feeling so honest tonight because I feel like I have nothing left, nothing to lose and so that's why I am writing this shit that no-one will really care about.

If I could choose again, I would choose everything differently and follow my heart. My outlook on life was always just to live it as full as possible because I had nothing holding me back. But then came senior years where the aspirations of others got to me and I was lured into the health field, having utmost desires to become a doctor. Till this very day, I still want it a lot but then I wonder if I had never thought of it this way, will I be doing physiotherapy now? Because in all honesty, I had never thought of medicine and the health field until I became inspired by someone I knew and therefore, started respecting them and what they did for which I thought they were truly inspirational. So if I could choose, I would tell younger me to stop being so persuaded by other's dreams and desires but to only follow what I truly believe in. 

High school days pass by so quickly. It's sometimes hard to realise that because you can only think of when it is all going to end. And it does. Nowadays I look back to high school with a certain sense of resistance and yet an overwhelming sense of bittersweet-ness. Is that even a word? I'm not sure. It's just that I realise how much St George had shaped me to be the person I am today...and I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I sometimes wonder if I chose another path...what if? What? What? Maybe I'd be different, a little happier really and perhaps well, maybe different. But choices define you. I wonder how big of a difference a choice I made in year 10 or 12 has impacted on me till this very day. It scares me to think how different my life could have been if I had done something a different way, perhaps even been less shy around people, especially boys. I don't know. 

Sometimes you just want to desperately be someone else because you are so sick of your own shoes. But then you must realise everyone has their own problems weighing them down. But I truly wonder why I am not like other girls, partying, loving life, being in their happy relationships, feeling pretty, looking girly, loving clubbing, buying short dresses, being skinny.... Honestly, sometimes I wish I was like that because at least it'd make me like other people and perhaps have different consequences happen because of that. 

I feel foolish to have crushed so hard on someone as of late. Clearly I still have so much to learn, that despite at one stage of my life when I felt invincible, as if I was incredibly mature....that in the end, I still have so many life lessons to learn. Life is only beginning, I wonder how many bad choices I have yet to make and how many times I will break my heart because I've crushed so hard - again and again. The first intense crush happened this year, it was crazy and made me go on highs and lows. But to be honest, I think this is all my fault...for I have been a believer that something good may happen and trusted that maybe this will be the first time that something real will happen. So it all lived in my head that instead of keeping my feet on the ground, my head was in the clouds. 

Oh Katie. Hopeless. 

hey i heard you were a wild one.

midsems have finally finished and goodness, that was a terrible week. well actually, lately things have been terrible but i'm coping cause that's life eh?

my music tastes have deviated a bit from the usual form...i've taken quite a liking to the stuff that is often heard on radio in particular flo rida's wild one ft sia. it's splendid and sia's voice is just achingly beautiful. and what else? well, today i realised that the word 'ache' is one of my faves cause it just encapsulates a shitload of emotion into one simple word...'ache'. looking at it makes me want to ache already. saying it makes me want to break as well. 

well, from what happened around 2 weeks ago, i think i'm okay. i'm still living, surviving and being me. i just have to learn to not be so affected by external things but simply just take life as it is. because life is truly unpredictable and nothing will ever go to plan if you plan yourself to death. well, certainly not in my situation. 

i have got to learn to stop being so goddamn naive and immature in thinking optimistically. do you know why i am a realist? simply because being optimistic gives false hope and too much of that will inevitably lead to utter disappointment. it's better to sever false hope before it gets you down so you won't be left so fking dry. i feel dry. yeah. yep yep....... gosh i promised myself that none of this shit will get to me but it is doing so. gahhhhhhhh... T_T

this is another pointless post for ignoring. yep. sorry.

Chilly

Why is it so freaking chilly today?
I woke up with condensation on my phone as I reached out for it.

Anyway, I can't wait till my exams are over.

But I don't know what to do after. Perhaps indulge in the movies I have accumulated. . . Sounds good?
Wish tomorrows test was my last but unfortunately I still have COM. Wish me luck please! :(

“I feel too much. That’s what’s going on. Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways? My insides don’t match up with my outsides. Do anyone’s insides and outsides match up? I don’t know. I’m only me. Maybe that’s what a person’s personality is: the difference between the inside and outside. ‘But it’s worse for me. I wonder if everyone thinks it’s worse for him. Probably. But it really is worse for me.”

