Life

From being wholeheartedly inspired to take on this year at the end of last year with my studies and all...I suppose what life threw at me resulted in me being somewhat distracted and less concentrated with my career. I just wanted to get by, realising that there is more to life than simply a career that perhaps everything else is just waiting to happen.

But then I realise...that the desire to find the ultimate dream career still hasn't gone. Surely, physiotherapy is simply not my forte but 2 years into it, I think I will have to just simply complete it because it would be a waste of time if I didn't. They say that if you want something ever so badly, you will ultimately find a way into it. Clinical placement made me realise that what I am doing is totally worthwhile because seeing patients recovering and gain increased ranges in their motion was inspiring. However, was that really what I was interested in? Looking back, the whole year of 2010 was just me focused on achieving a high UMAT score and therefore, be able to enter medicine... However, I knew intrinsically within that it wouldn't be easy for me because...my brain just doesn't work the UMAT way. Haha, there's no use in blaming but I just had no talent for that stuff. Nevertheless, I hope to see some light in what I want to do in the future, whether it will still be in the medical profession or not, we'll just have to see what the next obstacle life throws at me.

I think that these days, I am more than capable with handling sticky situations. Sure they aren't always ideal but at least I have had some experience now. I should be fine. Oh I do hope so.

And I really want a tattoo along my spine.

October.

These days I'm learning to grow up. Mum has been overseas with my brother for nearly a month now (due to family issues) and honestly, it's just so empty without her. Sometimes I don't know where to go and in fact I feel like a lost little girl. I suppose what I'm yearning is just for my mum to come home because I miss her so much...

It scares me to face the fact that everyone around me are also growing up. Love, sex, relationships, jobs, uni, careers...stretching out to newer horizons...seems like these issues are all that I hear about as late. Your late teens and early twenties are when you're most volatile to changes and everyone is ditching the naive persona that once enclaved them emancipating to real young adults. As I caught up with some friends, I had realised that I was probably the only few left with an idealised perception of relationships these days. Some are moving too fast with their significant others, other people seem to have been dating on and off regularly. And here, after experiencing something that really threw me off course last month, I still haven't really understood how people truly treat relationships with others and how complex it truly is.

The house is so empty right now. It's only me who's here...my sister still hasn't come home from work yet either. And Transatlanticism is playing in the background as thoughts just flow through my head translating to typed out words from my fingertips... I don't know how to be ever truly happy I suppose. I'm stuck between needing to grow up or staying in my idealised world where everything is simply skewed to my perceptions. Why do people grow up? Why do relationships have to encompass such a broad range of emotions? I don't understand what draws two people together. I feel like an outsider in this living world and all I really want to is be 5 years old again, oblivious to the world and be able to sink into my parent's arms after a full day of living and playing, as if nothing else ever mattered.

I feel so small.

Revival.

Sometimes things have to be done, that they are inevitable happenings. If you haven't done it, you simply would never see the light out. And so that was how I felt better. 

These days there are moments when I feel sad but they are very fleeting. They come by and I acknowledge its presence but I don't let the feeling dictate what I should next or anything. 

In the end, I have learnt that in life that it is good to sometimes just let the way things be. Controlling every aspect meticulously will not only be annoying but will sometimes have the results that you so do not desire. With this whole episode I have learnt so much and feel like I have done some personal growth...

I had also cut my hair to signal this change. Only because it was the next logical step. 

And below is a picture of me trying on a Lover dress....Always a Lover dress.

Fkn Lover. Lulz. 

Wake up, Love.

You shan't be too hard on yourself...just live it and absorb everything in.
You'll be okay.

Sometimes you wake up.
And you feel like death.

Summertime Sadness.

It's the 3rd week back at uni and yet I can't really register it because my mind is always elsewhere, like it has always been for the past year anyway. Oddly enough, education has dropped off my list of priorities. Yes, there are times when I'm just wishing that I could go the further extent of learning everything at uni but these days, living in a fantasy world just seems more ideal. 

I'm still making mistakes these days. I know the right answers as to what to do with a particular person but attachment, that's something I can't shake nor skirt around. It hurts because I know I'm just killing myself, making myself stuck in this never ending loop of self pitying. 

I nearly told him. Somewhat like a confession about every-fucking-thing that has been plaguing my mind and how I really don't know what else to do anymore. But I didn't because I was too afraid of the repercussions. Was it too early? When is the right time to tell someone anything about them...?

I'm tired.

Movies

I watched The Dark Knight Rises again at the cinemas for a 2nd time. The first occasion was on my actual birthday where I really couldn't think of anything better to do other than by watching TDKR and seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt on the screens.

The movie simply blew me away and is easily one of the best movies I have seen all year, taking into consideration that I do believe I have seen quite many to count. This year is truly a year of comic book films, hailing with the ever so popular The Avengers that kicked started it all.. Then it was The Amazing Spiderman which in my opinion was absolutely subpar, there was absolutely no magic in the film except it being a teen romance flick that included elements of superheroes within it. And the Avengers, despite really liking it at the time I watched it, upon reevalation, it was good for it being so lighthearted but ... in comparison to TDKR, it was just lacking.

So because I was simply so taken aback by Christopher Nolan's epic conclusion to the Batman trilogy, I saw it again by myself. Yes, by myself...in the cinemas. Perhaps I should really stop doing things myself because in all honesty, it just simply suggests elements of being forever alone. But fuck it, it was Batman and upon viewing it the second time, I think I am seriously becoming more and more obsessed with this epic piece of work. I am just so drawn to this world of film making and seriously wish I could spend my life watching films forever. Chris Nolan's statement upon the Colorado shootings talking about how the theatre is a sacred place, where dreams are projected upon the screen seemed rather outlandish at first...but now in the state that I am where I am just so amazed by all the movies I have seen, I finally get it. The world of movies is just so fascinating...whether it being watching the deterioration of someone's relationship in (500) Days of Summer to the fantastical dream world of Inception or reaching out to the craziness that is Blade Runner...I just fucking love movies.

Movies serve as a solace to some place else... In a world where things don't seem to working out in my life, I live everything through the films I watch nowadays. Perhaps that is a form of therapy in the form of escapism from mundane real life.

And then I also am listening to the OST. All these feels. FUCK! I love movies.

Also, a fuck you to those people who only really talk to me because they are bored and fucking requesting for something. What I feel is that I have perhaps most likely been led on to no end because I am a girl who simply feels too much about everything and can easily misinterpret subtle signs of flirting as real interest. Stop being so fucking naive and get a move on with life. Yeah.

This city's here for you.

I have not heard anything so moving and touching in such a long time. This song is reminiscent of something I have heard before...but cannot really verbalise what. But all I know is that I adore this song and I can't stop listening to it.

Bloc Party are back! And I am squealing like I massive fan girl...

And hey, it's August already. How did this happen?
No idea.