Life is unreal.

I went to Hurstville today, after not going there for ages. It's not the school holidays anymore, all the kids are back at school. It's so strange watching them, thinking they are all so old and stuff - that they are simply really mature. Looking back to when I was in year 12, I was honestly still rather timid. Those who didn't know me from school probably thought I was weird, something which I do acknowledge. To be honest, being weird and random is somewhat a defence mechanism for me, just something to hide behind because I am terribly shy. Do you know I'm shy? Well, there you have it, I am actually really shy to the point that I become someone I am not just to but on a facade that makes me seem stronger than usual. But dear blog reader, I'm feeling so honest tonight because I feel like I have nothing left, nothing to lose and so that's why I am writing this shit that no-one will really care about.

If I could choose again, I would choose everything differently and follow my heart. My outlook on life was always just to live it as full as possible because I had nothing holding me back. But then came senior years where the aspirations of others got to me and I was lured into the health field, having utmost desires to become a doctor. Till this very day, I still want it a lot but then I wonder if I had never thought of it this way, will I be doing physiotherapy now? Because in all honesty, I had never thought of medicine and the health field until I became inspired by someone I knew and therefore, started respecting them and what they did for which I thought they were truly inspirational. So if I could choose, I would tell younger me to stop being so persuaded by other's dreams and desires but to only follow what I truly believe in. 

High school days pass by so quickly. It's sometimes hard to realise that because you can only think of when it is all going to end. And it does. Nowadays I look back to high school with a certain sense of resistance and yet an overwhelming sense of bittersweet-ness. Is that even a word? I'm not sure. It's just that I realise how much St George had shaped me to be the person I am today...and I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I sometimes wonder if I chose another path...what if? What? What? Maybe I'd be different, a little happier really and perhaps well, maybe different. But choices define you. I wonder how big of a difference a choice I made in year 10 or 12 has impacted on me till this very day. It scares me to think how different my life could have been if I had done something a different way, perhaps even been less shy around people, especially boys. I don't know. 

Sometimes you just want to desperately be someone else because you are so sick of your own shoes. But then you must realise everyone has their own problems weighing them down. But I truly wonder why I am not like other girls, partying, loving life, being in their happy relationships, feeling pretty, looking girly, loving clubbing, buying short dresses, being skinny.... Honestly, sometimes I wish I was like that because at least it'd make me like other people and perhaps have different consequences happen because of that. 

I feel foolish to have crushed so hard on someone as of late. Clearly I still have so much to learn, that despite at one stage of my life when I felt invincible, as if I was incredibly mature....that in the end, I still have so many life lessons to learn. Life is only beginning, I wonder how many bad choices I have yet to make and how many times I will break my heart because I've crushed so hard - again and again. The first intense crush happened this year, it was crazy and made me go on highs and lows. But to be honest, I think this is all my fault...for I have been a believer that something good may happen and trusted that maybe this will be the first time that something real will happen. So it all lived in my head that instead of keeping my feet on the ground, my head was in the clouds. 

Oh Katie. Hopeless.