- Jonathan Safran Foer

Today, you were far away.

Instead of studying, I had the brilliant idea of watching Warrior on the train home intending to stop at midway because I had to study for my upcoming exams. Yet I couldn't help but finish the whole movie because it was just so engaging that I found it hard not to watch it all. 

I'm not typically one who is into such fighting films because well, I don't really know much about the UFC or MMA. However, the movie not only showed a lot of fighting scenes but had a beautiful storyline and terribly fine acting that made it so accessible by well, myself even. 

I personally cannot stop listening to 'About Today' by The National now. That was played at the very last scene and captured the raw emotions so beautifully. I would advise you to watch it if you haven't because the movie is so well done and well, it doesn't exploit your emotions like other sympathy movies do, but the way that it led to the gradual build up was very human and very real. Yes, that's right. The refreshing aspect about this movie was just how raw everything was, untouched by the glitz and glamour that I am so used to seeing in movies today and hence, that's why I really enjoyed it. I would watch it again when I have time.

I can't wait until the end of mid-sem exams. I'm actually excited to start reading some books I bought because I am keen to further my knowledge into whatever interests me. There's this really quaint bookstore at the Rocks called 'Ariel Books' and I just love the atmosphere in there. The other day when it was raining like crazy, I popped by to collect a book I had ordered previously. I got off Circular Quay and walked at such a fast pace to the bookstore without an umbrella, just having the rain pelt my slightly heavy duty APC coat and splash my boots in the puddles that I really did not intend to walk into. It was freezing, perhaps I was rather underdressed and I listened to the melodies of The National as I did so encapsulating a mood that was melancholy at best. I power walked past tourists and 9to5 businessmen, as I was in a rush, keen to catch the train home after that arrived 15 minutes after I got off the previous service. To be blatantly honest, it felt rather lonely to be doing what I did and in the rain as well, as if my emotions were being reflected by the incredible outpour from the skies. But there may be a threshold of loneliness, that perhaps the dreary and perennial loneliness felt starts to become comforting...

It is evident that I am starting to listen too much of The National. 

High and Dry

Two jumps in a week I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?

There comes a point when you're just so exhausted emotionally that you realise that you cannot be bothered with the things that once made you elated. Because you lose hope and well, lose faith in people as well and realise that some things were simply in vain. Mm yes, I've been a fool lately. High and Dry is my song choice in such situations. Cause yeah, 'don't leave me high, don't leave me dry'... Indeed. Don't leave me feeling so high above the world and don't just drain me, leaving me dry? Actually, what I truly feel right now is just dryness. Apathy. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to give a fuck.

I think that's the saddest part of anything. When you just don't want to give a fuck. Cause you just give up.

Quequ'un M'a Dit

Carly Rae Jepsen has one thing in common with Carla Bruni...and that is the first three letters of their names. Whenever I feel like listening to Carly's ridiculously catchy Call Me Maybe, I type in Car in my iTunes and every single time, Carla Bruni's Quequ'un M'a Dit sits above her song and reminds me to opt and listen to her beautiful song instead. There's something about that song that despite not even understanding the lyrical content, I still get chills because I think the emotion is there and her voice is just so delicately angelic.

Hrm. . .

nothin =\

I'm a bit of an idiot.

Autumnal Chill

It may sound really odd....but once the weather stepped into its cooler form, it seems like everything is now instantly better. For lack of better words, I fucking love autumn. It is seriously the best season out because everything seems so mellow. The sun shines yet the air is crisp and cool, exactly how I love it. I don't ever want this season to end...can everyday just be like today (as in weather-like)? And you know what is even better? Listening to The National in this splendid weather. I AM IN FUCKING BLISS. 

Anyway, I bought a pair of Vans shoes today and the earphones I ordered online finally came in the mail. I never ever want to take them off. The music quality is so lush, the bass pulsating and everything just sounds better. I love how atmospheric the music is in my ears and I just want to live in the melodies forever. One of my best purchases ever....

