Shake It Out

Lately I've been having so much down time by myself. Despite having friends that want to meet up, I choose not to because I just like to spend time dwelling in my thoughts...which of course, is not a good thing. But I've got to spend quality time with my family especially my parents and just see that my life isn't really unworthy, that despite so many failures that have seemingly inundated my present life....at least I still have life to live for. 

After receiving my end of sem results, I have started to doubt myself. I'm doubting whether or not physiotherapy is the right course for me, yet again and the incredible want to do medicine started to cloud my mind again. Sometimes, I wish I did medicine so that I would be on track to do what I want to do...I am interested in the brain and hence I want to be a psychiatrist. There's so much to learn about mental illnesses and the excessive stigma associated with having any such disease is just terribly unfortunate. Nevertheless, what I really want to articulate here is that my atrocious UMAT results really bothered me. Despite thinking that I was over it and that I could accept it and move on, I did not know that my disappointment was deeply embedded within my subconscious, that I could not move on so easily and that I was still stuck in a rut. These feelings resurfaced as soon as my results were released. At first, I was ecstatic that my anatomy results were much better than those I had in semester 1 and thereby, relief was all I felt. But then as it sunk in, I started to worry about my GPA and then I realised I still had my mind on medicine. Somehow, I am still treating my course as a leaping pad for a career in medicine. I still want it so much. 

So I broke down in my mind and started to lose it. I couldn't think and I just couldn't see anyway out. It was terrible. But upon reevaluation, I could see my flaw. I have spent too much time being overly confident about something I had no control over and that hurt. The UMAT remains as my biggest obstacle right now. I have also spent time wishing that some miracle can happen that perhaps my mind will become something better than what it is right now. And that's another flaw: Wishing or praying. To be practical, all that wishing + praying ever does is just to calm your mind and feel a false sense of security, as if there were really angels in the magnificent sky above answering your wishes and granting everything to you. There isn't and I am afraid that if no action occurs, nothing will eventuate. That's life, so don't expect money to rain all over when you wish upon a shooting star. 

In the end, life is what you make of it. If you don't try hard, you won't get results. They say UMAT is a test you cannot study for. But I'm the type of person who knows that by not studying, I cannot get anything out of it. So I will. And I will become a doctor in the end no matter how hard it is going to be. It may be a long road ahead, a road full of unknowns but someone of incredible wisdom in history once said, 'When there's a will, there's a way'. 2012 will see a different person in me, I will endure to live in the present and look to the future. The past is always a great source of comfort but there is no use dwelling upon it. Life is what we make of it. It's the best wisdom I can ever say to anyone and I will grasp it all. I will be your doctor. That's my promise.