And because everyone is doing it, here are just two photos that I took with hipstamatic. Haha, I don't know, I just can't seem to get into instagram. And facebook acquired instagram as well! Odd.

the pursuit of happiness.

how does one start living? i don't know...maybe because I am too afraid to take risks or to try anything new. i'm too accustomed in my own little bubble that doing something unfamiliar makes me feel nervous and afraid. like say for example, going on a holiday trip with friends...there are those moments where i feel uncomfortable and long to go home. i really have to shake these habits and learn to embrace every moment and perhaps, be braver. Yes...that's what I'm lacking, bravery. i am brave when seeking adventurous thrills...like climbing things etc that kinda physical adrenaline stuff...but when it refers to conquering my mind, i am not brave enough. you know what...it feels like i have unlocked what i am lacking just through this stream of consciousness. the brain knows better than you. 

life isn't worth thinking what could have been or lingering in thoughts that you know you cannot control...that's where the stress stems from inducing strain on the body. i think it's time for me to reclaim my body back from my thoughts and nurture it with self respect and self love, because that's the only good thing i can think of what to do. 

this easter weekend off has been boring to say the least and terribly slow. i haven't been doing much at all.  but i have been making plans regarding my future...though they say you shouldn't really plan out too much cause what do you know, 'the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray'... but in the event that i don't ever get into medicine, i shall complete physiotherapy and seek a life off in the uk if there is nothing grounding me here. and to think about it i don't really think there will be...it sounds rather selfish. haha... my mother is really against this ... she doesn't really know what entrances me about the uk. i don't know myself but for some odd reason, it all felt familiar when i was there and simultaneously, i felt i was alive and living. ideally, i really want to go now. take me away uk.

Hi Midsems.

I have revamped my blog...well just a bit because I was getting really sick of the old colour scheme. So now it's just black and white whilst the highlighting of the text isn't girly anymore but instead of a really lovely lavender-ish colour.

Mid-sem break came early this year though I suppose it's now because the uni wants it to coincide with the Easter holiday. Since I get on and off at Lidcombe everyday, I see a lot of those promos and signs for the Easter show and when it opened yesterday, there were flocks of people that caught the train to the shows. Naturally, I got rather jealous because I really want to go this year for some unknown reason. Perhaps its because I just want to retreat elsewhere and well, do something spontaneous. But all in all, I think lately I've been okay. It helps to have great friends to talk to.

Overthinking is a terrible thing to do but I guess you have to learn how to stop thinking and just let whatever flows and happens, happen. That way you don't drain yourself emotionally. I'm not necessarily talking about negative experiences either but those positive ones that fuel your happiness, elating you into euphoria. So as of late, I'm working on block out excessive thoughts in my mind. I'll see how that eventuates.

Lights Out, Words Gone

Why did I only listen to this song now? Dammit. That's what I am most afraid of, missing out on good music if I don't keep listening. I swear these days I'm just always listening to music, no matter what. Easter break is approaching so soon. Bizarre. When did it even become Easter so soon? I only remember Christmas. I don't know what I will do during the break, perhaps just study my ass off since assessments follow the break and then it'd be the mentored clinical placement. Hooray! Ugh...lately my life just feels so tiring and somewhat boring. I want to do stuffs but I just don't seem to have the energy nor the time. Makes me miss the holidays I guess.

I started running yesterday. It was good to start getting back in shape and I noticed that I felt way more energetic to do work and stuff. Must have been the endorphins that were released so that pumped me up. But dang it, work was so tiring today. I am going to bail. BAIL.

Thoughts

So I was listening to Snow Patrol on the train and then I was brought back to 2006, as you always do with songs. Then I just thought about all the good times that happened in that time and how easily 6 years have elapsed. It's rather frightening if you give more thought to it because wow...who could've believed it was seriously 6 years ago. Nevertheless, as I thought more about I realised that perhaps I should concentrate on this year that is 2012 and make new memories for years to come by...

Anyway, I'll continue this later. In the library..and I have class.

Yo.

I feel like writing but then my writing skill is depleting by the moment hence a dot point summary shall suffice

• Pub crawl on Wednesday - I think the Cumbo pubcrawl has a reputation of being extremely rowdy and just fucked up crazy. The pub crawl was shit loads of fun I have to say though my physio crew didn't go to all the pubs but only two in the end. Anyhow, the Cross was filled with cumbo students in their lab coats that night. We blocked the traffic and confused tourists driving past... I wonder what they thought though their faces looked bemused at what was happening. After all, this was the cross and you expect to see weird shit. The night started off crazy where we walked the streets to the 2nd pub of the night although that was full as hell so we jetted off to a pub across the road, which also took us 10 minutes to get into. My friends and I were keen to get off our faces so well.. we bought 7 jagers and 7 vodka shots altogether...downing them one each. Fuck, that shit costed us $119 immediately...and I knew I didn't bring enough. Since we were keen to try the teapot shots, we went to World Bar...and stayed there the whole night. All the shots were getting to our heads by the time we got there and we ordered more and more teapots, each filled with a crapload of shots. And by the end of the night, I think we were all pretty damn wasted. I can remember what happened but my motor control was whacked as hell. Fun night anyway...pub crawls are such fun. CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE OR WHATEVER. I sound like an alcoholic. But damn, I haven't felt so high since well...my 18th? Yeah. My 18th. I was goneskies. 
• Er. Well, I did feel rather down for a bit at the beginning of the week. But once you chuck all that shiet out of your system, your emotions don't really go much into overdrive. Chyeah, crying. Helps. In. a. way. It's the body's way of toilet flushing. 
• I have nothing left to say. Bailing. 

cause i'll tell you everything about living free

This is one of my favourite scenes in 500 Days of Summer. It's action taken. Initiative. And commitment to take control of one's life and do something about it. These few days haven't been the best to be honest but I'm taking action. Nothing's gonna bring me down. I'm going to make it for myself.

Re-evaluating everything that I value. Rewriting my life.

Something Goes Right

This is fucking addictive. I can't stop listening to this effing amazing shiet.

THE EDGE.

The last time I posted whilst listening to The Edge of Glory was the night before my 18th. I was feeling reflective and thinking how much I have grown. Well, from that day onwards, I have perhaps grown a bit more but still remain as naive as ever. Will I ever reach wisdom? Only time will tell. And perhaps only experience will foster the development of wisdom.

Things have been weird lately to the point of realising that I am indeed one damn naive immature retard, believing in things that aren't necessarily there. Yeah, perhaps some people only talk to me because they're bored. You know, being a girl means that you're perhaps more susceptible to attention paid to you because well, you're just new to it all and think OH THIS IS EXCITING! But cheh, upon reflection and well, some people's input...I have realised that I have yet again been so bloody naive. I just want to slap my face and hang my head in disappointment. But you know what, NO ONE GETS OUT OF LIFE ALIVE, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST TAKE THE PISS OUT YOUR EMBARRASSING HAPPENINGS. And so, instead of feeling grossly embarrassed and you know, generally shamed...I just think, oh well fuck that. Whatever, it's pretty funny anyway, get over it. 

Yeah.

I think that's my way of being resilient. It's a bit on the retard side of resilience. But it works. 

Goosebumps.

There are no words I can use to describe how amazing Bon Iver's concert at the Sydney Opera House was. It was truly an experience I will remember for years to come. I have never been to a concert where the music just simply moved me to tears but there I was sitting there at the Sydney Opera House, smiling like an idiot and having wet tears in my eyes. Bon Iver played most of my favourites and I am pretty sure they played all of their second album, which was most wonderful. The concert was very pleasant where everyone got to sit down and at the most intimate parts where Justin sang Re: Stacks, not one sound was heard. We could only hear the noise of the aircon working on overdrive and Justin, strumming the guitar so beautifully and melodically. 

I have been to many concerts now and I have enjoyed most of them with the odd exception or so (MGMT). And the standard of the artists I see are always so high, like Muse for example, they put on a kickass show that just simply blew my mind. Then I saw Bloc Party and Interpol, two bands whom got me into loving music. But of all these bands, I have to say that nothing can really compare to the incredible epic nature of what Bon Iver was. It was just music, loud, explosive immense sounding music that just carried itself into the air...into whatever. I couldn't have been disappointed if I wanted to. And I love them even more for deciding to have the show at the Opera House. It was the perfect place for Bon Iver to sing us lullabies that put us into a musical heaven. What was most special about the show was the standing ovations that occurred twice, one after the main set, the other after the encore. All the shows I've been to were standing ones, so you can say that the end of a show didn't mean too much. But I love how the crowd showed their love to the band by giving them a massive round of applause whilst they just looked on, feeling so humbled by this outpour of love. 

I can confidently say that I bet everyone enjoyed last night's show. 

I have now seen Bon Iver, jealous? Please be. 

There's nothing to fight for, it's already dead.

and this is the world coming down on your head...

Ah, good old Yellowcard. I remember listening to them in 2006, a mere 6 years ago which is rather surprising. I'm listening to music from that period in time...back when my favourites were as follows: Evermore, The Fray, Pete Murray, James Blunt, Ben Lee...I have a hazy recollection as to what the rest of my favourites were. Oh! Coldplay circa X&Y era. I blogged a lot as well during that time period but unfortunately, MSN spaces have closed down and those memories I jotted down have all dissipated into nothing. But it seems to me the most vivid memory of that time frame was the Easter Show. I went with Debbie and that year, a few girls whom I've not before went on the same day. We all quickly became friends and many memories were made. Though of what remains hazy today, which I think is a pity.

After that year, I started to think of the Easter show as a massive waste of money. Truthfully, it is because every year, there is the same things going on and the showbags are also pointless as hell. But in retrospect, I realise that I had some of the best times of my life there, just hanging around with friends and feeling as free as a bird on those rides and all. I want to go again this year but I'm not sure if it will be the same. New memories? Definitely...but I miss that feeling of being in year 8. 2006 was definitely one of the best years of my meagre life.

Grow up!

As I was updating twitter regarding what I loathed about being an adult with responsibilities and everything, I realised something fundamentally wrong with me... My maturity has not caught up with my age. You know, once you start interacting with society on a daily basis as a responsible adult, you realise that this is life and that it is only going to get shittier with the occasional ups where perhaps can distract one from their mundane and boring life. That is unfortunate. 

Part time work may have taken its toll on me for all the cliches concerning the workplace are ringing true. Your bosses will almost certainly NEVER see you do good shit but instead catch you when you slip up on occasion. Yeah, I'm whining and being bloody immature about work but its kinda sad once you realise that this is reality and that all that we've been working towards since our childhoods, learning, understanding and realising.....how the world works will eventually culminate to this. 

From where my life path is leading me to right now, I will perhaps work in a health environment and working with people. You may say that it might be different but I assume the politics will be the same. It's work after all and well you know what, so far I am disappointed that these cliches ring true. I guess that's why as adults we need meaningful relationships, whether them being familial, friends or romantic, we actually need them. Because if you have no support and life eventually becomes all work no play, how mundane would life really be. It would simply be all in the colour grey without any splashes of colour. Bloody boring. 

And yes, I know I need to get a grip on life. 

Uni is starting soon. Oh, another mindless drivel to delve my head into. 

LIFE. LIFE. OH life. Charming. 

I need you so much closer.

I saw Death Cab for Cutie at the Enmore after work on Saturday. I had the worst sleep on Friday night and so the prospect of seeing them in concert was mixed with bouts of hesitation and occasional excitement, for I was just absolutely tired. Nevertheless, I met with YY after work in the city where she gave me the Liberty watch I told her to help buy for me. It is flawless. I freaking love that watch...even my mum approves which is a good thing. Ha! We walked around the city for a bit, being both tired and aimless we eventually decided to eat Thai in Pitt St Mall followed by a beer at the Arthouse. I forgot how much I missed good tasting beer. The cheap ones you buy from the supermarkets are refreshing but nothing beats a Squire Pale Ale....mm, craving another one. Haha, I'm not an alcoholic, I promise.

So off I went to Newtown to see Death Cab in concert. The thing about Death Cab is that they are totally all about the music and nothing else, no antics, no supplementary shiz to jazz it up. The highlights of the night were definitely hearing Soul meets Body, Tiny Vessels, Marching Bands of Manhattan and who can ever forget, Transatlanticism? Unlike all the other concerts I go to where I will endure to capture my favourite songs on video, I decided not to record everything simply because I felt that I just wanted to feel and appreciate the music as it was and forget about the recording devices for once. Listening to Transatlanticism in the venue will always be something to remember. There's something so special about that song, how it makes everyone hush and gush. Perhaps it's the beautiful lyrics, painting images of serenity or it may be the slow build up to an incredible sonic experience.